Papasangel,
It is so good to hear from you. I think about you alot. I always check your blog to see if you have written something knew. Yes, you are C. I failed to mention something in my last post though. I was even talking to Royce about this. Out of all the people that I listed (7 of them - I know, what's wrong with me?), ours was the relationship that had the greatest damage to it. That had the greatest wound. "Unrepairable" in most cases. And you are the only one that I have found a renewed and rekindled friendship with. And not a fakey one, a real "like it used to be" relationship. It seems like after everything that happened, and there was alot, we are back to being us. ( It took 13 years, but who's counting?) When I think about that, considering everything, it amazes me. That like never happens. Especially considering the nature of the wound. Most of the time damage like that is never fixed. I am so glad that we found our way back. Maybe there is hope for all the other ones in my life. Maybe if I just sit back, forgive, ask to be forgiven, and let time do its thing - just maybe some of the other relationships will heal. Honestly in my mind I don't think that will happen, because I think you and I are very unique, very honest, very spiritual people with a connection deeper than the hurt, that were brought back together by an event, and realized how much we missed each other and still love each other. I'm so sorry that the event had to be such a bad thing. I still can't believe your dad is gone. I was thinking about that the other day. I can still hear his voice. I think with us, all of our planets were aligned, so to speak. We have the right combination of history, regret, honesty, genuine friendship (that went back to Cradle Roll for goodness sake), enough time to heal, missing each other, and the event to bring it all together. I feel very lucky to have you back as a friend. I missed you alot.

What happened with us has taught me alot. Nikki just wrote a post to me. About letting go. I never realized how important it is, or how to do it, until I did it with you. I hated for so long. And was vile for so long. About a year if I remember right. And I thought I was justified in this. Then one day, I realized I didn't hate you anymore. The pain and anger were just gone. I realized how much energy I had been spending, for the last year - hating. It had eaten part of my soul. And it wouldn't let my soul do anything else. Hate is a funny thing. It is very selfish. Once it is nurtured, and lives inside you, it doesn't let anything else coexist there. All the good stuff is incompatible with it. And you THINK it feels good, because you are "right" and valid because the other person was wrong.

Last week I was informed that I had "won". That I had finally lashed out enough so as to shut my chosen victim down. I won. But I couldn't help asking myself, What did I win?

I'm learning that I don't have to lash back in order to "prove" that the other person is wrong. They can be wrong all on their own, without any involvement from me. And in the end, its not really about who is right or wrong, its how you handle it. Its ok to feel hurt, even to feel angry, those are normal emotions, especially if they are valid, and its even ok to remove people from your life, but its not ok to cause more pain. Even if you are just returning the favor. Causing pain is never ok.

In all of the relationships that I listed, there was somthing that was done to me that was wrong. That hurt me. And the person that did it is responsible for that action. However, I am responsible for the amount of damage done. I am responsible for what I let it do to my soul, and for how I reacted, and for causing more pain. I went down the list, and thought of each one individually. If I would have, could have, just said, ok I don't like what you did, you were wrong, I will not let you treat me like that, what you did I can not accept, I might not be able to have you in my life, and I am angry, but I am not going to hold on to it, I am going to embrace peace. If I could have done that, every time, time may have healed all.

I hope I entirely learn this lesson before it happens with any of my children. They are small. I think I have learned it in time.

Trailady and Nikki, I am taking your words to heart. Reading them over and over. Thank you so much for taking the time to write them for me.

On a different note, I am finding that the herbs I've been taking (Vitex) and the increased exercise are fixing what is wrong with me. The exercise is hard on my body, I think my body has started rebelling against it, but I can feel a big difference in my emotional and mental state. I feel much more balanced. Gotta keep it up.

I had a car accident about 6 years ago. Pretty bad accident, thank god I was the only one hurt. In the accident the ignition and key were smashed into my right knee. I never had it looked at. I have always had a jelly-like feel to that spot, and I can always tell when it is going to rain. My recent running is really starting to hurt my knee. I don't want to stop running. If anyone out there knows what I can do to help my knee, please tell me. I wrapped it at work tonight with an ace bandage. It seems to have helped. Do I put hot or cold on it? Or both? I really don't want to stop running. But the last time I ran, yesterday, every time my foot came down it hurt bad. Please, anyone, help me!!!!! Trailady you come to mind, you seem very physical and educated about this kind of stuff. Please, help. I love running. I need to run.