At a very different place in life right now. Seem like a thousand miles away. The storm has calmed. Things are leveling. There is even joy. But lots of ghosts, that I can't seem to outrun. Breathe. But I'm still here. I guess that speaks for itself. I usually just write for myself, but if anyone else is here let me know, Ok?
- Still The Fallen Angel -
Thursday, April 16, 2020
Sunday, January 06, 2019
Saturday, January 05, 2019
6 Billion Years Ago
Wow, I haven't been here in 6 years. Can't believe I can still find it and access it. Maybe I'll start writing again 😁.
Monday, September 03, 2012
Still LOST
I've been packing things up. There is alot to pack when you are packing up a house of 40 plus years. I'm finding that there is not much I want to leave. Even if we just put everything in storage. I got the dishes pretty much done. I've only left out what we need until we leave - 10 plates, 10 cups, 10 bowls, etc. The couches are gone, we are sleeping either on the mattress, box springs, air mattress, or chairs. I hate this, but it is necessary right now. I am going to keep packing slowly. After talking to Heather, I feel like we have more time here than we think.
Its starting to feel like not my house. It has always been my house. Its not anymore. Mom is not coming back, Dad is dead. Its funny, someone called for him the other day, and I wanted to say "he's 6 feet under, but I'll see if he wants to talk." How can he still be on telemarketers lists? Its been 6 years.
We need to get one huge storage unit and just combine the 2 we have, and put the rest of this stuff in it. I want everything to be organized this time, unlike every other time. So, I am packing. Maybe this is how my dealing with it. Apparently Peggy doesn't want anything. I told her we would be packing everything up and taking it to storage, and if she wanted anything to come get it or she could go to our storage unit. She declined, and said to save anything that I think she would want. Fuck her.
I want the house to be in great shape when we leave, as good as it can be. Clean, organized. Don't want anyone coming in and saying, " I can't believe she left it this way." And its my house. I don't want to disrespect it that way. But Bobby is going to definately have his share of repairs if he is the one who sells it. Whoever ends up with it has tons of repairs. The celing in the hallway is leaking from the airconditioner, water is constantly dripping on the ground, the entire hallway is sloshy. It looks like the ceiling is going to cave in. And lots of other things. Not my problem and not my fault.
So I'm piling everything up in the living room so it is easy to move when we are ready to. It looks very chaotic, but there is a method to my madness. We just need to get that new unit.
Rewatching LOST, probably as a release for the situation. We are religious Losties. Its good to see it again.
Focusing on feeding everyone, managing money, what little there is of it, getting the bancruptcy done which will make everything better for everyone, just trying to survive right now. I applied for AHCCCS, and they said I qualify for everything, so that will make it better for everyone if it happenes. I hate to do that, but what I want is not important. It will help everyone.
So, still lost.
But making some sense of it.
Its starting to feel like not my house. It has always been my house. Its not anymore. Mom is not coming back, Dad is dead. Its funny, someone called for him the other day, and I wanted to say "he's 6 feet under, but I'll see if he wants to talk." How can he still be on telemarketers lists? Its been 6 years.
We need to get one huge storage unit and just combine the 2 we have, and put the rest of this stuff in it. I want everything to be organized this time, unlike every other time. So, I am packing. Maybe this is how my dealing with it. Apparently Peggy doesn't want anything. I told her we would be packing everything up and taking it to storage, and if she wanted anything to come get it or she could go to our storage unit. She declined, and said to save anything that I think she would want. Fuck her.
I want the house to be in great shape when we leave, as good as it can be. Clean, organized. Don't want anyone coming in and saying, " I can't believe she left it this way." And its my house. I don't want to disrespect it that way. But Bobby is going to definately have his share of repairs if he is the one who sells it. Whoever ends up with it has tons of repairs. The celing in the hallway is leaking from the airconditioner, water is constantly dripping on the ground, the entire hallway is sloshy. It looks like the ceiling is going to cave in. And lots of other things. Not my problem and not my fault.
So I'm piling everything up in the living room so it is easy to move when we are ready to. It looks very chaotic, but there is a method to my madness. We just need to get that new unit.
Rewatching LOST, probably as a release for the situation. We are religious Losties. Its good to see it again.
Focusing on feeding everyone, managing money, what little there is of it, getting the bancruptcy done which will make everything better for everyone, just trying to survive right now. I applied for AHCCCS, and they said I qualify for everything, so that will make it better for everyone if it happenes. I hate to do that, but what I want is not important. It will help everyone.
So, still lost.
But making some sense of it.
Dreams -Sept.2
I'm not entirely sure I should write these here, but I'm going to. They are more for me than anyone else.
I had 4 dreams last night. Technically it was the morning of Sept. 3, but it was the "night" of Sept. 2, the anniversary of my dad's death. Not sure that had anything to do with them.
#1 - I was with my mom. But it was not Garnet. It was someone else. We were in a car, I was driving. She had been told by a friend about a pet cemetary that was really nice to go to. It was a very cute, sweet, pleasant feeling, and a pleasant looking place, very pretty and green. We found it and drove in, very happy. We drove around and looked at all the little puppy and kitty graves. The next thing I remember, there were two levels to it, like you could go up to another level and look down at the lower one. I was on the upper level. I looked for my mom, and was calling her. She had disappeared. Then the dream felt scary. End.
#2 - I and some other people, don't know who, were in a car. It was daytime, we were facing South, there was like a park on the left, maybe some apts behind us, and like a strip mall on the right. We were parked in a parking lot. There was a dive bar across in the strip mall, across from where we were parked. One of our girlfriends had gone in there and now was missing. Someone invited me into the bar. I declined and ignored them, being concerned about her. There was a feeling/a knowing that she had been hurt and we weren't going to find her. I went up to the door of the bar, and two doors down there was another room and the door was cracked open. I saw 3 men in there, one glanced at me. I wasn't supposed to look in there. Like just by getting a glimpse of them I had seen something I shouldn't have. I didn't go in either place. There is a vague memory, but I can't remember any details, almost just a feeling, of something violent happening to her, like getting dismembered. After I looked into that room, I got back in the car with the other people. There was a great urgency to leave. Like we were in danger. We knew something bad had happened to her, but we knew we needed to get out of there. So we left and got on a freeway, it looked like when you leave Tempe Marketplace. I think it was night now. I was driving and driving really fast. I kept asking if we were being followed. Everyone in the car was scared and panicky, and I kept driving away very fast. End.
#3 - Royce and I were at home, my mom's house. We were talking, and he mentioned there had been a little incident with him and my mom. He didn't say what happened, and I didn't ask, it was like something negative, but not a big deal. My mom came home from where ever she had been. She was mad and yelling. We were in the living room, Royce was not there. She was yelling, very mad. She said she had written the word "shit" all over this one chair. It was a brown leather recliner. And she kept saying "I wrote the word shit all over it." She also pointed to the wall, like she had written it there too, but the wall was clean. It was like she was angry at everyone, but angry at herself for doing it, and she was like admitting it but very angry it happened. She told us not to worry, that she had taken care of it and cleaned it off. I had no idea up til that point that anything had even happened. Royce said "Yeah, I told you about that, she wrote that on the chair." In the incident, she had yelled at him about something, it was unprovoked, he hadn't done anything wrong. And even though she yelled at him, he didn't yell back or retaliate in any way. He was very nonchalant about the whole thing, I was a little surprised that she had done it, that she had even said or written down that word. End.
#4 - Now this was the longest and worst of the dreams. There was some kind of interaction between me and maybe some of my kids with a dad and his son, who was like maybe 12. Reminded me of Michael and Walt on LOST. It was a short, casual conversation/interaction with them. We had a very large house, kind of like Misty's house. It was huge and beautiful and expensive. I was there with Sydney, maybe Lyndsey, and one of their friends, probably Danielle. It had a happy, homey feeling to it. The little kids weren't there, neither was Tyler or Chantel. It was two stories. The house was very vivid in the dream. On the news on TV we saw the boy and his dad. The boy had done something, I can't remember, something very bad and destructive that obviously made the news. We were all very shocked. It was like he started a fire at his house. Over the course of some time, the news kept talking about him, and whatever situation it was kept getting worse. They kept referring to their house on the news, like whatever the kid did, start the fire or whatever, that he had done it maliciously, and that it kept getting worse, they kept showing some picture of his house area, and the affected area kept getting bigger. The news story kept getting worse. We were all shocked. But kept going about our business in the house. There was a knock on the door. I answered it, and it was the dad and his son. The dad seemed angry at me/us but didn't really say anything bad. He said he wanted to talk to me, I said ok, he said "how about we talk in there" and pointed to a little bar across the street, not a good bar. And he said it kind of like, "let's take this outside" - that kind of attitude. I got scared and defensive, and said no and that I didn't want to talk to him at all now, and I shut the door. I was a little disturbed and scared. It was like he was blaming me for what his son had done because of when we had talked to them earlier. His son never said a word when they came to the door. I was in the kitchen. My mom came home and started putting stuff on the counter, an island, like she had just come from the grocery store. She was mad and complaining, that now because of what had happened with the boy, that there was something we couldn't do/or buy now. She was irritated and disgusted that we couldn't do this now, wouldn't look at me, just kept putting groceries away, but was blaming me for what had happened, like I had caused to happen what the boy did. She wasn't upset about the damage done, what ever it was, fire, people hurt, or the damage the news people were concerned about - she was just upset about us not being able to do whatever it was we couldn't do now. I was standing in the kitchen with her. I didn't say anything. End.
For some reason the 4th dream seemed the worst, and the longest. I didn't feel like I slept at all last night, was very tired when I woke up, but remember thinking to myself that I was just going to get up to get away from the dreams.
I had 4 dreams last night. Technically it was the morning of Sept. 3, but it was the "night" of Sept. 2, the anniversary of my dad's death. Not sure that had anything to do with them.
#1 - I was with my mom. But it was not Garnet. It was someone else. We were in a car, I was driving. She had been told by a friend about a pet cemetary that was really nice to go to. It was a very cute, sweet, pleasant feeling, and a pleasant looking place, very pretty and green. We found it and drove in, very happy. We drove around and looked at all the little puppy and kitty graves. The next thing I remember, there were two levels to it, like you could go up to another level and look down at the lower one. I was on the upper level. I looked for my mom, and was calling her. She had disappeared. Then the dream felt scary. End.
#2 - I and some other people, don't know who, were in a car. It was daytime, we were facing South, there was like a park on the left, maybe some apts behind us, and like a strip mall on the right. We were parked in a parking lot. There was a dive bar across in the strip mall, across from where we were parked. One of our girlfriends had gone in there and now was missing. Someone invited me into the bar. I declined and ignored them, being concerned about her. There was a feeling/a knowing that she had been hurt and we weren't going to find her. I went up to the door of the bar, and two doors down there was another room and the door was cracked open. I saw 3 men in there, one glanced at me. I wasn't supposed to look in there. Like just by getting a glimpse of them I had seen something I shouldn't have. I didn't go in either place. There is a vague memory, but I can't remember any details, almost just a feeling, of something violent happening to her, like getting dismembered. After I looked into that room, I got back in the car with the other people. There was a great urgency to leave. Like we were in danger. We knew something bad had happened to her, but we knew we needed to get out of there. So we left and got on a freeway, it looked like when you leave Tempe Marketplace. I think it was night now. I was driving and driving really fast. I kept asking if we were being followed. Everyone in the car was scared and panicky, and I kept driving away very fast. End.
#3 - Royce and I were at home, my mom's house. We were talking, and he mentioned there had been a little incident with him and my mom. He didn't say what happened, and I didn't ask, it was like something negative, but not a big deal. My mom came home from where ever she had been. She was mad and yelling. We were in the living room, Royce was not there. She was yelling, very mad. She said she had written the word "shit" all over this one chair. It was a brown leather recliner. And she kept saying "I wrote the word shit all over it." She also pointed to the wall, like she had written it there too, but the wall was clean. It was like she was angry at everyone, but angry at herself for doing it, and she was like admitting it but very angry it happened. She told us not to worry, that she had taken care of it and cleaned it off. I had no idea up til that point that anything had even happened. Royce said "Yeah, I told you about that, she wrote that on the chair." In the incident, she had yelled at him about something, it was unprovoked, he hadn't done anything wrong. And even though she yelled at him, he didn't yell back or retaliate in any way. He was very nonchalant about the whole thing, I was a little surprised that she had done it, that she had even said or written down that word. End.
#4 - Now this was the longest and worst of the dreams. There was some kind of interaction between me and maybe some of my kids with a dad and his son, who was like maybe 12. Reminded me of Michael and Walt on LOST. It was a short, casual conversation/interaction with them. We had a very large house, kind of like Misty's house. It was huge and beautiful and expensive. I was there with Sydney, maybe Lyndsey, and one of their friends, probably Danielle. It had a happy, homey feeling to it. The little kids weren't there, neither was Tyler or Chantel. It was two stories. The house was very vivid in the dream. On the news on TV we saw the boy and his dad. The boy had done something, I can't remember, something very bad and destructive that obviously made the news. We were all very shocked. It was like he started a fire at his house. Over the course of some time, the news kept talking about him, and whatever situation it was kept getting worse. They kept referring to their house on the news, like whatever the kid did, start the fire or whatever, that he had done it maliciously, and that it kept getting worse, they kept showing some picture of his house area, and the affected area kept getting bigger. The news story kept getting worse. We were all shocked. But kept going about our business in the house. There was a knock on the door. I answered it, and it was the dad and his son. The dad seemed angry at me/us but didn't really say anything bad. He said he wanted to talk to me, I said ok, he said "how about we talk in there" and pointed to a little bar across the street, not a good bar. And he said it kind of like, "let's take this outside" - that kind of attitude. I got scared and defensive, and said no and that I didn't want to talk to him at all now, and I shut the door. I was a little disturbed and scared. It was like he was blaming me for what his son had done because of when we had talked to them earlier. His son never said a word when they came to the door. I was in the kitchen. My mom came home and started putting stuff on the counter, an island, like she had just come from the grocery store. She was mad and complaining, that now because of what had happened with the boy, that there was something we couldn't do/or buy now. She was irritated and disgusted that we couldn't do this now, wouldn't look at me, just kept putting groceries away, but was blaming me for what had happened, like I had caused to happen what the boy did. She wasn't upset about the damage done, what ever it was, fire, people hurt, or the damage the news people were concerned about - she was just upset about us not being able to do whatever it was we couldn't do now. I was standing in the kitchen with her. I didn't say anything. End.
For some reason the 4th dream seemed the worst, and the longest. I didn't feel like I slept at all last night, was very tired when I woke up, but remember thinking to myself that I was just going to get up to get away from the dreams.
Monday, August 13, 2012
Here Comes the Sun .....I Hope
Feeling better for some reason today. Not sure why. Talked to Sarah some yesterday. Maybe that had something to do with it. Very sad that she is moving to Texas, but very happy for her that she is happy.
Actually got out of bed this morning, not feeling completely overwhelmed and sad. And they still haven't come to visit. I keep waiting for them. Maybe this episode is waning. It was definately stress induced, and the stress is still very real. But the up and down, and mixed, may be slowing down. I am sleeping without any help for the last few nights. I'm starting to recognize signs and patterns. That alone is helpful.
Going to houseclean and pack up some things to go to storage. When we have to go, I want to have to move as little as possible. I think one of the biggest stressors right now is the not knowing. Not knowing when my brother ( who is Power of Attorney and controls everything now ) is going to make us leave and how he will do it. I keep expecting a police officer to show up on the door step and say we have to go - now. That is my worst fear. So we need to get everything out or ready. I know my brother will not give us a heads up and will make it as horrible and difficult and painful as possible. He had the electricity shut off when it was 113 degrees. With no warning. I guess I should call him her child. Not my brother. Cause he isn't and never was. Even if we had to get up and go and go to Royce's mom's house, as horrible as that would be, at least there would be some peace of mind about not being kicked out.
The last time I saw my mom, a few days ago, she told me, through tears, that if she could pick any of her kids (Bobby, Peggy, and me) that she would pick me and that she considered me her first born. I know she is confused, but I needed to hear that. She told me that "Bobby just isn't a nice person anymore." And that she "doesn't trust anthing Peggy says anymore." I asked why. She said, "Cause I don't like her attitude." She said she wanted a new Power of Attorney. But its too late. She can't make her decisions anymore. He and Peggy don't even want to tell me which group home she will be going to permanently and don't want me to ever see her. This also is my biggest fear. That I won't know where she is. She cried and cried, and so did I. She took my hand and grasped it, crying, telling me that I will never know how much she loves me and made me promise that I loved Jesus and that I will live to see my children grown and make sure they are ok. I promised her everything she needed to hear.
The nurses told me today that when I'm not there she yells and calls my name over and over. Never Peggy's. And when Peggy is there, Peggy asks my mom if my mom knows who she is, and Mom says "Barb."
BAZINGA - I'm the favorite now.
I fought with her. She fought with me. We hated and loved each other deeply, at the same time. She wanted to change me. I wanted to be accepted. Neither happened. I never grew up, she never stopped playing Mommy. She carried me for so long. And I let her. Many words were spoken that shouldn't have been. Many, many regrets later. And now I know the regret is on both sides. But we have made peace with each other. I have forgiven her and she has forgiven me. That is one thing that is very clear.
Peggy hadn't seen my mom for a year, up until this happened. And Bobby saw her 6 years ago when my dad was dying, and before that a few times in 30 years, after he left the house at 14 to go to Academy.
I've never cut the unbilical cord. Yes they exist even in adoption :) I never made or let myself be independent of her, and lived with her this last year. And before that, right behind her for 10 years, or just down the street. Never away for more than a few days, after an argument.
I know I fought with her. And if I could go back I would. But I was also the one who was here with her when she had cancer, when she broke her knee cap, and every time she fell. And each time, the arguments and issues ceased, and we went into a different mode. And I know that after my dad died, that she stayed alive for my kids. They were her only will to live. She saw them everyday. Ryan slept by her every night. These last few years, she saw me go in and out of the hospital. Never asking or inquiring, which I took as noninterest. But took care of me when I got home and my kids while I was gone. She knew I was sick, and knew it was bad. She was trying to take care of me these last few years because of it. Bobby and Peggy think all I did was take advantage of her. Thats why they hate me and want to keep me away from her now. But they can never know what was going on, or the dynamics. I wasn't always right, and often wrong. But I needed her, and she knew it.
And I'm the fave now.
:)
Maybe I always was.
Actually got out of bed this morning, not feeling completely overwhelmed and sad. And they still haven't come to visit. I keep waiting for them. Maybe this episode is waning. It was definately stress induced, and the stress is still very real. But the up and down, and mixed, may be slowing down. I am sleeping without any help for the last few nights. I'm starting to recognize signs and patterns. That alone is helpful.
Going to houseclean and pack up some things to go to storage. When we have to go, I want to have to move as little as possible. I think one of the biggest stressors right now is the not knowing. Not knowing when my brother ( who is Power of Attorney and controls everything now ) is going to make us leave and how he will do it. I keep expecting a police officer to show up on the door step and say we have to go - now. That is my worst fear. So we need to get everything out or ready. I know my brother will not give us a heads up and will make it as horrible and difficult and painful as possible. He had the electricity shut off when it was 113 degrees. With no warning. I guess I should call him her child. Not my brother. Cause he isn't and never was. Even if we had to get up and go and go to Royce's mom's house, as horrible as that would be, at least there would be some peace of mind about not being kicked out.
The last time I saw my mom, a few days ago, she told me, through tears, that if she could pick any of her kids (Bobby, Peggy, and me) that she would pick me and that she considered me her first born. I know she is confused, but I needed to hear that. She told me that "Bobby just isn't a nice person anymore." And that she "doesn't trust anthing Peggy says anymore." I asked why. She said, "Cause I don't like her attitude." She said she wanted a new Power of Attorney. But its too late. She can't make her decisions anymore. He and Peggy don't even want to tell me which group home she will be going to permanently and don't want me to ever see her. This also is my biggest fear. That I won't know where she is. She cried and cried, and so did I. She took my hand and grasped it, crying, telling me that I will never know how much she loves me and made me promise that I loved Jesus and that I will live to see my children grown and make sure they are ok. I promised her everything she needed to hear.
The nurses told me today that when I'm not there she yells and calls my name over and over. Never Peggy's. And when Peggy is there, Peggy asks my mom if my mom knows who she is, and Mom says "Barb."
BAZINGA - I'm the favorite now.
I fought with her. She fought with me. We hated and loved each other deeply, at the same time. She wanted to change me. I wanted to be accepted. Neither happened. I never grew up, she never stopped playing Mommy. She carried me for so long. And I let her. Many words were spoken that shouldn't have been. Many, many regrets later. And now I know the regret is on both sides. But we have made peace with each other. I have forgiven her and she has forgiven me. That is one thing that is very clear.
Peggy hadn't seen my mom for a year, up until this happened. And Bobby saw her 6 years ago when my dad was dying, and before that a few times in 30 years, after he left the house at 14 to go to Academy.
I've never cut the unbilical cord. Yes they exist even in adoption :) I never made or let myself be independent of her, and lived with her this last year. And before that, right behind her for 10 years, or just down the street. Never away for more than a few days, after an argument.
I know I fought with her. And if I could go back I would. But I was also the one who was here with her when she had cancer, when she broke her knee cap, and every time she fell. And each time, the arguments and issues ceased, and we went into a different mode. And I know that after my dad died, that she stayed alive for my kids. They were her only will to live. She saw them everyday. Ryan slept by her every night. These last few years, she saw me go in and out of the hospital. Never asking or inquiring, which I took as noninterest. But took care of me when I got home and my kids while I was gone. She knew I was sick, and knew it was bad. She was trying to take care of me these last few years because of it. Bobby and Peggy think all I did was take advantage of her. Thats why they hate me and want to keep me away from her now. But they can never know what was going on, or the dynamics. I wasn't always right, and often wrong. But I needed her, and she knew it.
And I'm the fave now.
:)
Maybe I always was.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
The Law of Threes
I'm starting to wonder what kind of Karma is coming back to me, and what I did in a previous life to bring it to me. And things definately come in threes. My mom. The accident. And now the nursing thing. If and when I get above all of it I will be very impressed with myself. I keep telling myself things will get better. They have to. I know people have done worse things and come back, and have been through worse things and come back. That is logic. But logic is a stranger in my brain. Only peeking around the corner with medication.
I say the Karma thing mostly in jest. For one thing, technically, Karma only comes in your next life, not this soon. If you believe in Karma. But mostly, I know my situation cannot be blamed on something like karma. Its the results of bad decisions that caught up with me. And I'm finally starting to believe that those decisions happened because of being sick. I know they did. Especially after educating myself about it.
Learning about it is bittersweet. It helps to understand it, but it makes me realize how really sick I am. I don't want to think that is true. That its just a little setback. But realistically speaking I'm very sick. I have medication and education now, but now is when all the consequences are catching up to me. My finances, my security, my relationships, my home, my job. All of this. Gone. I have to let myself attribute these decisions on my illness.
So here in Crazyville I'm pretty miserable and drowning. We are determined to dig ourselves out of this. I am very very lucky that I have a husband who still loves me and is here. And that I still have my kids. We are still a family together. I haven't destroyed that. They love me, despite everything, and I am very lucky.
Whether anyone is reading this or not, I don't think that is why I am writing. I just need to. Anyone who wants to talk, I need it right now. If you know how to find me on here, I know I must want to talk to you.
I'm sorry for the things I've done. But I am going to quit saying it everyday. I remember growing up, I was taught that if you didn't repent for your sins before you fell asleep, and didn't wake up - you would be unsaved and eternally damned. If you didn't repeatedly, everyday accept Christ you were unsaved. I remember this scaring the hell out of me. That thought of losing eternity. Of looking out the window and seeing any airplane in the sky at night, and physically feeling fear, thinking it was the Second Coming and I wasn't ready.
This is a very self-defeating mindset. And I have to quit doing it in this situation. I've told everyone, including myself, that I am very very sorry. I need to quit saying it. I meant it, very much. And now I need to go on. As someone recently said to me, stop having a pity party. I feel like if I don't say it, everyday, I'm showing no remorse. And I have so much. But if I am forgiven, by everyone else, and that is what they are telling me, and by myself, I don't need to keep saying it. I'm sorry. There. Thats it.
I am realizing the extent of the damages of this illness. I've lost everything. Accept my family. Everything else. I recently learned that Type 1 is not more severe than Type 2, contrary to popular belief. And that sometimes Type 2 is worse and you are sicker. It makes me feel better, and scares me at the same time.
I never want to use it as an excuse.
But I'm feeling very sick.
But I must find the strength to move on. I can and I will.
I have the power.
I say the Karma thing mostly in jest. For one thing, technically, Karma only comes in your next life, not this soon. If you believe in Karma. But mostly, I know my situation cannot be blamed on something like karma. Its the results of bad decisions that caught up with me. And I'm finally starting to believe that those decisions happened because of being sick. I know they did. Especially after educating myself about it.
Learning about it is bittersweet. It helps to understand it, but it makes me realize how really sick I am. I don't want to think that is true. That its just a little setback. But realistically speaking I'm very sick. I have medication and education now, but now is when all the consequences are catching up to me. My finances, my security, my relationships, my home, my job. All of this. Gone. I have to let myself attribute these decisions on my illness.
So here in Crazyville I'm pretty miserable and drowning. We are determined to dig ourselves out of this. I am very very lucky that I have a husband who still loves me and is here. And that I still have my kids. We are still a family together. I haven't destroyed that. They love me, despite everything, and I am very lucky.
Whether anyone is reading this or not, I don't think that is why I am writing. I just need to. Anyone who wants to talk, I need it right now. If you know how to find me on here, I know I must want to talk to you.
I'm sorry for the things I've done. But I am going to quit saying it everyday. I remember growing up, I was taught that if you didn't repent for your sins before you fell asleep, and didn't wake up - you would be unsaved and eternally damned. If you didn't repeatedly, everyday accept Christ you were unsaved. I remember this scaring the hell out of me. That thought of losing eternity. Of looking out the window and seeing any airplane in the sky at night, and physically feeling fear, thinking it was the Second Coming and I wasn't ready.
This is a very self-defeating mindset. And I have to quit doing it in this situation. I've told everyone, including myself, that I am very very sorry. I need to quit saying it. I meant it, very much. And now I need to go on. As someone recently said to me, stop having a pity party. I feel like if I don't say it, everyday, I'm showing no remorse. And I have so much. But if I am forgiven, by everyone else, and that is what they are telling me, and by myself, I don't need to keep saying it. I'm sorry. There. Thats it.
I am realizing the extent of the damages of this illness. I've lost everything. Accept my family. Everything else. I recently learned that Type 1 is not more severe than Type 2, contrary to popular belief. And that sometimes Type 2 is worse and you are sicker. It makes me feel better, and scares me at the same time.
I never want to use it as an excuse.
But I'm feeling very sick.
But I must find the strength to move on. I can and I will.
I have the power.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
This is going to be a very jumbled post.
I don't even know how to write.
I can't even bring myself to give it a title.
I can't concentrate, and I can't gather my thoughts.
They are just there, random, unexpected, spontaneous, and jumbled.
I need to write and don't know how.
My mom is gone.
She is not coming home.
I have had my mom my whole life, never really been away from her.
This was not always a good thing, and often detrimental.
Nonetheless, true.
Especially in the last few years I have been very dependent on her, due to health issues, and she has helped me tremendously with money.
But we never got along.
There were many many bad fights, and horrible words.
From both of us.
My mom is old. I should realize this.
I don't like thinking about mortality.
But she is gone now.
The reality of that hasn't sunk in yet.
I am completely overwhelmed.
My world is crashing. Completely.
I was not prepared financially, and we are barely existing when it comes to money.
I have not had to be independent.
She has always carried me.
And now she is gone.
And the regrets.
Why didn't I just let her be her? And ignore her.
I always thought I had to voice myself.
The fact is, she was mean.
She was.
Very mean sometimes. Very hateful.
Because I was never away from her, I was never free of this hatefulness.
I never developed a normal adult child relationship with her.
Never got away from her.
Looking back, I know alot of everything that happened was due to being bipolar. Including everything with my mom. I'm not blaming anyone or anything, just understanding it. My financial world has been destroyed because of decisions made because of being bipolar. And therefore I stayed dependent on her.
And, as Russell Brand said (speaking of bipolar) - "I don't like change."
A week exactly after her stoke, we had a horrible car accident. We should not have walked away from it. Me and my kids should have been killed, along with the other guy. And we knew it. I went home and kissed my babies. Over and over.
I will write more later.
I am not okay.
Nikki - I read your blog, and I related so much to something you said. The last part made me cry.
"Been thinking about the reason behind today's celebrations - Independence Day. And what that can mean for me. Freedom from bad choices. Freedom from old tapes in my head that say I'm a failure and other nasty things. Freedom from the belief that I won't actually make the changes I need to. And freedom/independence from the state of ill-health I've been calling life for a while now."
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you.
I love you Mom.
I'm so sorry.
And I miss you so much, and you're not even gone yet.
I don't even know how to write.
I can't even bring myself to give it a title.
I can't concentrate, and I can't gather my thoughts.
They are just there, random, unexpected, spontaneous, and jumbled.
I need to write and don't know how.
My mom is gone.
She is not coming home.
I have had my mom my whole life, never really been away from her.
This was not always a good thing, and often detrimental.
Nonetheless, true.
Especially in the last few years I have been very dependent on her, due to health issues, and she has helped me tremendously with money.
But we never got along.
There were many many bad fights, and horrible words.
From both of us.
My mom is old. I should realize this.
I don't like thinking about mortality.
But she is gone now.
The reality of that hasn't sunk in yet.
I am completely overwhelmed.
My world is crashing. Completely.
I was not prepared financially, and we are barely existing when it comes to money.
I have not had to be independent.
She has always carried me.
And now she is gone.
And the regrets.
Why didn't I just let her be her? And ignore her.
I always thought I had to voice myself.
The fact is, she was mean.
She was.
Very mean sometimes. Very hateful.
Because I was never away from her, I was never free of this hatefulness.
I never developed a normal adult child relationship with her.
Never got away from her.
Looking back, I know alot of everything that happened was due to being bipolar. Including everything with my mom. I'm not blaming anyone or anything, just understanding it. My financial world has been destroyed because of decisions made because of being bipolar. And therefore I stayed dependent on her.
And, as Russell Brand said (speaking of bipolar) - "I don't like change."
A week exactly after her stoke, we had a horrible car accident. We should not have walked away from it. Me and my kids should have been killed, along with the other guy. And we knew it. I went home and kissed my babies. Over and over.
I will write more later.
I am not okay.
Nikki - I read your blog, and I related so much to something you said. The last part made me cry.
"Been thinking about the reason behind today's celebrations - Independence Day. And what that can mean for me. Freedom from bad choices. Freedom from old tapes in my head that say I'm a failure and other nasty things. Freedom from the belief that I won't actually make the changes I need to. And freedom/independence from the state of ill-health I've been calling life for a while now."
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you.
I love you Mom.
I'm so sorry.
And I miss you so much, and you're not even gone yet.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
So I finally have a phone I can post on again. im sure ill have alot to say very soon. so glad to be back.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
I Hope You Dance
"I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean"
These are lyrics in the song I Hope You Dance by Lee Ann Womack. This song has always made me think of my kids. Usually makes me cry.
On Monday, if everything goes to plan, Tyler will be leaving - officially (kind of) leaving the nest. He will go to California to start his internship. He finished his music recording program last week. He is leaving me. But not too far. And he will be by the ocean.
"I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance"
When Tyler started last year at the Conservatory his dad let him know how stupid it was. How it was a horrible educational decision. How it was bad. But Tyler knew what he wanted and he made it happen. Throughout this whole year at the school negative comments have been made. But Tyler just ignored them. I'm sure they hurt and pissed him off. But he quietly just kept going. That's my boy. Just last month Kirk said to me "if Tyler goes over to California he will do nothing but fail miserably." I think he's just jealous. Royce and Syd and Lynds and Ryan and Cheyenne and me have all encouraged him the whole time. We think its wonderful and all have faith in him. Alot.
"Never settle for the path of least resistance"
When Tyler was barely in high school, I showed him the Conservatory. He blossomed mentally, physically, introspectively, and musically in high school, and when it was over he decided he was going to the Conservatory no matter what. And he did.
"Livin' might mean takin' chances, but they're worth takin'"
I have to work every night this week if I'm going to get him there. I hope to not have to work Sunday night so I can spend that last night home with him. I'm the only one helping him. My mom cosigned the school loan, and has been helping with it. But no one is helping him get to his internship but me. I just hope I don't get cancelled.
"Lovin' might be a mistake, but it's worth makin'"
He has a few shirts, a few pants, nothing really nice, a couple pair of shoes, some personal things, his girlfriend, and her car.
I'm sure I will be working extra shifts and will get very well acquainted with Western Union.
"Don't let some Hellbent heart leave you bitter"
I recently asked his grandfather in Iowa, Kirk's dad for help. Kirk has done nothing to help the kids ever,except the occasional trip to the store, and the forced child support that stopped when he quit working last year. He especially hasn't helped Tyler with school. His father, who has always had money, very politely put me in my place and declined. What can you expect from a Human Resources manager? And what else can you expect from someone who never helped HIS own children? What was I thinking?
Its ok Tom. We can do it without you. I carry his letter in my purse with me at all times. I'll probably frame it someday.
And I still remember Mr. Claus's words. All of them.
I guess he was right. Tyler did very well in public school.
"Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance"
I've been so busy trying to find a way to get Tyler there and focusing and stressing about it, that when I stop and think - I realize my baby is leaving. That in a few days he will be gone. It will be phone calls when I am lucky. And lots of worry. It hasn't hit me yet. I'm so sad and excited at the same time.
I think of Crush the Sea Turtle in Finding Nemo.
Marlin: How do you know if they're ready?
Crush: Well, you never really know, but when they know, you know, y'know?
I love you Tyler. I have so much faith in you. If anyone can do it its you. And if things don't all go to plan - I'm deliriously proud of you for trying. And I will always, always be here for you. Cheering you on. Out of all the things I've done wrong, I must have done something right, right???
(Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder, where those years have gone?)
Go ahead Tyler. Do what I didn't. I know you can.
"And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance"
These are lyrics in the song I Hope You Dance by Lee Ann Womack. This song has always made me think of my kids. Usually makes me cry.
On Monday, if everything goes to plan, Tyler will be leaving - officially (kind of) leaving the nest. He will go to California to start his internship. He finished his music recording program last week. He is leaving me. But not too far. And he will be by the ocean.
"I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance"
When Tyler started last year at the Conservatory his dad let him know how stupid it was. How it was a horrible educational decision. How it was bad. But Tyler knew what he wanted and he made it happen. Throughout this whole year at the school negative comments have been made. But Tyler just ignored them. I'm sure they hurt and pissed him off. But he quietly just kept going. That's my boy. Just last month Kirk said to me "if Tyler goes over to California he will do nothing but fail miserably." I think he's just jealous. Royce and Syd and Lynds and Ryan and Cheyenne and me have all encouraged him the whole time. We think its wonderful and all have faith in him. Alot.
"Never settle for the path of least resistance"
When Tyler was barely in high school, I showed him the Conservatory. He blossomed mentally, physically, introspectively, and musically in high school, and when it was over he decided he was going to the Conservatory no matter what. And he did.
"Livin' might mean takin' chances, but they're worth takin'"
I have to work every night this week if I'm going to get him there. I hope to not have to work Sunday night so I can spend that last night home with him. I'm the only one helping him. My mom cosigned the school loan, and has been helping with it. But no one is helping him get to his internship but me. I just hope I don't get cancelled.
"Lovin' might be a mistake, but it's worth makin'"
He has a few shirts, a few pants, nothing really nice, a couple pair of shoes, some personal things, his girlfriend, and her car.
I'm sure I will be working extra shifts and will get very well acquainted with Western Union.
"Don't let some Hellbent heart leave you bitter"
I recently asked his grandfather in Iowa, Kirk's dad for help. Kirk has done nothing to help the kids ever,except the occasional trip to the store, and the forced child support that stopped when he quit working last year. He especially hasn't helped Tyler with school. His father, who has always had money, very politely put me in my place and declined. What can you expect from a Human Resources manager? And what else can you expect from someone who never helped HIS own children? What was I thinking?
Its ok Tom. We can do it without you. I carry his letter in my purse with me at all times. I'll probably frame it someday.
And I still remember Mr. Claus's words. All of them.
I guess he was right. Tyler did very well in public school.
"Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance"
I've been so busy trying to find a way to get Tyler there and focusing and stressing about it, that when I stop and think - I realize my baby is leaving. That in a few days he will be gone. It will be phone calls when I am lucky. And lots of worry. It hasn't hit me yet. I'm so sad and excited at the same time.
I think of Crush the Sea Turtle in Finding Nemo.
Marlin: How do you know if they're ready?
Crush: Well, you never really know, but when they know, you know, y'know?
I love you Tyler. I have so much faith in you. If anyone can do it its you. And if things don't all go to plan - I'm deliriously proud of you for trying. And I will always, always be here for you. Cheering you on. Out of all the things I've done wrong, I must have done something right, right???
(Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder, where those years have gone?)
Go ahead Tyler. Do what I didn't. I know you can.
"And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance"
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