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Life or Something Like It

Life SHOULD NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well- preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally WORN out and screaming "WOO HOO - WHAT A RIDE!!!"

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Kind of just struggling to get through the days. The heat is killing me. Don't even want to go outside. Then at night, it doesn't even cool off. I act like this is a new experience for me. I've only lived here in hell for 35 years. You would think I'd be used to it by now. But its the opposite. Every summer that comes I tolerate the heat a little less. The older I get the more I want to not live here. Every day I've been thinking a little more about getting the hell out of hell. Thinking about the Pacific Northwest. Oregon, Washington, Northern Cali. Even Prescott or Flagstaff. Everytime we drive up there, I don't want to drive back. I know eventually I will be somewhere else. So what is keeping me here? My kids, their school, my house, my mortgage, the fact that probably no one else is ever going to sell me a house, the price of houses, my mom and dad, Royce's mom and dad, my job. Those things. Yeah.

I hate being stuck. Stuck in my head. Immobilized by the "what if". I honestly believe that you can't live that way, yet here I am doing it. That you have to live like its your last day, yet prepare like you will live till 100. I'm not doing either one of those things. Last summer we almost moved to Prescott. We were this close. Then decided against it. Just picking up and moving, and dealing with the changes. Where would I be right now if we did that?

I want to live somewhere where it is green. Somewhere not so hot. Somewhere it rains. Somewhere not so populated. Somewhere with clean air. Somewhere Royce and I can start off with a house that is "ours", something we built together, not something he inherited, with lots of memories in it. Somewhere with a better school system and a better neighborhood. Somewhere that is better for the kids. Somewhere away from my horrible, smelly, digusting, freak neighbors. Somewhere with trees.

Somewhere where life is better. Somewhere nice.

This thought is starting to get to me. Starting to eat at me.

There was a dust storm last night. It is actually called a haboob. A very intense dust storm. You could actually see it coming. There was a wall of dust thousands of feet high, and you could actually see where it started and stopped. It was amazing. We went outside for it. Its almost ominous to see this weather phenomenon that actually has a visible thousand foot "wall" coming toward you. They are awesome though. We sat outside. The whole sky turned brown, winds got pretty strong, little birds were flying sideways, visibility was maybe 500 feet, and the temperature dropped about 20 degrees or more. The air was actually cool. It was such a nice change. I love storms. Any kind. I love the monsoon. Hope it doesn't cheat and tease us this years. It is truly the only good thing about summer here. The monsoon. Hopefully there will be some Auntie Em weather this year.

Here's a picture of a haboob over Phoenix. Awesome, huh?



Still thinking. Almost want to impulsively drive up to Prescott today. Maybe we will.

Maybe I'll plan for it. Gee, thats a new concept for me. Planning. Maybe I'll plan this whole summer and next year, and move the summer after that, so Tyler can start high school in a better place. I think that sounds good.

Thinking.

Listening to Dead Can Dance.
Thoughts of Fallen Angel at 9:31 AM

7 Comments:

Red said...

And now a blatant ploy to get you to move HERE:
You know I've lived in a LOT of different places, lots, and when I first moved here it wasn't by any big choice, I really had no other viable options.
BUT, I love it here. K and I go downtown frequently and there are all these places to go. A Saturday market, a couple actually, there's one right down the street from him, and another one that's much bigger downtown.
It is not Phoenix here, not at all. And that might not be all good, if you're used to TONS to do all the time, but then again, there is always something to do. Always concerts, always movies, there was something called an Art Hop a couple of weeks ago, local artists come and hang their wares out and people just walk down the streets and look and buy.
It is green here, not always, but it is most of the time. It gets cold in the winter but I love that it gets cold, there are seasons. You have the ocean, the OCEAN, under 3 hours away, and the river. Lots of camping.
I happen to know a few people that work at hospitals...hint, hint.
And I have a mortgage broker that sold ME a house.
And I AM HERE!!!
So, yeah, you do what you need to do, but I would love to have you here and I know you'd love it. It's beautiful and you can find all kinds of things here, no there isn't the desert right here and we don't have weather phenomenons named after boobs (I saw that last night and went "woah") but we do have thunderstorms and a few restless mountains.
It's a good place to find peace.
:)

6/07/2006 8:49 PM
Royce said...

sounds like heaven to me, plus there is good beer there!!!!!!!!

6/08/2006 2:46 AM
Royce said...

BEER

6/08/2006 2:46 AM
Royce said...

YOU FORGOT GOOD BEER

6/08/2006 2:47 AM
Red said...

Sorry, Royce you are correct, there is GREAT BEER here too. :)
Right now we're having a festival and the fleet is in - that means sailors in uniform. uh huh
;)

6/08/2006 11:26 PM
Anonymous said...

So, the other night, I gave you my email, it seemed to be a bit of a delay on these postings,
Would love to hear from you again.
You might try Seattle.
And anti-depressants..
it rains there.
Do you remember rain?
I think about going somewhere cooler too, then I turn up the ac in the car and go to work.
Working on getting out of the rat race.. each and every dollar counts

6/08/2006 11:35 PM
Anonymous said...

Robin says ....Oh I can totally relate to your feelings of being "stuck" the hot weather,the pollution etc. I dream of getting away, going to california, starting all over again, trying to play on the pro beach circut, finishing what I started years ago. I miss the east coast, cape cod, Brookline , the beautiful seasons changing of the leaves, the ocean, Nantucket, martha's vineyard. etc. the smell of fresh cut grass and the fresh air smell when the wind blows by you.
All I can say to you is what my heart screams..... hang in there love. There are better things to come in this life. It is what you make of it. Try to find the positive. You can control your emotions and your destiny. BRAINSTORM with your hubby. when you do, it is like you can both accomplish anything. Even if the idea is silly. You will even laugh with the crazy ideas you can come up with. I already know that you guys have brainstormed and told your desires. The "bar " you want to own. Maybe you will become millionaires when the time is right for the property that you own now. You are in the "mainstream area when it comes to downtown px. Val and I are going out after work in the am for a nitecap at the brass rail. wish you could be there. missing you. rockin R.

6/10/2006 10:42 PM

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