Back In Black

Since I got sick, (May 7) I haven't really posted here. I was in the hospital 5 or 6 times, and when I was at home from the hospital, I usually spent my time sick too. But I think I'm back. Last night at work I didn't get sick. And tonight at work I haven't gotten sick. This, believe it or not is something major. Evertime I ate, I would get sick. Everytime, no matter what it was. One day last week, I ate 3 Starbursts, after starving all day cause I was scared to eat. I was sick, stomach hurting, nausea, intense back pain.and diarrhea for 6 hours. These las 48 hours have been something out of the ordinary since May 6th. Basically, everyday I would feel ok until I ate, then about an hour after I ate I could kiss the rest of the day goodbye - and spent it on the couch or bed with a heating pad to my back or stomach, or ended up in a hot bath. In and out of the bathtub, on and off the couch. Sometimes hurting the whole night. Trying to be wife and mommy, with continual pain, It was really getting old.

So basically if I would have posted in the last 3 months, it would probably just have been about gastrointestinal hell.

Since I've been feeling better, I've been really struggling with my mood. In the last two weeks its been a real challenge. I still don't feel very educated or familiar with bipolar, but I think lately I've been very manic (at least what is manic for me) and very mixed. I can't sleep - insonmia ensues. And when I'm laying down trying to sleep, my thoughts just race. I can't calm my mind down. And there is a gloomy feeling about everything. The future, the past, right now. I stress and stress about things, the thought of many many stressors racing continually through my mind. I'm recognizing it as a chemical reaction. I'm recognizing the symptoms. But am on no meds, and its very hard to control the mood without those meds. But the meds turn me into a zombie with a heartbeat. I made the decision long ago not to take those meds. But last week I actually took some tegretol, remembering how sleepy I was on it, hoping it would help me sleep that day. It didn't. But oh how much better I felt mentally that day. Enough about the bipopular.

Oh and the nightmares. On a regular basis. I know thats a symptom of bipolar. But it sucks and doesn't make it feel any better. REM sleep cures it, but haven't been getting much of that.

I think my mind is slowing down a little. I've been at work the last 3 nights. I've never felt the effects of it at work, and I did these last few nights. Not really tonight though. Tonight has been a beautiful night of quiet patients. I have to say, I very much like being the nurse again and not the patient.

I've been thinking about my dad lately. Don't know why. Maybe cause I am back at work, on the floor he was on right before he went to Hospice. Maybe cause I've spent alot of time at my mom's house lately - alot of time laying in his old bed, with pictures, beautiful pictures, of him - staring at me. I haven't missed his this much in a long time.

I've had to deal with the house alot this last week too. The old house, which is still in my name. Had to get it cleaned up cause the city cited me, and had to go to court last week about it. My mom, got her 79 year old butt out there and did yardwork for me. I was so sick, and she helped me so much. But court was stressful.
I should say the time leading up to court was stressful. The people were actually very nice. I think just being in and seeing the house, what used to be my home, really gets to me. Losing my house really hurt. The apartment is beautiful, but losing the house is overwhelmingly sad sometimes. And I of course had to have my court date on July 29, the same day that that stupid immigration law, SB 1070, went into effect here - ok at least some of it. I was at that exact innersection that they were showing on CNN last week, where everyone was protesting and getting arrested, Washington and 1st Avenue. It was crazy there.

There are brief moments of peace. Brief moments of clear sky, when the clouds move out of the way for a little bit. And in all of this I haven't been drinking. And haven't really wanted to. I've had a drink here and there, but overall alcohol would have killed my stomach, and I didn't even want it. Cathy, if you read this I had a couple shots after we came to see you and Jenn. I needed it. I apologize for not getting back to your recently, I've just been busy and been sick. I love you too.

Along with the SB 1070 bill about the illegals, our blessed governor Brewer also passed a law that alcohol can be served on Sunday mornings. Up until now alcohol could not be sold anywhere in Arizona on Sunday mornings until 10 am. And I work every Saturday night. It kinda sucked. Cause there is no way I am waiting at the Rail while I'm having breakfast after work, until 10. But now I don't have to. Lauren and me are contemplating going after work this morning and celebrating the first Sunday of the new law, throwing a few back.

The kids are settling in well to the apartment. Actually liking it. Swimming lots. I'm back to work, so finances will get better. Spending lots more time with the kids. So I know life is ok. Its like looking through sunglasses. I know its sunny and bright, I just can't see it. And speaking of sunny, I think the weather affects me. The heat here just drains the life out of you. I find myself more depressed during the summer, cause its so fucking hot outside.

And Robin has been staying with us, so that has been nice. I like having her there. I missed her alot since I left County.

I've been going here -

http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Last_words

It fascintates me.

I think I should get a new book. Read more.

The Monsoon has finally hit. We've had rain and storms the last few days. Its been WOONDERFUL. So wonderful. Someday I will live where it is coudy and rainy. By the ocean.