666.

This is my 666th post. I guess I think that's significant because of the "evil" connotation of that number. Not that I'm evil, but I guess it's important because it's so connected to everything I don't believe in anymore, and this blog has been my place for that transformation. And I guess in a satyrical, dark sense of humor way I relate to that number. Want to be associated with it - In a humorous joking way if course. I saw something the other day - how we need a "sarcasm" font, to identify when we want what we write to be taken with sarcasm. Guess I need that font here.

Anyone who is into numerology knows that the number 3 is very significant, even people who are unaware of it. Like how deaths and plane crashes happens in 3s. People know this. And therfore 666 definately has it's mumerologic importance. So I am going to write about 3 things today.

1. Fixing the world.
2. Roadblocks
3. My Path

Since we moved, I've been doing alot more self-study. Wicca, naturopathic things, and my meditation devotional. The change in my lifestyle has allowed more time and opportunity to read. Much of what I read is geared toward other people. Service. Fixing the world. Therapuetic lifestyles, not harming the environement and of coarse "harm ye none". Bringing and making peace. Helping others. And I'm in a profession where I am committed to helping and healing others. I see UNICEF, and environemental organizations, and relief agencies, and being part of them and contributing to "the greater good" is so much of what I believe and want to be a part of, and I start seeking ways to be a part of it all and "change the world". After alot of thinking and self-inspection, I realize I can't change the world before I change my own world. I have 5 beautiful, wonderful children I am personally responsible for bringing into this world. Before I should try to contribute to anything else, I need to make them my ultimate priority. Making not "the world" a better peaceful loving responsible place, but to first make sure my children live in a peaceful, healthy, environmentaly resposible, place where they are instilled with love for each other, and an awareness of the world around them. Now they may choose other values than mine, but I must equip them with security, education, tolerance, and peace. I recently realized that this is my contribution. To peace, to the environment, to the cosmos, to the world and society. My children and home are my contribution. I need to focus. Moving was a huge step in that direction. And I already see results. We went from confusion, congestion, and chaos to simplicity and clean and routine. Everyone is happier. But there are still alot of behaviors from divorce, from having an alcholic mommy, and from my bipolar. Alot of the negative. From now on my first priority is to counteract any of the negativity from these things. I have a big job. But my children are wonderful human beings, they deserve it and the world needs them. So I have simplified my response to my beliefs. The homefront is my concern. And hopefully someday when they are grown and contributing and peaceful themselves I can do something on a broader level. But for now......

2. Roadblocks. The path of Wicca and Yoga is one of acceptance. Anger has been a constant in my life. That path is accepting of all beliefs and paths. I am not. I have a hatred for Christianity. My own issues. They are hurting me, not helping me and it is time to let them go and look at things differently. I will be 40 this year. It is time to not be angry. As Faraday (for all of us Losties out there) would say - " Whatever happened, happened." Tempe church, Liz Clark, Karl, Mr. Klaus, all if it. It happened. Time to move on.

On March 31 here in Scottsdale, a man -distraught over his pending divorce- woke up in the morning, and put a bullet into his 15 month old and one into his 5 year old. Point blank. Called the cops, reported it, then turned the gun on himself - but, like any coward, hesitated at the last minute. Shot a hole through the roof of his mouth and through his nose. But missed everything important, unlike with his two young sons. He was taken to my hospital. And put on my floor. I saw the news story when it happened. And then there he was at work. I knew I couldn't be his nurse. At least not compassionately. Part of me wanted to. So I would be able to inflict some kind of pain on him, change his dressing with Lysol, insert a rectal tube, start an IV in his eye. All I really needed was a simple kitchen fork. A rusty one. Actually, my biggest weapon would probably be my mouth, like always? " do you have kids? Want to see mine? I just love those ages, a year and a half and 5, want to know what we did for Easter? Do you think this fork in your eye hurts as much as that bullet in your 5 year old's chest? Let's see if you bleed as much as they did. And morhine, I'm sorry, were out". Yeah something like that. It honestly made me suck that I was that physically close to him. I let the charge nurse know not to assign him to me. But everything I believe in, all if it has no room for hate or harm. To anyone. ANYONE. There is no room for these negative feelings, if I am to be whole and peaceful, but I hated him so much. I really struggle with people like that. And I guess all hate comes from fear. It is something I really struggle with. I also still struggle with alcohol. It is something my body needs, that I don't deny it. I have moderated it alot, but I still struggle. One thing I read recently is that renouncing bad beghaviors and concentrating on getting rid of them is not the way to do it. Instead, so find positive behaviors, to concentrate and nuture them, and they will eventually eliminate the bad ones, cause there won't be time or energy for both. The two wolves once again. So this is my new strategy for the negative.

3. My Path. I am realizing, as I turn 40, that I have been drawn to Wicca, and it is more than a passing, rebellious reaction to a negative Christian upbringing. It is home. It is my path and where I belong. But Wicca is not all. Yoga is my home too. I've been "doing yoga" regularly, not the physical, but mentally. I have alo of mental blocks when it comes to the physical yoga. My weight, body image, the poses. But I need it, and realize even at the weight and physical condition right now that it is home, it is who I am. So goodbye to mental blocks. I will go at my own pace, but will overcome. I want to do more than nursing for a career. I know it is what I have to do right now, and is my way of supporting my family. It is where I am at this point in life. But I want more. I have decided I want to be a Yoga instructor in the future. I have a long way to go with a lot if work, but I want it. In the next 10 years, by the time I am 50, I want this to happen. It will take a huge transformation both physically and mentally, but why not? I can do that or just continue to stay stagnant. So this is my goal. And it feels, after realizing Yoga with Wicca, that I am finally home. Imperfect, but Home.