Nurture and Nature

Arlene - thanks for stopping by! Good luck with your move. I hate moving, but once you get in its worth it. Hope it all goes well for you, and hope you keep coming by. My blog has mellowed alot over the last 5 years. I was very angry for awhile. I'm sure I was much more entertaining in years past. Things have kind of mellowed for me. This is a good thing.

Heather - yes I finally have a permanent phone. I'll email it to you. I miss you so much. I would love to have you over. If not before, I do plan on having a 40th birthday party this October. So keep it in mine. You too Nikki. Hell, everyone keep it it mind.

Nikki - I spent Spring Equinox moving. Next holiday, is it Beltane? I will do more. Hopefully I have the night off. Maybe I will even find something in the community. I did that one year and it was so great.

The couch and the table are orgasmic. Love them. This next week Royce and I both took off time, cause we thought that would be the week we were moving. We are going to finish the whole moving thing, and clean up the old house. I even like doing dishes and laundry in the new place. Its just so clean and pretty. Can't wait for a little extra money to add some finishing touches. Gotta get all my witchy stuff there. I feel a little naked and lost without all my stuff.

Started doing yoga again. Very basic, but its a start. And meditating. And I'm back in the gym. We have a fitness center there and I'm starting to go. Went twice this week. Want to work up to almost every day. I need it so bad.

The mood has started on a downward spiral. Very hard to regulate without meds. And since we started moving haven't been taking my natural stuff. I'm starting to really notice. Hopefully the exercise and yoga will help. I just couldn't get my mood up yesterday, no matter what I did. The important thing is I didn't let it keep me from anything. I worked out. I cleaned. I went to work. I guess thats what I really need to train myself to do: not to eliminate the mood, but to work through it and function in spite of it.

Right before we moved I had the talk with Ryan. He is 8 now, and I never lied to him about Mike, the subject just never came up. I knew it would someday, and always knew I would be honest with him when I felt the time was right. Well, he started asking all kinds of questions, about babies, and being pregnant, and siblings, and just normal questions. Very curious. Then he said to me, "Mom, if Dad (Royce) wouldn't have married you, me and Cheyenne wouldn't be here, would we?" It took me off guard, and I just kind of agreed with him at first. Knowing that that would be true for Cheyenne, but that Ryan would be here regardless. Knowing its not fair that the older kids know the truth while he doesn't. I felt guilty telling him what I did. It felt wrong. So I decided it was time. I asked Royce first, to make sure it was ok that I talk to him without Royce there. He said it was fine. So I sat down with Ryan and told him he had another dad. He was very curious, and very happy about it. Wanted to know all about Mike, what he looks like, where he lives, what he is like, his cousins, and aunts and uncles, and what they look like, and where they live. I told him about Alison's farm, and he wants to go there and see all the animals. I answered all his questions the best I could. Remembering what it was like growing up being adopted, wondering the same things myself, but unable to know them till I was 18. Ryan is so innocent and loving and good. He wants to know when he can visit them. When he can see his other grandparents. When he can see his cousin and aunts. When he can go to Mike's house. He talks about it alot now. He even got out a picture of me and Mike and put it up in his new room. He also was very concerned about hurting Royce's feelings. He said," Royce is still my dad and I love him." It breaks my heart to know that that family wants nothing to do with Ryan and will not even acknowledge him even though they all know about him. And there would be no DNA test needed, he looks exactly like all of them. OMG. If you put him and Danny (his 9 year old cousin) next to everyone, he is the one that would belong if it were based on looks. Its like a carbon copy. They would never be able to deny him. But they do. I made sure they all knew. So when the time came Ryan could never say to me that I kept it from anyone. Its on them if they choose to acknowledge him or not. It hurts me that he may be hurt by it someday though. I feel like its something bad I have done to him. That its my fault. But being adopted myself, I also know that blood may be thick, but family are the people that you grow up with. And that can never be changed, no matter how much you look like someone, or how "related" you are. Peggy and me are sisters, in every sense of the word, but I look like Tara. My mom is my mom, for better or for worse, but I look and act like Suzie and came out of her body. And as far as my dad goes, well, dad will always be my hero. My Knight in Shining Armor. My Superman. Dad was Dad. So Royce has nothing to worry about. Its complicated. But its something that only me and Ryan have in common. I can relate and understand. And I know that will help both me and Ryan in any situation that comes up. I found a letter that Mike wrote to Ryan as I was in labor. I will give it to him someday. I wish I would have had a letter like that growing up.

Mike, if you are reading this, take heed. Remember how it felt to be left by your mom. Don't do this to Ryan. For your sake.

We will get through it. Ryan will always be Royce's little boy. But there is a blood component to it also. Just like there was with me. Time will tell. It always does. And Ryan will be loved immensely regardless.
Always and Forever.