I made it!!!
Its almost over and then I get to go home.
3 more hours.
Now I'm glad I worked.

I need a beer
or 2,
and some Ambien.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

DNR

Tonight - I'm tired. I'm not mentally here.
This is my 4th nightshift - and I'm just tired.
I'm tired of taking care of other people.
One in particular - I've had for 5 shifts now.
I know her, and like her.
Very sweet little old lady.
Someone's mom.
But she has so much going on ......
Blood clot in her lung
Heparin drip
Feeding tube
Blood transfusion
Magnesium replacement
Potassium replacement
Incision
Insicion bleeding due to the heparin that she needs for the blood clot
Accu check cause of the tube feeding
Not tolerating the tube feeding
Lasix and peeing every 5 minutes
Can't get out of bed without help
Unintelligible speech due to cancer of her neck

What we call
A trainwreck.

This and 4 other patients.

I'm
Just
Tired.

If I ever get like that.........
I want a bullet right through my medulla oblongata.

I think my next tattoo will be
DNR
my Advance Directive
right on my chest
so when they rip my shirt off for chest compressions
there is NO question when someone tries to code me.

Today was pay day and that extra shift totally made a huge difference. I must do more of those. They aren't offered like they used to be, but are still available sometimes. Will be getting the X-BOX soon.

I've pretty much decided I'm not going to Alumni. Last year there was a particular member of the class of 88 who we could not recognize. I'm not going to have my fat ass plastered all over MySpace for people to not recognize and then gasp (like I did) when they see my name. Yeah, not going to happen. I'll just plan for number 25 in 5 years. And I'm really not in the mood for Larisa Darby, or Kerry Robertson, or Jimmy Johns. Or to be quizzed on how many fathers I have for my kids, like I was asked last time. I'll pass. I would love to see Lona and Steph, but that can be arranged anytime. I requested the time off, planning ahead, so maybe I will just go out of town or something. I'm sure Peggy will tell me all about it anyhow. Who's fat, who's bald, who's divorced, who's got kids, whose dead. I'll go in 5 years. Now that I've actually decided not to go I feel alot less stressed. How did you say it Nikki?
"try to look good and go somewhere to look at other people trying to look good and pretend that none of us cares what the rest think of us ....."

Interesting observation of the week:
Was inside a court room a few days ago.
Its funny how much it looks like the inside of a church.

Happy Valentine's!!!!

I decided my present to everyone today would be to work an extra day, so here I am at work. I mean, there are so many people that would love to even have a job right now, and my work is offering overtime. Yeah, kinda had to do it. I figured it was the loving thing to do. I told the kids I would buy them a new X-BOX with some of the extra money. Theirs has been broken for awhile. And they love those games. Ryan was really happy. So --- tonight is my gift.

And I have really easy patients tonight - its easy money.

I just talked to Tyler. He is at Disneyland right now. I'm so jealous.

I got all the kids some Valentine's stuff. And I brought Royce a coffee and breakfast this morning from work. It would have been nice to stay home, but I'm glad now that I'm here.

Mellow Yellow

Feeling better - I think.
Life is just kind of mellowing.
On my second of 3 nights of work.
Stomach is finally getting better.
Been not drinking and careful what I eat.
Finally - its getting better.
Its miserable to work all night hurting.
Went to my doctor for a follow-up and recheck.
Changed BP med and its working better.
Got crappy sleep yesterday -
I'm sure I will make up for it today.
Got my 90 day eval at work and it was really good.
I am so fortunate to have this job -
In this economy right now.
I guess there will always be sick people.
Not going to do anything "special" for Valentine's,
All the money went for other things.
Just going to stay home, sleep, and enjoy my family that night.
Got all my kids chocolate and a stuffed animal.
Syd and Lyndsey both have a science project I have to help them with.
Tyler is in California on a music trip (remember those???).
He is accompanying the choral group.
Who is that reminiscent of?
Memories.
Heather - I hurt for you. I wish we could talk.
I miss you so much.
Every time I go to the Rail to eat breakfast,
I hope you are going to be there.
I wish we could just sit down and talk.

It literally feels chemical.
mellllllooooooooooooooowwwwwnesssssssssssss..............
Like an emotional narcotic.
The pain is still there,
under everything,
You just .........
don't .....................
feel it anymore..............................
Ahh............
Seratonin.............
Maybe that's what I've been missing the whole time.

Even Sadder

Okay, this is just weird, and very very sad:
http://abcnews.go.com/International/wireStory?id=6722319

And this one too:
http://edition.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/asiapcf/02/05/suicide.for.liver/index.html?eref=edition_asia

Okay, now I'm thoroughly depressed.
Those along with listening to the inconsolable cries of a dying patient for the last 9 hours.
No wonder I'm depressed.

Kinda puts my life in perspective.

Sad

Sybil and Labrys thanks for your comments.
Its weird how someone in cyberspace can actually hurt your feelings.
I so wish I could go to your party Labrys.

Got floated tonight to an unfamiliar floor, but the night is going well. I guess nursing is nursing wherever you go. Have tonight off, so just have to get through the night. Its becoming very clear to me that all of my "medical" problems are due to stress. I'm not going to write a whole lot about it, but have basically had problems with my heart, my gallbladder, my stomach now, and when everything is worked up, everything is normal on paper. And when you put them all together they are all symptoms of stress. Been having a very hard time lately, with depression and anxiety. I never thought I was "one of those", but the way I have been feeling is undeniable and uncontrollable, and I understand as a nurse that those two things are controlled by chemicals and hormones. Something is very wrong, but I am doing what I am told to to fix it. I think the things I am feeling are the things I drank away for 2 years, and I am finally faced with them. My stomach has been so bad lately that I haven't had anything to drink for days, maybe a week or so. I think its probably the only way to heal my stomach, or at least not aggravate it. I'm on so many meds. I never thought I was one of those either. An antidepressant, something for sleep, something for my stomach, something for my blood pressure, which is turning into a huge thing. I hate this. I am determined to make this "med" thing a temporary thing. I was tempted the other day to just quit taking everything cold turkey. But after reconsideration, knowing the facts, I chose not to. I just feel so overwhelmed by everything, especially finances. And my house. So overwhelmed.

I'm just so very sad lately.

I don't know why I'm spilling all of this. To whoever. Like always, I guess it feels good to vent.

I think the meds are kicking in. Its been over 2 weeks. Starting to feel a little better. Royce said I am laughing more. Still crying alot. And am managing to go to work. So I guess they are working.

I was very sad on Imbolc. I thought about it alot that day. I missed you Nikki, and remembered everything we did last year. Very sad.

I hope I start to feel better soon.