The Evil I Have Seen

So I got my letter to Karl done and sent it. Feels good to say I am sorry. I still have my mom's to do. That should be easy. I will probably give her a plant or something too. This apology phase of this year is a huge step for me. It feels good. Makes me think too.

I have been having a hard time resisting lately. Haven't had anything to drink though. Just really don't want to wait the whole year. But I think I really need to. I know I am the only judge and jury of this. And I think I need my year. It would be great to say I am better at 6 months and end my year short. That would be great. But I know I need my year.

I'm a big believer in diversion tactics. They have worked for me alot. One night, in a matter of a few hours, I drank a whole bottle of Crown Royal with coke. Needless to say, I didn't keep the whole bottle down. I'm not sure anyone can do that. I have not been able to look at a bottle of, much lest ingest any Crown since then. It has been a huge diversion. In fact, when I am having a hard time, if I even smell it, it makes me want to wretch (that cat with a hairball thing) and the craving goes away - fast. So, when I need it, Royce will get a double of Crown, and I will dip my finger in for a taste, or better yet will smell the glass afterward. Not sure AA would approve of this tactic, but its still working for me. And that is what counts. (Brian at Murphy's even gave me an empty bottle for home to help me).

I am realizing what the 3rd component of this year is. What I need to do. There were other things that made me want to drink besides my dad. My dad was a category all to himself. The other things were bad things, many at work, that happened that I just didn't want to "see" anymore. Just didn't want to think about them. Lots of bad things. I think I need some closure on those things. I need to list them, all that I can remember, and then be done with them. I am going to list them here. The publicity of it somehow gives me some closure. Somehow validates them and lets them go. I know I will not be able to remember them all, but I will try to. When the list is done I will post it here.

I have to figure all of this out, because if I drink for any other reason than to have a drink recreationally, if I ever drink to get away from something, I will be out of control again. This is the most important thing for me to figure out. This is it. This is what I need to do in this year.

STEP 1: Closure on my Dad, and physical drying out.
STEP 2: Letting go of wrongs done to me, and making amends to people.
STEP 3: Closure on the evil I have seen.

These are the reasons I drank. I have completed two.
It is time to regurgitate the evil.
Prepare yourself.