Cerebral Morphine

(Well, Tequila is more like Dilaudid, methinks maybe)

I have always dreaded work. When it was bad, outright hated it. And when it was good, considered it one of those necessary evils. Always thought of it as something that kept me away from my kids, away from my life.

Tonight I had a very weird sensation. Not minding being at work - and almost, if I dare say it - prefer being here right now? Is that wrong?

I feel so out of control at home, especially when I think about everything. And I can only clean up my mess at a certain speed. Every paycheck things are getting better. But I can not speed things up. I guess if I'm at work I feel I am doing something productive. And its also a way of not having to look at the things I need, or to look at why it happened = Me. I guess its a way of escape.

Peggy was over at my mom's house. She still has a way of making me feel like shit. It was right after I woke up, and right before I left for work. Maybe I just feel like shit because I know what she thinks and says are true. I can only focus on fixing things. But I don't of course. And I can only go so fast. But she made me feel really bad. Like she has this perfect life, perfect husband, perfect kids, perfect house, perfect credit. Everything. And lets me know how bad I am.

I'm doing alot better, and have to remember the changes I've made.

I know I have lots of improvements to make, but I also know our definitions of "perfect" are two very different things.

And to top things off, my meds will run out before I see my doctor, where I would be without them for like 5 days, so I was trying to avoid a 5 day mental mess, and so decided to take only one today, saving it for before I went to work. When it happened with Peggy, I just got all angry, and sad, very very sad, and overwhelmed, then went to work. Sad about my kids, and life, and my "mess" ( I think that is how I will refer to it from now on). I just went straight down. Its so weird, I'm so sensitive to these meds (must mean they are what I need) that I can totally notice it when I miss even one dose. Its halfway through my night and I'm feeling better, but can still notice it.

I have a goal for each of my next 4 payshecks.
May 1st = Fix the brakes on my van (then I can use my car, and quit using my mom's car)
May 15th = Buy and install a water heater (we don't have hot water right now)
May 29th = Pay Cable, and get cable back on and home phone service (yep, no phone yet)
June 12th= Buy a stove ( don't have an actual stove, it broke awhile ago)

These are some of the things wrong. I no longer have a liquid anesthetic to make me not notice them. Now I have to deal with them.

I guess I just need to breathe.

Twilight is good so far.

6 weeks, 2 days with no anesthetic.
I don't like this.
Don't like feeling.