My Very Drunk Wolf

I've been thinking a lot lately about that story of the two wolves.
The two wolves that each of us has in us.
One made up of everything bad - hate, darkness, evil, sadness.
The other of everything good - love, giving, light, happiness.
Fighting inside of each of us all the time.
And which one "wins"?
The one we feed, --- of course.

The last time I worked I had two patients. I'm going to call them "Miss Fay" and "Miss Spring".
They both are older women, Miss Fay probably 20 years younger than Miss Spring, Miss Spring being 93 years old.
I ran both of their treatments.
They sat next to each other.
They are so much the same in so many ways. Both older females. Both in kidney failure. Both on dialysis.
But they are on completely opposite sides of the happiness scale.
Watching them just makes it so obvious that it is a choice.

Everyone loves Spring. She is 93, witty, quick, never complains, and keeps us in stitches for 3 hours 3 times a week. Everyone wants to take care of her. The first time I saw her she was talking about how she drinks her bourbon every night. Well, at 93, you go for it Girlfriend!!!

Fay is hateful, mean, spews horrible racial comments to the other patients and staff who aren't white, complains, bitches and moans the whole time. And looks like death. Really, honestly, like she should be in her coffin. No one wants to take care of her, and some refuse because she has been so hateful.

Maybe she should have a little of that Bourbon.

The two of them just make me think, thats all.
********************************************************************
On a different note, but not really,
I haven't been successful with my sobriety.
Am doing better though.
Had a couple of really bad lapses.
Doing better now though.
************************************************************
I've been feeding my bad wolf alcohol. I have a very alcoholic, intoxicated, drunk wolf.
***********************************************************
I am learning the reasons I drink.
The things that I want to be numb from.
There are alot of them.
To list them would just sound like bitching.

About a week ago, one of the really bad days, it started out ok, with the intention of having a beer or two. I drank all day. Several different places. By the time night had fallen, I decided I wanted to see my dad. I drove, yes drove, to the cemetary. Complete nightfall. The cemetary was closed, so I parked the van, got out, and walked all the way back to where he is. Found him in the pitch black. And sat there on top of him and sobbed. I used to think they were scary places at night. Just lonely. It kills me that he is there all the time. Everyday, everynight, winter, summer. Just there. Well, his body is.

I sobbed. And cleaned off his stone. Looked around. Death all around me. Ran my fingers over "MEGALE". Picked a little handful of grass that was growing over him, and walked through the very dark dark cemetary, over other gravestones, back to the van. Came home, patch of grass in hand. Had a major cry fest. I haven't cried like that since he died. I've just been numb. Clutched my grass. NUMB.

Royce said that night that I have never grieved since he died. Just numbed. Its been two years almost.

I'm going to feel sad now. I'm going to let myself miss him. I'm going to cry. No more numb.

I will never have another drink because of my Dad again. Ever.

And after two days ago, it felt good to write all that. But its been enough time. But I'm choosing to be Miss Fay and not Miss Spring.

I will never have another drink because of Kirk again either. Ever.
*********************************************************************************
I hadn't had anything to drink for 3 days. Didn't really want anything. Saw the kids a lot. It was nice.

I had one beer this afternoon. An Amber Bock. Yummy. And the nice bartenter who thinks I'm hot gave me a shot on the house.

I drank today because I was thirsty, it was 110 outside, and it tasted really good.
And any free shot earned by cleavage ALWAYS tastes good.

But I didn't drink to get away from anything.

Maybe this isn't the perfect way to do it, but its working for me right now.
***************************************************************
I take my Dialysis exam tomorrow at 1 pm. It will seal my job. I have to pass.
Wish me luck.