I think I'm going to try no carbs again. I will be careful this time and not get sick.
Finishing my 7th night in a row. And still going for awhile.
I miss my kids.
I miss my husband.
I had a dream that my dad was in yesterday. I was at Tempe Church, for some reason. I was outside on the walk-way. Over and over people would come over and say mean things to me. Lots of people. Harold Clark for one. Specific people. Over and over, wherever I went. I was really upset and ran inside. Church was going on. Van Bledsoe was preaching. I walked/ran down the aisle, during his sermon, with the full intention of interupting him and telling him how mean people were being to me and that it wasn't right, I wasn't that bad. I was crying. But I lost my courage and stopped halfway to the pulpit, and sat down in a middle row. It was the way Tempe Church used to be with 3 rows of pews, and was in the middle one. No one seemed to notice that I had been running, or that I was upset. Or that I sat down. Its like I was invisible. They all just kept quietly listening to Van. They didn't even look at me. I thought at first he noticed, but if he did, he didn't show it. He just kept talking. I sat there for a few minutes. Then the things he was saying, along with how bad those other people made me feel made it unbearable to sit there any longer, and I got up and walked out. I went outside to the parking lot. My parents were just getting there. My mom was very angry and yelling at me when she found out what happened. I started crying again, it all seemed so unfair, and so unprovoked. I couldn't understand why the people were so mean, and now my mom was being hateful and yelling. I saw my dad by his car. And he looked the way he used to look. Not when he was sick. Probably like about 10 years ago. When he weighed more. He was in his church jacket and pants. He was standing outside the car. I came over to him in tears. He wanted to know what was wrong, with his very quiet and calm way. I was crying, and told him. I was very upset. He told me it was very wrong what those people did. It didn't matter that they were church members, he just called it like it was. He wanted to know "what was wrong with them? Why would they act like that? It wasn't right." I just stood there in the parking lot while he talked to me. My mom was off to the side somewhere fuming. It was very much like the disagreements we had had in our family in real life. My mom ranting and raving, and my dad very calmly but very definitively calling a spade a spade. He never liked to see me hurt by anyone, and always hated unfairness. Things were very black and white with him. And he was usually very calm, but very matter of fact. In the dream, I only felt better after he talked to me in the parking lot. It was the only thing that made me feel better. It was like I felt validated and "safe" because finally, out of everyone there, I had someone, and not just "someone" but a very good someone, that was on my side, that told me I was ok, that I wasn't bad, and that they were wrong. And that validated everything. His "good" that was now with me on my side, was equal or more than the evil of all of those other people combined. And the dream ended there. It was in color. He was wearing his blue suit - the one we buried him in; his best suit. It was very sunny outside. I remember the colors of the walls inside the church. And the plants outside. I don't remember what my mom was wearing. Or me. The dream was very similar to the day I went and took Tyler's graduation program there.
I'm at work. Triage is empty right now. I'm praying - actually praying, to whoever, that no patient comes to be seen, cause I'm crying.
Gotta stop.
I miss my dad. I guess he will always be my hero. My knight in shining armor. Even now - cold, and still, and dead, .............
..................and gone.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Monday, July 30, 2007
Slip Slidin' Away
As I was finishing that last post I got a call that I was getting a patient from the emergency room, coming up on a stretcher (I'm working OB triage tonight, and it was empty at the time). So she gets here, the nurses leave, she gets weighed on the scale, she speaks no English, and on the way to the bathroom she squats in the hallway and starts grunting- and I'm like oh no we are not going to do this right here. I get her in a bed, don't even get a gown on her, pull her pants down, check her and the head is right there. I know nothing about her, not even her name. I take her to a room, and she delivers 5 minutes later.
A little adrenelin for the early morning.
Cute baby.
It's a full moon. What can I say?
A little adrenelin for the early morning.
Cute baby.
It's a full moon. What can I say?
Rosemary's Baby
After working at County for 8 years, and basically being alive for 36 years in general in the world the way it is today, it takes alot more than it used to - to shock me. To stop me. To make me sit back and say..............Wow, that was weird.
And yet, strangeness abounds.
People are freaks.
For instance:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20027027/?GT1=10150
Attempted exorcism of a 3 year old girl that left her grandfather dead. What the fuck? And her 19 year old mother (maybe that says it all - 19), the grandfather's own daughter, all bloody and naked, in the same room with her 3 year old, watching her father choke her child, and chanting some delusional stupid religious crap. Oh My God. And this made MSN news, and it happened right here in my little home town of Phoenix. Stupid fucker deserved to die.
("She's got her Father's eyes..........")
This could have been my crazy neighbor. Remember Carrie's mother? (Go to your closet child..... AND PRAY!!!!)
Yeah........
The more I know about people, the more I love my dog.
Crazy as hell.
Poor little girl.
Once again, horrificness in God's name.
I want to know what kind of god produces so much mental illness. Is there as big a percentage of buddhists that are mental? How about Hindus? Athiests? What is it about "God" that makes people go postal? That makes them hear voices?
Or is "religion" simply a symptom of insanity?
A way to justify your own delusional world and ideas.
I think I'm on to something............
Coo coo for CoCoPuffs.
Looney Toons.
And yet, strangeness abounds.
People are freaks.
For instance:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20027027/?GT1=10150
Attempted exorcism of a 3 year old girl that left her grandfather dead. What the fuck? And her 19 year old mother (maybe that says it all - 19), the grandfather's own daughter, all bloody and naked, in the same room with her 3 year old, watching her father choke her child, and chanting some delusional stupid religious crap. Oh My God. And this made MSN news, and it happened right here in my little home town of Phoenix. Stupid fucker deserved to die.
("She's got her Father's eyes..........")
This could have been my crazy neighbor. Remember Carrie's mother? (Go to your closet child..... AND PRAY!!!!)
Yeah........
The more I know about people, the more I love my dog.
Crazy as hell.
Poor little girl.
Once again, horrificness in God's name.
I want to know what kind of god produces so much mental illness. Is there as big a percentage of buddhists that are mental? How about Hindus? Athiests? What is it about "God" that makes people go postal? That makes them hear voices?
Or is "religion" simply a symptom of insanity?
A way to justify your own delusional world and ideas.
I think I'm on to something............
Coo coo for CoCoPuffs.
Looney Toons.
A-be-dee, a-be-dee, a-ba-dee----------------THATS ALL FOLKS!!!
(I wish that were true.)
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
It's Getting Hot In Here...........
Back to work. Had a night off, got to see everyone at home a little.
Started Harry Potter, the first book. I love it.
Saw something kind of interesting on MSN. Remember good old James Dobson? Focus on the Family? Those films we were forced to watch for vespers? The poster child for christian-family values. Yeah. Him. Apparently some things aren't worth the family focusing on:
http://liveearth.msn.com/green/religionpoll?GT1=10227
(for the whole story)
When asked whether or not the environment and global warming is something christians should be concerned about:
"A debate not worth having"
"Dobson, head of Focus on the Family, is at the forefront of a group of Christian social conservatives -- among them Gary Bauer, Coalitions for America; Don Wildmon, American Family Association; and Tony Perkins, Family Research Council -- who don't participate in the climate change debate so much as attempt to stanch it. It was members of this evangelical wing who complained to the NAE board about Richard Cizik, and who see global warming as an inherently "liberal" issue that can only divert attention from more pressing social concerns such as abortion and homosexuality."
A liberal issue. Isn't it a human issue?
Let's see, -------------- whether or not somone is having consensual gay sex is much more important than if we destroy our world. On scientific data alone, I think the polar ice caps melting, entire species of animals dying off, then us dying off might be a little more of a threat to our existence than let's say two guys having sex. But thats just me. What do I know?
I guess maybe christians are more intimidated by gays than ......... well probably just about anything. I know some gay people, and they are pretty scary. Apparently much more threatening than the destruction of our world.
But wait - global warming doesn't exist. I'll believe in a god who I can't see, who science proves doesn't exist, a god who has been the motivating factor behind more death and war than any disease or epidemic - but I won't believe scientific data about how hot our world is.
Brilliant.
I fear for my children.
And their children.
(What WOULD Jesus drive? I think he would drive an old volkswagon bus. With lots of flowers painted on it. I think he would drive around the country with Tommy Chong in the passenger seat, listening to Pink Floyd. Spreading peace and love. Totally.)
Started Harry Potter, the first book. I love it.
Saw something kind of interesting on MSN. Remember good old James Dobson? Focus on the Family? Those films we were forced to watch for vespers? The poster child for christian-family values. Yeah. Him. Apparently some things aren't worth the family focusing on:
http://liveearth.msn.com/green/religionpoll?GT1=10227
(for the whole story)
When asked whether or not the environment and global warming is something christians should be concerned about:
"A debate not worth having"
"Dobson, head of Focus on the Family, is at the forefront of a group of Christian social conservatives -- among them Gary Bauer, Coalitions for America; Don Wildmon, American Family Association; and Tony Perkins, Family Research Council -- who don't participate in the climate change debate so much as attempt to stanch it. It was members of this evangelical wing who complained to the NAE board about Richard Cizik, and who see global warming as an inherently "liberal" issue that can only divert attention from more pressing social concerns such as abortion and homosexuality."
A liberal issue. Isn't it a human issue?
Let's see, -------------- whether or not somone is having consensual gay sex is much more important than if we destroy our world. On scientific data alone, I think the polar ice caps melting, entire species of animals dying off, then us dying off might be a little more of a threat to our existence than let's say two guys having sex. But thats just me. What do I know?
I guess maybe christians are more intimidated by gays than ......... well probably just about anything. I know some gay people, and they are pretty scary. Apparently much more threatening than the destruction of our world.
But wait - global warming doesn't exist. I'll believe in a god who I can't see, who science proves doesn't exist, a god who has been the motivating factor behind more death and war than any disease or epidemic - but I won't believe scientific data about how hot our world is.
Brilliant.
I fear for my children.
And their children.
(What WOULD Jesus drive? I think he would drive an old volkswagon bus. With lots of flowers painted on it. I think he would drive around the country with Tommy Chong in the passenger seat, listening to Pink Floyd. Spreading peace and love. Totally.)
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Happy Sabbath
Just got home. Stopped at the Rail for breakfast, (went with Robin today), which I've done for the last 4 days in a row - which consists of 2 shots of tequila, a tequila sunrise, and spicy fries with a side of sausage. The breakfast of champions. Tomorrow is Sunday. The day the State and Government have decided that I should be in church instead of at the bar, and so mandated that alcohol cannot be purchased before 10 am. What the fuck? I hate Sunday mornings. If I choose to worship my Higher Power by having communion at the bar, then goddammit my government that upholds separation of church and state should be thrilled. I pay taxes, I work, I don't commit crime, yet I can't have a beer on Sunday morning. God's day. Trust me there is much more honesty going on in a bar on Sunday morning than in church. That said, I am home now, nicely buzzed, took my 2 sleeping pills, my shot of NyQuil, and am about to snuggle up with my puppy Tebs, and The Sorceror's Stone. YES!!!!!!!! It's true.........While sleeping yesterday, Royce went out and bought me the first Harry Potter book. As millions of followers are engrossed in the new Deathly Hallows book, that came out at midnight, - I myself start the series. I know, I am behind the times. But I'm ok with it. I love Harry Potter. The fact that its written at an 8th grade level doesn't hurt anything. I always said my IQ was probably like 75. I read slow.
Tequila and nyquil are slowly entering the blood stream. Tebs just hopped up on the bed, waiting for me.
Cheyenne and Royce are snuggled up on the couch, fast asleep. She is so precious when she is sleeping. All the time, but especially then. I just stood there and stroked her little face for a minute. I miss my kids so much when I work like this. But I have to. At least for now.
When I came in the door at 8:50, I asked Royce if he wanted to do what we did yesterday morning after work: the "I've-had-tequila-and-I-wanna-suck-your-dick" blow job. And boy did I. But after nodding yes, with eyes half open, he went back to sleep. Honey, if you're reading this, ........ your loss.
Royce is planning a date for me. For August 17th. Its a surprise. He has told me it involves eating at a place where there is a huge aquarium, which I love. I'm excited. I asked for the night off at work.
Poison and Styx are coming here on Aug. 15th. You do not know how bad I want to go.
Time to read. Time to sleep.
(Happy Sabbath everyone)
Namaste
Tequila and nyquil are slowly entering the blood stream. Tebs just hopped up on the bed, waiting for me.
Cheyenne and Royce are snuggled up on the couch, fast asleep. She is so precious when she is sleeping. All the time, but especially then. I just stood there and stroked her little face for a minute. I miss my kids so much when I work like this. But I have to. At least for now.
When I came in the door at 8:50, I asked Royce if he wanted to do what we did yesterday morning after work: the "I've-had-tequila-and-I-wanna-suck-your-dick" blow job. And boy did I. But after nodding yes, with eyes half open, he went back to sleep. Honey, if you're reading this, ........ your loss.
Royce is planning a date for me. For August 17th. Its a surprise. He has told me it involves eating at a place where there is a huge aquarium, which I love. I'm excited. I asked for the night off at work.
Poison and Styx are coming here on Aug. 15th. You do not know how bad I want to go.
Time to read. Time to sleep.
(Happy Sabbath everyone)
Namaste
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Moondust
Its a new, new moon everyone.
That magical time when energy starts over again.
Make a wish. Focus. Believe.
Focus...................until she is full again --- Jul 30 at 00:48.
Namaste
That magical time when energy starts over again.
Make a wish. Focus. Believe.
Focus...................until she is full again --- Jul 30 at 00:48.
Namaste
Friday, July 13, 2007
Good Friday
HAPPY FRIDAY THE 13th EVERYONE!!!!! Only happens twice a year.
My 11th nightshift in a row. At least one more.
Livingsword, thank you for stopping by. I always like to hear from you.
I think my response about the pope is the same as his in the aspect that we both think each other is wrong. I think it is vastly different in the aspect that I am not condemning anyone, telling them because of my beliefs I am in god's favor, and because they believe differently that god does not acknowledge them. I would never tell someone that. I think he, and all catholics are wrong to think they are the only ones god approves of. And Jehovah's Witness, and Mormons, and anyone else. I think its incredibly arrogant to think you are the only ones that are valid in god's eyes. The very fact that you believe this and profess it goes against Christ's teachings, and therefore against god. That is what I think is wrong, and that is what I think is different between his response and mine. And I don't apologize for it.
Its one thing for me, as a person, to say I hate religion. Its another thing for the leader of the most powerful religion in the world to say that everyone that doesn't believe like him is condemned to hell. So to answer your question, no I don't think my response is the same as his.
Like I've always said, its not god I have a problem with. Its his fan club.
I hate religion, I hate christianity, I am angry, and I am Pagan. I don't apologize for any of that.
I finally finished "The Time Traveler's Wife". I really liked it. I think Royce may read it now. It totally reminds me of my relationship with Royce. I love you Hon, hope you like the book as much as I did.
I'm going to start the Harry Potter series. I know, can't believe I haven't read any of them yet. Won't be able to get a book until next payday, so I don't know what I will do till then. Just work I guess. I want to read all the classics, I feel so "unread". Like there is so much I am missing. I'm going to read more. I go to Borders and just get lost.
Namaste
My 11th nightshift in a row. At least one more.
Livingsword, thank you for stopping by. I always like to hear from you.
I think my response about the pope is the same as his in the aspect that we both think each other is wrong. I think it is vastly different in the aspect that I am not condemning anyone, telling them because of my beliefs I am in god's favor, and because they believe differently that god does not acknowledge them. I would never tell someone that. I think he, and all catholics are wrong to think they are the only ones god approves of. And Jehovah's Witness, and Mormons, and anyone else. I think its incredibly arrogant to think you are the only ones that are valid in god's eyes. The very fact that you believe this and profess it goes against Christ's teachings, and therefore against god. That is what I think is wrong, and that is what I think is different between his response and mine. And I don't apologize for it.
Its one thing for me, as a person, to say I hate religion. Its another thing for the leader of the most powerful religion in the world to say that everyone that doesn't believe like him is condemned to hell. So to answer your question, no I don't think my response is the same as his.
Like I've always said, its not god I have a problem with. Its his fan club.
I hate religion, I hate christianity, I am angry, and I am Pagan. I don't apologize for any of that.
I finally finished "The Time Traveler's Wife". I really liked it. I think Royce may read it now. It totally reminds me of my relationship with Royce. I love you Hon, hope you like the book as much as I did.
I'm going to start the Harry Potter series. I know, can't believe I haven't read any of them yet. Won't be able to get a book until next payday, so I don't know what I will do till then. Just work I guess. I want to read all the classics, I feel so "unread". Like there is so much I am missing. I'm going to read more. I go to Borders and just get lost.
Namaste
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
If It Looks Like an Idiot, and Walks Like an Idiot..........
I never fail to be amused. Most of the time at other people's expense.
For example:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19692094/
“Christ ‘established here on earth’ only one church,” the document said. The other communities “cannot be called ‘churches’ ..."
"...and therefore did not have the “means of salvation.”
How fucking arrogant.
I hate religion.
I'm thinking Wicca probably fits into the category of not having "the means of salvation."
I smile and shake my head.
I don't miss it. AT ALL.
For example:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19692094/
“Christ ‘established here on earth’ only one church,” the document said. The other communities “cannot be called ‘churches’ ..."
"...and therefore did not have the “means of salvation.”
How fucking arrogant.
I hate religion.
I'm thinking Wicca probably fits into the category of not having "the means of salvation."
I smile and shake my head.
I don't miss it. AT ALL.
Hile Hitler !!!!
(all he needs is a swastica)
Dark Angel
Finishing my 8th night in a row at work. And working the next 4 - at least.
Been looking at videos of Criss Angel on YouTube. Amazing. I don't know how he does those things. I'm totally fascinated by it - especially the levitation. How does he do it? He even made his cat levitate. Fascinating. Especially at 3 am, when bored at work. He has a very seducing, mysterious charisma about him. He definatly has a personality that fits his job. I know he is considered an "illusionist", but he is so good, it actually makes you wonder a little bit - wishful thinking on my part - that that kind of magic is real. That he is actually a magician. Either way he is fun to watch. I like him way better than David Copperfield. He always kind of gave me the creeps - on a real primal level. Yuk.
Mood: Currently fascinated with http://www.youtube.com/
Cat levitating: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HAly_VkezHE
Criss levitating: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XwB27PsCluY&mode=related&search=
He has a Tommy Lee like something about him that I just love. Ahhh Tommy...........
I can't believe I have never see Criss Angel before. Where have I been?
Been looking at videos of Criss Angel on YouTube. Amazing. I don't know how he does those things. I'm totally fascinated by it - especially the levitation. How does he do it? He even made his cat levitate. Fascinating. Especially at 3 am, when bored at work. He has a very seducing, mysterious charisma about him. He definatly has a personality that fits his job. I know he is considered an "illusionist", but he is so good, it actually makes you wonder a little bit - wishful thinking on my part - that that kind of magic is real. That he is actually a magician. Either way he is fun to watch. I like him way better than David Copperfield. He always kind of gave me the creeps - on a real primal level. Yuk.
Mood: Currently fascinated with http://www.youtube.com/
Cat levitating: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HAly_VkezHE
Criss levitating: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XwB27PsCluY&mode=related&search=
He has a Tommy Lee like something about him that I just love. Ahhh Tommy...........
I can't believe I have never see Criss Angel before. Where have I been?
Sunday, July 08, 2007
Just finished my 5th night shift in a row. One more, tonight - for sure, and hopefully Monday and so on. Came home, took a sleeping pill, a big swig of NyQuil, and poured myself a big cup of mudslide. Yum. Gonna read a little before bed - still working on Time Traveler's Wife. I read SO sssssllllloooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwww. My doggie Teb's is going to sleep with me today. I love that.
Like the new stuff on here? Bored at work one night. I like it.
Getting drowsy. Must lay down.
I miss my kids. Love you guys.
Like the new stuff on here? Bored at work one night. I like it.
Getting drowsy. Must lay down.
I miss my kids. Love you guys.
Friday, July 06, 2007
So I've started eating better and less - again. And I've lost a few pounds. I was 171 again today. Didn't gain any back. Haven't started working out yet, but I promised Royce I would when I got home. I think I should keep a food diary - again. So here goes.
(I don't want any shit from anyone, YES there were a couple of days I didn't eat much. Deal with it.)
Mon 7/2
Tamale 350 total
Tue 7/3
Bean burrito 350 total
from Taco Bell
Wed 7/4
Rice Bowl 430
Brownies 250
chicken 200
watermelon 100
------------------------
980 total
Thur 7/5
Turkey sub 560
Soup 275
salad and vegies 150
-------------------------
985 total
I totally feel guilty every time I eat. If I feel full at all I feel undisciplined and fat. And logically I know I have to eat, and that I am eating something good for me, but that full feeling always makes me feel shitty. When I'm not paying attention to my weight, and eating whatever I want I don't feel that way. Its only when I'm trying to lose and eat good. And I get obsessive with the scale. Every time I eat something, even if its very little, I feel like I'm going to hate myself for it because it will show up on the scale, either I will weigh more or I won't lose any more. I totally feel like I'm going to weigh 175 because I ate today.
(I don't want any shit from anyone, YES there were a couple of days I didn't eat much. Deal with it.)
Mon 7/2
Tamale 350 total
Tue 7/3
Bean burrito 350 total
from Taco Bell
Wed 7/4
Rice Bowl 430
Brownies 250
chicken 200
watermelon 100
------------------------
980 total
Thur 7/5
Turkey sub 560
Soup 275
salad and vegies 150
-------------------------
985 total
I totally feel guilty every time I eat. If I feel full at all I feel undisciplined and fat. And logically I know I have to eat, and that I am eating something good for me, but that full feeling always makes me feel shitty. When I'm not paying attention to my weight, and eating whatever I want I don't feel that way. Its only when I'm trying to lose and eat good. And I get obsessive with the scale. Every time I eat something, even if its very little, I feel like I'm going to hate myself for it because it will show up on the scale, either I will weigh more or I won't lose any more. I totally feel like I'm going to weigh 175 because I ate today.
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
Today I was 171. I'm sure it might not stay that way, you know --- fluctuate. I hate fluctuating. I just can't wait until I am in the 160's. I will be so happy when I am 169. My calories have been really reduced. I going to try and work out when I get home in the morning. But I'm happy with 171 today. I want to catch up with Stacey. She is 157 right now. Wow. And Royce is doing so good too. He is 265 now. From 304. Wow again.
Happy Fourth of July everyone.
Happy Fourth of July everyone.
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
Rock On
It took me a couple of days longer, but today I was 174. 173 by Saturday.
Watched 2 hours of TV tonight - 2 episodes of Simpsons, South Park, and Family Guy. With the kids.
You know, the family that mocks together - Rocks together.
(I made that up just now. Cute eh?)
Watched 2 hours of TV tonight - 2 episodes of Simpsons, South Park, and Family Guy. With the kids.
You know, the family that mocks together - Rocks together.
(I made that up just now. Cute eh?)
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