Prince Valiant

I think I'm going to try no carbs again. I will be careful this time and not get sick.

Finishing my 7th night in a row. And still going for awhile.

I miss my kids.

I miss my husband.

I had a dream that my dad was in yesterday. I was at Tempe Church, for some reason. I was outside on the walk-way. Over and over people would come over and say mean things to me. Lots of people. Harold Clark for one. Specific people. Over and over, wherever I went. I was really upset and ran inside. Church was going on. Van Bledsoe was preaching. I walked/ran down the aisle, during his sermon, with the full intention of interupting him and telling him how mean people were being to me and that it wasn't right, I wasn't that bad. I was crying. But I lost my courage and stopped halfway to the pulpit, and sat down in a middle row. It was the way Tempe Church used to be with 3 rows of pews, and was in the middle one. No one seemed to notice that I had been running, or that I was upset. Or that I sat down. Its like I was invisible. They all just kept quietly listening to Van. They didn't even look at me. I thought at first he noticed, but if he did, he didn't show it. He just kept talking. I sat there for a few minutes. Then the things he was saying, along with how bad those other people made me feel made it unbearable to sit there any longer, and I got up and walked out. I went outside to the parking lot. My parents were just getting there. My mom was very angry and yelling at me when she found out what happened. I started crying again, it all seemed so unfair, and so unprovoked. I couldn't understand why the people were so mean, and now my mom was being hateful and yelling. I saw my dad by his car. And he looked the way he used to look. Not when he was sick. Probably like about 10 years ago. When he weighed more. He was in his church jacket and pants. He was standing outside the car. I came over to him in tears. He wanted to know what was wrong, with his very quiet and calm way. I was crying, and told him. I was very upset. He told me it was very wrong what those people did. It didn't matter that they were church members, he just called it like it was. He wanted to know "what was wrong with them? Why would they act like that? It wasn't right." I just stood there in the parking lot while he talked to me. My mom was off to the side somewhere fuming. It was very much like the disagreements we had had in our family in real life. My mom ranting and raving, and my dad very calmly but very definitively calling a spade a spade. He never liked to see me hurt by anyone, and always hated unfairness. Things were very black and white with him. And he was usually very calm, but very matter of fact. In the dream, I only felt better after he talked to me in the parking lot. It was the only thing that made me feel better. It was like I felt validated and "safe" because finally, out of everyone there, I had someone, and not just "someone" but a very good someone, that was on my side, that told me I was ok, that I wasn't bad, and that they were wrong. And that validated everything. His "good" that was now with me on my side, was equal or more than the evil of all of those other people combined. And the dream ended there. It was in color. He was wearing his blue suit - the one we buried him in; his best suit. It was very sunny outside. I remember the colors of the walls inside the church. And the plants outside. I don't remember what my mom was wearing. Or me. The dream was very similar to the day I went and took Tyler's graduation program there.

I'm at work. Triage is empty right now. I'm praying - actually praying, to whoever, that no patient comes to be seen, cause I'm crying.

Gotta stop.

I miss my dad. I guess he will always be my hero. My knight in shining armor. Even now - cold, and still, and dead, .............

..................and gone.