You obviously took the time to read my post. And apparently it pushed some buttons inside you and you felt the need to try to push buttons in return. Brilliant strategy. I don't have to validate anything. I have brought 4 other children, to your apparent dismay, into this toxic environment. Beautiful wonderful children who I hope will be a contribution to the world, who I love with all my heart. It is not the first time I have been called a horrible mother, and it won't be the last. I don't have to justify my home life to you. And its ok with me that a stranger feels this way.
I often am very naked here. It is my place. When I am angry, I am naked. As you read. And I will be now.
I definitely do not have all the answers - so I don't know what that feels like. Maybe if I did, I would see that Jesus is real. I wish I could see that. You have no idea. I miss it. It would be so much easier to just know. A part of me died when I lost god. A foundation, a security, a feeling of home. I can't even explain what I lost. Kinda like when my dad died last year.
I had my children in the school because I grew up there. And I believed - at that time. I wanted them in a safe, caring, christian environment. I thought this was best. I believed in god and that Jesus unselfishly gave his life for me. I didn't think it was a fake god then. I would have given my life for that belief. I believed. I wanted this for my children. But what I got was false advertising. They were neither safe nor cared for. I know my Bible very well - (its the only category I can get to the bottom of in Jeopardy). This is not how Jesus was. My children were hurt there. This I am angry about. I am sorry. I am angry.
The Sermon on the Mount. Jesus' words. Matthew 5. They are beautiful. The world would be a better place if everyone followed them.
Sarcasm is one of my favorite things in life - so easily detected by me. Bravo, you were eloquent enough for it to surpass the written word over the internet. Apparently my reactions and opinions about things in my personal life make you feel like you have to defend your belief and your god. That your god has been attacked by me. Obviously you are very close to Jesus, his character and love can be felt in your words also. Can you detect the sarcasm?
If you feel strongly enough about something to voice your thoughts, and to base a belief system around it, feel strongly enough to defend those beliefs - why are you not willing to put you name after it? What a coward. Its easy to say what you believe, if you can stay hidden. Have the balls to put your name behind your words. I do. I don't know you either. I'm sure you are from Sharon's blog, or Gabrielle Eden's, or King David's. It doesn't matter. Just makes you a coward. You have to live with that fact. Maybe you should visit Sharon's blog. She is much more of a Christian than you. You could learn something from her . In fact, she is one of the ONLY ones I have ever met. Karl has a very good wife. At one point, I was anonymous. So I know how much of a coward it takes to be anonymous. If I had something to say, I should have just said it, and stood behind it. Coward. It doesn't feel very good does it?
And you are right. You don't know me. In my miserable way that I have chosen to live life, in my toxic environment, my "beautiful example" is not only what happened with Tyler and how I reacted. My miserable, toxic choice of a life also includes taking care of the poor and indigent population - and with dignity, taking care of prisoners, taking care of illegals, easing the physical pain of my patients, helping to bring life into the world, constantly putting my job at stake by speaking up for the rights of the people I am taking care of, helping get someone through the horror of delivering a dead baby, giving specialized care to make sure the other compromised babies get here healthy, working my ass off in overtime to provide for my family, becoming a nurse partly so I could take care of my father as he died - making sure it was as easy as possible, helping domestic violence victims get safe, paying out of my pocket one time for a tubal ligation of a mother of eight that couldn't be done because she didn't have insurance - and I never told the pt, holding and feeding and calming drug babies, and spending my night caring for the babies that are left at the hospital not wanted, taking food to the homeless people who live around me - I don't live in a great part of Phoenix, driving my ass down to Katrina at my expense and volunteering my time and license to care for the hurricane victims that our racist government turned its back on because I couldn't watch my television set any longer, care for any stray (animal or teenage human) that comes to my doorstep, taking care of and loving my own first 4 children whose fathers abandoned them, bringing a good man into my life to help me raise children that aren't his own (who by the way is an atheist). A lot of Sermon on the Mount kinda things here. Who woulda thought?
These are the "Beautiful examples", as you put it, that mommy is giving her children.
BTW - the word is invoke, not envoke - which does not exist in the English language ( you went to Adventist college didn't you?) which means:
1. to call for with earnest desire; make supplication or pray for: to invoke God's mercy.
2. to call on (a deity, Muse, etc.), as in prayer or supplication.
This is the way I am making the situation right. This is how I am invoking Matthew 5. By the way I live my life. That is my only defense. What's yours?
How can they think Tyler isn't spiritual when he is raised in such a toxic, spiritually void home environment? I guess our definitions of Spiritual are very different. And I am SO ok with that.
I'm a good mom, and a good nurse. And I'm the only one that has to know that, and the only one that has to be ok with it. The decisions I have made, and how I live my life allow me to sleep at night.
But enough about me.
You go ahead and pray for me. You aren't the first. You won't be the last. You pray to your god, and I'll pray to mine. Who knows, maybe we are really praying to the same one.
Once again, its not Jesus I have a problem with - its his fan club.
PS. And if "toxic" is the word you use to describe my home life and my lifestyle that I have written about here publicly, I would hate to see the word you use for the freakish stuff I don't make public. Scary.
4 Comments:
Can we all stand up and get a big "HELL YEAH.". Dude/dudette you are responding to in this post needs to shut the fuck up. Bet you 100 bucks and I'll forfeit that "erotic pool game" that they weren't down in Baton Rouge helping triage the poor people with their skin falling off. Some christian. Hell "Jesus" never hid behind anonimity.........
Dont worry Barb, some people have nothing better to do with thier lives. Maybe you should ask them to come over and give you bible studies.... see if they show themselves and how willing they are to throw their spirituality around. Everyone is different and has different views on what is real and true to them. People who choose to only see one side of life are losing out many opportunities, including friendship and the opportunity to be a good witness (if that is their intention). Unfortunately it is impossible to have everyone be tolerant and undiscriminatory. Oh well, such is life....!! Enjoy your weekend! ~steph~
stupid people rarely do the rest of us a favor and keep their mouths, like their minds, shut. ahh, here's to evolution - where mother nature gets rid of things through the process of natural selection and truly the fittest survive, not the dumbest. and too bad we can't help her out some times. regardless, I say "fuck 'em" sheeple won't ever get it. don't waste any more of your time than necessary to hit the delete button, roll up the window or speed away. your life and time is worth much, much more. and they will find someone new to "save." religion is the panacea of the masses, and the masses are usually morons - nic
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