The Road to Hell is Paved with.............

Well, today didn't go exactly as planned. I didn't do my strength workout, cause I am sick. I didn't suck it up, I stayed in bed. So I am going to do it tomorrow. No harm, right? I'm feeling very good about this fitness program, a little discouraged that my weight went up, but I am going to be patient this time. I don't know if I am getting sick, or my body is just rebelling against exercise and good food, but I felt like shit today. I am a little sore, my legs that is. My diet is going well. I am not feeling hungry, and I am not cheating. I will have a cheat day on Friday when we have our date. I think we may go to eat at Casey Moores. Also, and this is a big one for me, I have not had any alcohol these last two days. There are at least 7 bottles of wine at home and I haven't touched them. I'm probably in some sort of withdrawal at this point. Sometimes I think maybe I need just a little. 72 hours of no alcohol is when bad things start happening, I know this as a nurse. So maybe tomorrow I will have a glass of wine at bedtime. I found a line of dressing that have no calories, no fat, no nothing in them, and they taste good. I made a veggie stir-fry with broccoli, spinach, cauliflower and peppers with the asian sauce. And it actually turned out really good. And according to Royce, none of those veggies count, so I can have as much of that stir fry as I want. People at work tonight wanted to know what it was, said is smelled really good. Thought I got it at a restaurant. So that makes me feel good. And it was good. We went to Sprouts today. I could shop there for my groceries forever and never have to go anywhere else. I love that place. Now that my co-op is gone (out of business) I think I will be there alot.

There is this part of me that doesn't believe that I can get in shape, that I can look like that. I feel like I am too old, had too many babies, and don't have the ability to ever look that good. I used to look good, but that was a long time ago. I want to be stripper hot. And inside I just don't feel this can ever happen. But then I see Tracy, and Marisa Tomei, and Demi Moore. They are all older than me. I have to ignore these feelings I have.

I was asked on my last post what inspires me. I started thinking about this. I guess I am inspired. I'm more disgusted. And something happened between me and Royce recently. I can't go into details. But every time I think about it I make a commitment to do this. To me, the way I was, physically, in the situation, is so unacceptable to me. And the other person involved is so---------perfect. I don't ever want the scales to be that uneven again. I at least want some ammunition. Right now my ammunition is covered by layers of fat. Maybe it seems really shallow, but this particular scene that happened to us is really motivating me. I know Royce, the ends are justifying the means (for the second time it is causing a positive action for you isn't it?). I have alot of issues, always have, and this thing just basically ignited all of them. There were parts of the situation that were extremely satisfying to me, on a female/psyche level. But my appearance wasn't one of them. This I want to change.

I have never seen Karma this good. It was beautiful. For awhile.

Maybe something good will come out of it after all Honey. Seems like the good is at least balancing the bad.

Food today:
Turkey sandwich...........................450
Strawberries,4...............................25
Split pea soup...............................200
Yogurt........................................110
Veggie Stir Fry.................................0
Its a "long" day for me, a 24 hour one. I am at work, and will keep adding to this.
Organic Turkey/Rice meal................450
Cottage Cheese,1 cup.....................180
Yogurt, Strawberry........................140
Strawberries, 8..............................50
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Total Calories 1605

I have decided to do 1500 calories for my regular days, calories and a half ( 1500 X 1.5 = 2250) for my "long" days, and 1/2 the calories (half of 1500 = 750) for my "short" days. This way it all equals itself out over a 24 or 48 hour period. Today was a long day, and my calories at 1605 are way under the limit. So I did good today. I hope I can be down 3 pounds at 176 by Friday. I hope, I hope. I know I'm going to be really discouraged if I'm not.

Had a cup of coffee at about 4:30 am cause I was nodding off:
Creamer........................75 calories
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New Total 1680
Not bad