Fat and Skinny

I've just spent the last hour reading a blog. Its Stacey's blog http://iammelting.blogspot.com/ .

I was just totally captivated by it, and totally lost track of time. Brought back to reality when the little kids woke up. I hope I can get to know her better. I love her photo journal. I can relate to so much.

I get in these mental foxholes, where I ignore reality. I often say I am reverse annorexic. I think I'm hot, then I actually see a picture of myself, or my reflection in the mirror. After reading her blog, I was kind of forced out of my foxhole. I always say I am ready to do it, but then lose motivation. Or get overwhelmed with life. Or whatever. Tracey's blog was very inspiring too http://www.tracyrif.blogspot.com/ . Tracy has worked very hard. And she just seems "perfect" to me right now. Maybe that is why I have avoided her blog for a little while. Like when you actually get yourself motivated enough to get to the gym, walk into the bathroom feeling all healthy, ready to work out, and little miss perfect in spandex who is a size 3 checks herself out in the full length mirror next to your fat self. Tracy has been nothing but kind and supportive. I won't avoid it anymore. Every morning I say I am going to exercise. Then it never happens. Royce bought me that kettlebell and I haven't used it once. What the hell?

I want to get a digital camera. I want to get one soon. I know we really don't have the money right now, but I might try to make it happen soon.

While thinking about cleaning up the kitchen this morning, I discovered that my wine cube (yes, wine in a box) that I threw away wasn't completely emptly. About a glass left. Jackpot. Enjoying it right now.

The other night I did my first spell. I cast my first circle. I did it after the kids had all gone to bed and Royce was out at the internet cafe doing homework. It was a wonderful little spell. It went really well. And it felt really good. It was a spell to bind you close to your children. Its so funny, because this is the exact spell that Heather wants to do the night of the party, without knowing it was the spell I picked as my first spell. Energy. The party is coming up soon. I can't wait.

Yesterday I cleaned, scraped paint off of, and washed the front windows. I have been procrastinating doing this for awhile, but it was on my to-do list and I finally did it. And I must say, they look great. Finally looks like someone lives here. Today I am going to do the finishing touches of the paint on the walls in the living room (the corners and top borders). I have two colors out there. Two walls are "Cookie Crumb", a warm beige. The other two walls are a burnt burgundy kind of color. Very earth-toney. I love it. It feels so good to finally get my house done. It was such a left-behind, broken, lifeless, dirty, neglected thing. Not livable. Now it is finally getting fixed. Livable. Thriving. Colorful. Vibrant. Full. With the new couches and paint, and table and chairs, it really is starting to look good. I hung the big gold fancy mirror back up. And got some lights for the chandelier. And fixed the recessed lights in the living room. We finally are spending some time out there. I am in the process of painting the floor black. Until we can afford some carpet. I will work on that today some.

I haven't weighed myself in weeks. Avoiding the scale. Everyone at work keeps telling me I am shrinking, that I am losing weight. I didn't really think so, but its nice that they think so. So this morning I weighed in. I am 178.4 pounds. I guess thats good. I was 190. This week is my good week, the week after my period. Where I am energetic, happy, sensual, sexual, creative. Gonna go exercise.

Is it possible to do a gastric bypass without the surgery? I mean do everything that they do, except the surgery. I have often wondered this. Technically, all you are doing is changing the size of the stomach. If I do exactly what they do, the same caloric intake, the same foods, the same after surgery stuff, won't I have the same results? And then with exercise on top of it, wouldn't I lose the same amount of weight?