Hate

We had a beautiful full moon last night (well, I guess everyone did now didn't they, how silly). I knew it was going to be full, but when I saw it, it was breathtaking. At first it was peaking out from behind some clouds, which was really pretty. Then after that the sky was crystal. So cool.

Nikki, I definitely think there are some idiot christians out there. We all know them. But I think there are idiots in every kind of group of people. I don't hate them because of the idiots. You mentioned that not all christians are like that, that its sad that a few of them are giving the rest of them a bad name. I have to kinda disagree with that. I find that the majority of them have bossy, condescending, judgemental, pushy, morally arrogant tendencies. This is why I hate them. Not because of the few. That would make me a really stupid person. Disliking them based on the actions of a few is no better than being a racist. People are not defined by the color of their skin. But by the content of their heart. Therefore people are defined by their belief system. That is the content of their heart. This is why I hate them.

If you believe in the Hindu gods and goddesses, you should follow their beliefs. If you believe in Allah you should follow the Koran. If you are Buddhist, you should be peaceful and follow Buddha. I find that for the most part, the members of these religions have no difficulty following the example of the one/ones they worship.

If you are a christian, you should be nice.

And if you live in this country, you should respect the fact that not everyone believes the way you do. That those around you have a different religion, or NO religion. Respect it, shut up, or get out. Its that easy. Hundreds of thousands of lives have been paid for me to have the RIGHT to be an athiest, an agnostic, a wiccan, a buddhist, a muslim, a christian, or to make up my own religion. At least respect the lives that were lost. Freedom has a high price. They died so I don't have to be a christian. Did any one ever think about that?

Even my friends, when I talk about how I really believe, how I really feel, most of them kind of look at me, with that look like, "come on Barb, you know you are just upset, you really believe in god, how could you not?" Like they have a hard time accepting I feel this way, because they like me, and are kind of in denial that I feel that way. I don't do that to them. I don't look at them, with pity, and give them that, " I think its really pathetic that you believe in something so false, that your belief system is so fucked up, you can't possibly really feel that way, but I guess I'll overlook it cause I like you." I like my friends, and love my sisters, no matter what they believe. IN SPITE of the fact that some of them are christian.

Yesterday, someone said to me, jokingly, "I guess its my job to reconvert you." I said I will never go back to a church. They said, not joking this time, "Yeah but you could just go to a different church, a different congregation, away from the stuff that happened. You need to let your kids decide for themselves too." I kind of looked at them. I said, "But I don't believe any of that stuff any more. Why would I go to ANY place if I don't believe what they believe? And if I think its something bad for my kids, I'm not going to take them there. "

People tell me I should come back because you can't judge the whole church on the actions of a few. You don't have to believe everything, and you can't look at people, they are fallible. What people don't get is that, over this 2 or 3 year change in me, that is what has changed - what I believe. The reason I don't go to church is not because I am mad at someone. I don't believe ANY of it. Why would I go? If that is the case, why don't some of the Adventists start going to a Catholic church. I know they don't really believe the same thing, but you can't judge the whole church by some of the people, you can go and believe what is in your own heart. This is what they are asking me to do.

A few weeks ago, I accidentally ended up at one of the church members houses who was having a birthday party for a child. There were probably 5 or 6 different church families there. No one expected to see me, I only went with Loida to pick up her kids. When I walked in you would think they had seen a ghost. Its interesting. Two of the men, who have known me forever, and know about everything that happened with Tyler, and were at church when I revoked my membership, talked to me. Kind of out of uncomfortableness, but none the less were pleasant. They ask me how I am, how my mom is, after my dad's death. I say I don't know. I don't talk to her. Even more uncomfortable now. They proceed to tell me how horrible it was, what happened to Tyler. How they think Claus was a horrible teacher. How if they would have known how bad he was he would have been gone a long time ago. And then he asks me if I'm ever going to send the kids back to the school. I'm like.............uh, no. No, no, no. Then they start talking all this christian mumbo jumbo, like always, and I am completely reminded of why I left. This house is SO christian in fact that the contemporary christian music station is left on the tv for the party. I wanted to puke. But I didn't. I was good. I just wanted to leave. But Loida's kids weren't ready, and I am bigger than that. Its funny. The men, the stewards and office holders of the church (which both of these guys were, treasurer and school board member) politely sit down and talk to the stray sheep, the black sheep, the offended, the lost. They sympathize with me about the teacher, they start talking about god, and they even start in with the praise of our wonderful president, Mr. Bush (at this point, I REALLY need to go.) But you know, the wives of these guys, who I have also known forever, were just cold bitches. Now that she's out of the "club" we can't talk to her anymore. And they were so fakey nice when I went there. Makes you wonder what they heard about me. I think they just know that I am way FREAKIER than them. This intrigues the husbands. It always does. My frigid days make me look like Jenna Jameson compared to them on a good day. The men get it, thats why they talk to me. The women get it, thats why they don't. What fuckin losers.

And just for the record, no one ever to this day apologized to Tyler. Or asked him to come back. Not once.

Shelli, you may hate the word "hate". But its the best descriptive word I have. And I have a right to use it. And there is a difference between hating for something like color, or gender, or age, and hating because of being wronged and because of behavior.

Why I hate christians, reason # 267:
My friend Loida had to have emergency surgery last week. She is doing well, but none the less had surgery. The day of or after her surgery, one day post op, her kids go to school. It is the 100th day of school, and you are supposed to bring 100 of something. Candy, stickers, pennies, whatever - to celebrate. In the midst of mommy having surgery, being cut open, and mommy not being home because she is in the hospital, their little worlds turned upside down, and being in a Spanish speaking home and Grandma not speaking english and being unaware of the stupid 100 day ritual at school, and maybe not even having the money to buy or send 100 of everything with 3 kids - Grandma sends the kids off the school without a hundred of anything. Not knowing it isn't a "regular" day of school. So in the hospital that night, Loida talks to her kids on the phone. The little one, 4 years old, kindergartener, who is just starting school and desperately wanting to fit in, is very sad on the phone because she didn't get any ice cream because she didn't bring 100 of anything. So you are telling me that the kindergarten teacher singled out this 4 year old child whose mom is one day post op in the hospital, singled her out, and made her sit and watch all the other kids eat ice cream. What the FUCK are these people thinking?
Number 1: Loida shouldn't have to deal with this while she is in the hospital. She shouldn't have a sad child to comfort while she is high on morphine and hurting herself.
Number 2 : If it would have been a child from a family that is better off financially or in higher standing - if it would have been any member of the Clark of Eddlemon or Zirkle family, that child would have had 2 bowls of ice cream.
Number 3: The school shouldn't be withholding ice cream, they should be bringing food to Loida's house for the week.
Number 4: She is FOUR YEARS OLD. That is enough right there.

Number 5: WHAT THE FUCK ??????????????????

Thats the bullshit I don't have to deal with anymore.

Claus is the other person (my neighbor the other) that I just can't be zen with. Don't know if I will ever get there with him.

What he did to the inside of me and Tyler won't ever be better.