The two little ones are in the room watching Disney. Norah Jones is on the radio. The day is starting out very right. But I am very stressed today. It seems to be a regular mood for me lately. Uncorked the bottle of 7 Deadly Zins that we opened last night and am sipping on it - yes already. Every room in the house needs cleaned. I've decided to start with the kitchen and work my way to the bedrooms. The fire pit is still smoking from last night. It rained all day yesterday and seems like it might today too.
I'm not used to staying home so much. I think thats part of it. Being housewife mommy. I love it. But not used to it. I have 5 more weeks to enjoy it.
I bought the gazebo for the backyard. And we put it up yesterday. I kind of bought it for the party, but we have been wanting one for a long time. So I just bought it. It is so cool. The kids love it. Played in it all day. This is what it looks like:
It will be so nice to sit out there that night with my friends. I'm having fun planning the party. For those of you that are coming, it will be a really fun night. I just hope Heather M. (not you Heather W), doesn't go into labor before then.
I'm not at a good place right now. I quit taking all my herbs. Not sure why. But it is reeking havoc with me. I am going to start taking them today.
My last night at work, Saturday night, sucked. Maybe that has something to do with it. I get to work, look at the board to find my assignment and see that its a fetal demise, full term, and ready to deliver. Nice. My favorite. I hate demises. They just do something to me. And full term is the worst. I always see my own babies. And its hard to look the mom in the eye. Its hard to hear her cry. And there is nothing worse than laboring for days just to deliver a dead baby, except the delivery itself. The actual graphic details that most people find so disgusting about a regular birth, is a 1000 times worse with a baby thats dead. The longer its been dead the worse it is. This one hadn't been dead very long. It didn't look so bad. And after looking at it, there was no apparent reason why it died. No cord around the neck, nothing wrong with the placenta. Just a perfect lifeless baby. That had moved 2 days ago. So we have to clean it up, get its little foot prints, dress it, and take pictures and make a memory book for mommy. Its all she will ever have of this baby. I always get them a beanie baby from NICU to take picures with, and that she can take home. Something to keep that had been next to her baby. The pictures turned out really good. like it was sleeping. I held his little hands, and stroked his little face and told him how very sorry I was. I know he can't hear me, but the longer I do this, the more I find it necessary to pause a minute, not be so clinical, and just appreciate the little life that it could have been. Mom asked for the baby to be taken away, to the morgue after a while, cause it started looking bad. But they wanted it brought back the next day for their 6 year old to see. They wanted to know if this was ok. I was at a loss, who am I to say. I said it was totally up to them. Yes, we would bring him back. All during labor and afterward I had to make sure the door was closed, and the door to the patients room next door was closed, because the patient next door delivered a perfect loud screaming baby. And the delivery wasn't quiet either. Demises still make me cry. They probably always will. The only thing that makes me able to do it is I figure the mom really needs help at this point. I would want help.
He looked like my babies.
Sometimes I think I'm in the wrong profession. But then I think maybe its the exact profession should be in. Its very sad, but it feels good to help someone. And I am very good at my job. I am lucky in another way too. Not very often is the normal person faced with such horrible things, most people don't have to see the evil that is out there, and seeing it helps you to put things in perspective. It accurately minimizes my problems, and leaves me unable to do anything other than appreciate everything that I have. I am so blessed.
I need to remind myself of this daily. To not sweat the small stuff. To love and be loved, and not worry about the stupid stuff. Like housework.
I get to hug my babies today. Its a good day.
This story is amazing.http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17237979/
24 weeks ( about 5 1/2 months ) is considered viable, and this baby was born at 21 and 6 weeks. Amazing.
1 Comments:
I have gazebo envy!!!!
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