In 8 days Royce starts nursing school (He will do his prereqs, and then probably start the actual RN program in October). We are both really excited, and scared, and more excited. I am very proud of him and have all the confidence in the world in him. I know he will make a great nurse. Love you Baby. Someday we will save the world side by side.
My intention in my last post was not to offend anyone. Or hurt anyone. My intention was to bitch and vent. Which I did. Deb, you got me thinking. If I hate christians, then you must be on my list. Who else is on my hate list? It made me think. People that I care for very much. Even if I don't see them or talk to them anymore. People I will always love. Mr. Leukert, Mr.Kravig, Larry and Phil and everyone else from my Baptist church (the most wonderful people in the world), Denis, Jerry, my christian friends at work, Loida, Robin, Cathy. Mr. Brubaker was a christian. My dad was a christian. Lots of people. People that I love, not hate. So maybe I'm wrong to say I hate christians. Maybe its just christianity I hate. And yes, Nikki, your mom. She is wonderful. I don't hate her. I don't hate any of them.
So I will rephrase. I hate christianity. Hate takes too much energy. But I still feel it sometimes. And sometimes toward certain people. I just won't lump them all together from now on. Deb, you made me think.
Mr. Leukert has been on my mind alot lately. Thinking about him alot. Not sure why. I don't know if he will ever want to talk to me again, after what happened with Karl. Don't know if he ever thinks about me. Sometimes wonder if he even ever liked me. I'm sure I looked at him very differently than he looked at me. I'm sure I was this annoying, emotional, drama queen. I trusted him completely. I miss him. He always meant so much to me.
Maria, I'm not as energetic as you may think. I actually had to take a few days off for various reasons. But I am back at work now. I think we are alot alike. I think I'm angrier sometimes.
I just had to be with the doctor when he told my little 15 year old girl that her baby is dead. No heartbeat. That now we have to induce her and make her deliver this dead baby. There is a different kind of wailing, a different sound to the sobs, when a child is dead. It is haunting.
We also just found out that a nurse we used to work with here was killed on Friday by an illegal mexican with no license, running from the cops, who ran a red light. Life is short. She wasn't someone I was fond of. I never had alot of good to say about her - she always came in late, even when she was in charge, not alot of regard for anyone else at work, she always stayed late and milked the overtime. And she was let go because she was caught stealing demerol. But now I feel bad about ever saying anything bad. Why is that? Her death doesn't make any of those things untrue? I really am sorry she is dead. She had two children. Life is short. What will people say about me?
Crazy Neighbor tried to exorcize me again yesterday. I was working out in the front yard, she was in her yard. She started to chant, "Jesus Christ is Lord!!! God, our heavenly father....In the name jesus, in the holy name of jesus!!!!!" on and on and on. I looked at her, and told her that the next time her cats shit in my yard I'm dumping it in her yard. She continued to summon god. I looked at her again and said "If your cats don't stop shitting in my yard I'm calling animal control." She continues. So I rake it all up and fling it in front of her house with the rake in a pretty little pile. I proceed to get the baking soda and pour it all over the area the cat's have deemed their favorite, hoping it will neutralize the smell, and maybe discourage them from going there. As I'm doing this I look at her. She starts in again, " Someday you will have to answer to Jesus Christ for all of the bad things you have done to me. You will have to answer to Jesus someday. Oh holy Jesus, in the name of our holy saviour Jesus.............." and on and on and on. So I decide its time to tidy up my little pentagram that I have etched into the soil next to her fence. Its decorated with little polished stones. It needed a little TLC. And I accidentally had to hit my pentagram windchime that is pointing at her house, and make the little bells sing. Its a beautiful thing. And when she saw me line the side of my house with salt (which is for protection) I think she truly believes I worship satan. Do you remember the nosey little neighbor on "Bewitched"? Make her 45+, 300 pounds, with nasty blond balding hair. I think her name was Mrs. Crabapple, right? Yeah..............................
Is it ok to say I hate crazy-freak-bible-beater-psychotic-hygienically challenged-dilutional-arrogant-borderline personality, did I mention arrogant and loud, Jesus freaks? Hate her.
I'm drained. Alot of death around me.
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Just in case it wasn't something you knew: you did not offend me. I'm not a Christian. Actually, I am an in-progress Pagan with Agnostic tendencies. I just tend to try to see better things in people than there are. I know it's because I've been immersed in that whole thing since I was literally born. And because I know some good people. But I have seen, just like you, first hand people that are Christians who spew hatred and vileness. Especially when my mom got sick and my dad left. You know what that was like. "we're praying for you" meant "can you tell us what it's like to live with someone who's crazy?" I now smile at that memory because I believe that that whole lifestyle is sheeple, is a mental illness of it's own. Refusing to allow any ideas that don't fit into their tiny boxes. I want to believe that people are like Gaia, she gives out so much beauty and fragility and love. But she also gives much power and it can be violent. I can understand that sometimes, when people try to attack my mom or my brother I can turn into the biggest and most consistent forces for vengeance. You know that we share that. Your neighbor reminds me of the woman on Wife Swap, on Fox, that proclaimed herself "God Warrior". You HAVE to see that episode. It sounds exactly like what you're going through. She was sent to a pagan/wiccan home and the mom from that home was so nice and peaceful and loving, and this rotund vile person was the Christian. It was classic. And sad for the tiny minority who still want to stand for good.
But, again, you didn't offend me, I hope that wasn't written for me. You're always ok to say whatever you want. You deserve the outlet. I don't live in any of that anymore. I may work in a place that's owned by them, but I don't have to deal with what you do. And my neighbors can't see my altar or stars and I doubt they'd care.
I am sending that little tiny package this week. Very broke now, but I want you to have it. It's not anything big. But it's to remind you that I love you. You'll understand when you see it.
Peace. And remember, the rule of 3s.
Nic
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