" 'The night Max wore his wolf suit and made mischief of one kind
and another
his mother called him "WILD THING!"
and Max said "I'LL EAT YOU UP!"
so he was sent to bed without eating anything.

That very night in Max's room a forest grew................... ' "



ACLS went ok. Actually think I learned something. But come on, seriously, if there is a code in labor and delivery--------- LABOR AND DELIVERY I said -------- you know there will be like 400 million people in the room to properly bring someone back from the great beyond. Please.

But sure, its good I learn how to code someone. Why not. Heaven help us all if I'm running the code. I can see the grim reaper smiling now.

Saw Heather on my way out of class. We're going to try and go to the Pink Floyd laser light show together. I do so hope this happens. Its on the 14th. Also Def Leopard and Journey are coming. In August. We're totally going to 80's it out. I can see the blue mascara flowing now. We'll have to go to Hot Topic. I have all summer to prepare for the concert.

Bought some books. On crystals, herbal remedies, and meditation. Started reading the herbs one. Very intersting stuff. Did you know that marigolds and comfrey have such healing powers? I will keep reading.

Shi Shi's birthday was so much fun. We went to Home Town Buffet. If you haven't been there its a buffet where you are encouraged to gorge yourself on lots and lots of food to make sure you get your money's worth for the $7.00 you paid to get in. A fun place to take the kids. It was weird. I kept thinking about that picture. The child. The vulture. I made sure my kids cleaned their plates and didn't waste any food. I had a sense of guilt. We waste so much in this country. There are so many hungry people out there. We had a good time. Went to the Zoo after that. I never thought Cheyenne would have had that much fun. She had so much fun. Ran and ran and ran. Came home. Opened presents. Ate cake. It was a perfect day.

One of those Better Days.

On the way home from class we stopped at Bombshells to get a drink. It was a Monday afternoon. If you have never been to a strip club, that basically means the hot girls have the day off. But it was nice. Actually make me feel a little better about me. Its nice cause if you go before 5 any night there is no cover (no pun intended). There is no brighter light than the light outside the exit door of a strip club. Oh MY God I feel like a vampire every time I leave a club during sunshine hours - NATURAL LIGHT , GET IT OFF ME !!! I would love to be so ok with what I looked like that I could be like those girls. I envy them. Oh to be 18 again. I would do things differently. To have that kind of confidence. To be that sexy and that wonderful. To be able to take everything off, in front of the whole world, knowing you look that good, and have every guy in the room want you. And to get paid for it.

It may seem weird that I respect those girls, but I do. To be that free and that confident and that beautiful. Just to be able to walk in those 9 inch heels. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......................

I went jogging tonight. Got farther this time. I think I'm about up to 3/4 of a mile. Will do my mile next time. I booked today too. No slow jogging today. It felt so good. I didn't even take an effedra and it totally felt like I did. Endorphins are great things. I find myself wanting to run, not for what it will help me look like, but for the sheer pleasure of running and the feeling I have afterward. Could this be the first step to enlightenment? Hmmmmmmmmmm.......................

If only I could feel this good every week. How good would my life be. I love this week. Its all good. And euphoric. I'm so sensual today. Not just about sex. Everything. Food tastes better. Running feels better. People are better looking. The flowers smell better. There is just a rush. Do some people have this all the time?

The exercise thing is getting addictive.

Maybe I will be where you are someday Trailady.

Things are balancing out. The dark is always there. Always under the surface. And my sensual, spiritual, beautiful side is there too. The yin and the yang. They are living in harmony today.

So many bad things are there. Always. But if you look ----- so many good things are there too. Simple, beautiful things. And they are what make the evil tolerable. Livable.

Living on the edge. Not such a bad address.

Help me
I broke apart my insides
Help me
I’ve got no soul to sell
Help me
The only thing that works for me
Help me get away from myself

You can have my isolation
You can have the hate that it brings
You can have my absence of faith
You can have my everything

My whole existence is flawed

Ah yes, my absence of faith. That pesky little thing.

This will always be my song to you Royce. This song always brings out the sex in me, the dark in me. My reality. You will always be the one I am singing it to. Thank you.

Darkness is still there.
But I can see light.
The two must coexist.
Maybe this is what I was never getting before.
Don't think they were going to teach me that at Thunderbird.

Karl, I'm sorry things have turned out this way. You will always be in my heart. Regardless and Despite.

All of you out there, do me a favor. Click on this. Its Johnny Cash. Singing Nine Inch Nail's "Hurt". The words are phenomenal. The song is incredible on its own. But he just puts such a different color to it. It is haunting. To see his wife, now dead. All the old haunting memories of his life. The words are so powerful.

Watch the video. It is incredible. Haunting.
Watch it for me.
http://www.videocodezone.com/videos/j/johnny_cash/hurt.html

What have I become, my sweetest friend?
Tried to kill it all away,
But I remember everything.


I hurt myself today...



To see if i still feel.