Nikki, I'm thinking about you. Its really more than thinking. I'm praying for you - I know its weird to hear me say that, but I do still pray. Not sure who I'm praying to, but I know there is a Power out there. I feel it, I sense it, and I believe in it. So I pray to it. I am more than thinking about you. Its more like a mental embrace. I hope you can feel me. I know you are tired. I would be really sad if you were not here though. I need you. And I'm so sorry I wasn't online last night. I would love to have talked. I was curled up in bed watching Tomb Raider. I'm really glad Jonathon came to help you. I'm sorry you are so lost right now. I wish I could hug you, feel you, touch you, cry with you. I wish we could go out. Get respectably drunk and be crazy. You are not alone. I hope you can feel that.
As for the job, if it is causing you so much hell, maybe you should change jobs. I know people get stuck in jobs, think they can't leave for various reasons, but it still is just a job. And there are a million more out there. Don't feel like there are no options. And money is relative. I know its important, but its not most important. Take a break. Do something else.
Its not worth your sanity and happiness.
Heather, I'm totally going to learn about crystals. I left Tyler stay at home today. He hasn't been feeling well or getting enough sleep. One of my co-workers at work, Michelle (I don't think you know her, station 22) lost her daughter on Sunday. Last week was her 13th birthday, they were driving home from California, had a horrible car accident, Kayla was hurt very bad, and she died on Sunday morning. All so fast. I kind of just want to spend some time with Tyler today because of that. Life can be so fragile. And death so fast. And so I think I will take him to that bookstore with me. I'm going to learn about crystals and take your advice and buy some. And you know what? I don't have one houseplant. I'm going to get some of those too. I usually end up killing them. I will take better care of them this time. Crystals and plants - this paycheck. This Friday.
And Heather, you are right about anger. I need to let go. I need to surround myself inside and outside with peace. I'm so glad that you come here and read my blog. Your comments mean alot. You need to get a blog soon.
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Nikki, I have a spell for you. Its from my spell book. It is a spell for New Beginnings. Do this and you will feel better:
Drink a cup of hot honeyed cinnamon tea that you stirred counterclockwise with a cinnamon stick.
Sprinkle the powdered version of this charismatic spice on the threshold of your front door and along your entry path.
When the cinnamon powder is crushed underfoot, its regenerative powers will help you start a fresh chapter in your life.
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I'm going to send you something too. A little box. With general feeling-good stuff, and all the ingredients and instructions for a specific spell. Another one for new beginnings. Its a little more complicated than the last one. Give me about a week, I will send it. (Email me your address to make sure I have the right one.)
Try my spell. Tell me if it works.
You all should see my kitchen table. I've made it my little place. Its in the corner of the kitchen by the window where I can see my garden from. I have an altar - a wooden chest of little drawers that Susie gave me a long time ago. I have my candles, matches, incense, tea, and my tarot cards in it. On top I have my candle holders, incense holder, my little glass containers that I will put all my essential oils in when I get them, my vials will go there too, and I also have all my books up there - my chinese books, the Kama Sutra, a healing massage book, my yoga meditation book, my spell books and my Tori Amos book from Nikki. I struggle to make time for all of these things, but it is a start. On the table I also have my parakeets, cat food that I feed Teresa's cats with ( hate her but love her cats and feel really sorry for them), and an old tv that doesn't work that I have pictures taped on to. I'm going to replace that with a fish tank. I love fish. Always have. Its just a little 10 gallon tank, but it will be nice there. I have made it my little space for life, spells, sensuality, and everthing that goes with it. It is my little spiritual space. I can see my garden from there, and it is right next to the oven and I can do my cooking right there. Its all very therapeutic. I love it.
Going to light some candles.
A red candle - for relationship, self-love and harmony, and compassion. Today mainly for the harmony.
A pink candle - for balance, purity, and innocence. Today mainly for balance.
And a blue candle for Nikki - for vision, direction, questing, and inner guidance.
Today it is rainy and cloudy and cold here. Going to light the candles, burn some incense, work on my massive pile of laundry, and listen to Enya. "A day without rain" cd. And boil some water with cinnamon, nutmeg, and cloves. Just to make the house smell good.
Thinking of you Nikki. Will think good thoughts and remember good things today.
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3 Comments:
Hi Barb, I read your most recent comment on Sharon's blog. My heart goes out to you! (Sometimes I feel like I'm invading your space when I comment.) We approach life differently, but I want you to know that in many ways we are the same. I too have been hurt by the church repeatedly. I'm still recovering from the emotional & spiritual abuse I suffered. I grew up being told I wasn't good enough- I didn't ever measure up. People seemed to delight in pointing out my mistakes. I thought this was how God was. NOT!! He was being misrepresented by people who arrogantly claimed to be His "remnant". There have been many who tried to steal my journey away from me, "Just do what we tell you to, memorize these proof-texts, believe the way we believe and you will go to Heaven". I sense in you someone who just wants freedom to step out of the BOX and examine life for yourself & find your own conclusions. Jesus died defending our right to choose. I encourage you to do so. Investigate, ask your questions, explore your options. God loves you- He's big enough to bring you to a place of peace. Many people tremble and shake because I dare to find out for myself what is real, and I speak out against the way people are treated in the name of the church. I affirm you that what you experienced was not Godly behavior. There Is a God, you KNOW it in your heart. He loves you simply because you exist. You are so beautiful in His eyes! I'm not writing this because I have some kind of agenda. I'm writing because I care and I want you to know that someone else in the blogosphere can relate to the suffering you have known. I also have been judged, condemned and rejected. I don't need their approval anymore, because I'm living my life for an audience of One. There are nights when I stand under the moon on the back deck of my house- stressed out & hurting, my mind spinning. There in the stillness, I feel this calm rush over me and in my heart I'm loved-it's overwhelming and it comes from outside myself. I know THAT is God and I am His girl. He is never ashamed of me. I pray you will find the answers you seek.
I miss my fish tank. That is about the only thing I regretted leaving behind my last relationship, but it was 100 gallons of salt water and HE surely wasn't going to help me. Pffft!
It's so relaxing to just sit and stare at the fish tank with its bright blueness in the dark and watch them float around...
And i just think...."just keep swimming, just keep swimming...."
:) Hugs!
ShelliB
Barb,
Thank you for your response on Sharon's blog...i figured i was missing something.
So sounds like you and Karl need to fix things...if they can't be fixed.
From this point on i am staying out of it...and trust you guys to take care of it.
:)
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