I said that I was resting. Resting in my spiritual journey. I needed to just rest, not inquire, not quest, just stop and be quiet and rest. Resting is a funny thing though. When we sleep at night it gives us a chance to grow. By resting I am growing. Maybe there is a lesson there. It makes me think of winter rye grass. It grows at night. When the whole world is sleeping. When the world is sleeping the beautiful green winter rye grass is growing.

I think I do things ass-backwards. On my days off, I usually get up, see everything I need to do around the house, the dishes, the laundry, lots and lots of stuff. So I make a mental list of things to do. Yoga, reading, exercise, my relationships, they are all subject to fitting in. And I actually believe I can fit everything in. And then they never happen.

Change is very hard. I have to reprogram myself. The laundry and housework will always be there. I need to start everyday nurturing my soul. Feeding my inside. Today I did that. I walked past the dishes (ok, I did turn the washer and dryer on first - give me time), and decided to read. Just a little. I need to start my day off, everyday, with my head and heart in the right place. In the right direction. It will in turn decide the quality of my day. Of my week. Of my year. Of my life. I must remember this. I must walk past the dishes everyday.

It reminds me of when I practiced the piano. I would be practicing a piece, and unknowingly practice it the wrong way. Learn the wrong fingering. When I was corrected and had to go back and relearn it the right way, that was the hardest thing to do. It is so hard to relearn something that you have learned wrong the first time.

I must reprogram myself.

I am keeping in my mind the picture of the starving child and the vulture. (For reference, http://www.deviantart.com/view/154583/,
I wrote about it on March 27). It so clearly puts things in perspective for me.

I have a book, "Meditations from the Mat. Daily reflections on the path of yoga", by Rolf Gates and Katrina Kenison. I have it for over a year. Its a daily devotional. Its a shame that I haven't stayed faithful in reading it.

The yamas, the niyamas, the asana, and the pranayama. Four of the eight yoga sutras. From the book, "These four practices refresh the body, refine the mind, and bring peace to the heart, allowing us to meet the pressures of life with equanimity."

From the book,
"A spiritual practice is one that brings us full circle, not to a new self but, rather, back to the essence of our true selves. Yoga is the practice of celebrating what is. At the end of the hero's journey, he finds that he did not need to go anywhere, that all he sought was inside him all along. Dorothy having traveled across time and space to the land of Oz, and having struggled desperately to find her way back to Kansas, discovers that she could have gone home at any time. In the end, she learns that her adventures have simply brought her to the point where she can believe this. It is the aim of all spiritual seeking to bring us home, home to the understanding that we already have everything we need."

I am not anywhere near being in shape enough to do yoga. Nor am I able to clear my mind in order to meditate. But I need these things. I will practice, and in time learn these things that I need so desperately.

I will make time today.

I not only have spiritual things to overcome, but I have physical. I don't talk about it alot here. Its more something that has just become part of my life. I think I have fibroids and I think I have a prolapsed uterus. I have alot of internal, uterine pain whenever I ovulate and my periods are hell. I don't know if its from tying my tubes, or just having too many babies, or perimenapause, or whatever, but it really affects my quality of life. I hurt almost everyday, and I think I lose too much blood. Something is not right. I also hurt my knee in a car accident about 5 years ago. Karl probably remembers, I was actually on my way to see him to talk. I was having a very hard time with stuff. I was very lucky. My knee was the only thing I hurt. I should have been killed. And it hasn't bothered me really up until recently. I never had it looked at, and I guess I am paying for that now.

I will not let these things win. My uterus or my knee. I've quit jogging, partially because of these things. I am going to jog. I love it, it makes me feel so good. I am going to start again - today. Pain or no pain. Time or no time. I will do it.

I've found a tea. It is called female toner. It is made by Traditional Medicinals, website is below:
http://www.traditionalmedicinals.com/?id=30&pid=12

Female Toner®Ingredients:
Organic raspberry leaf 165 mg, licorice root 150 mg, strawberry leaf 105 mg, organic nettle herb 60 mg, angelica root 15 mg, organic blessed thistle herb 15 mg, cramp bark 15 mg. Proprietary blend: organic spearmint leaf, organic rose hip, organic lemon verbena leaf, organic West Indian lemongrass leaf, organic ginger rhizome, organic chamomile flower.

So any of you with any female problems, try my tea. You can get it at a health food store, I got it at the co-op. I also have a PMS tea and Organic Chamomile with lavendar tea which is for upset stomach, I have irritable bowel also. All of these herbs are wonderful for our bodies. And very tasty.

I'm drinking my tea.

I'm thinking about Michelle at work who lost her 13 year old daughter on Sunday. The funeral is Saturday. My Cheyenne's birthday is Saturday April 1st also. She will be 2. Birthday's are sacred in our house, mom never works. But I'm going to work Saturday morning so some of the people that are much closer to Michelle can go to the funeral. I feel I can support her better by allowing her close friends to go rather than attending myself. And I have my daughter. I can hug my Cheyanna. My Shi Shi. Working for someone is the least I can do. Then go home and hug my Shi Shi. And blow out candles and eat cake. I wonder what her daughter's 2nd birthday was like?

I am letting go of something. What happened with Karl. I am letting go. Forgiving. Forgiving myself and others. I am releasing all my bad feelings, and letting go of all the anger. Life is too short. Thank you Deb and Royce for helping me see how important it is to do this.

An orange candle burns today for strength, self-empowerment, and emotional purging.

A white candle burns today for clarity, insight, and angelic clairvoyance.