"I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean"
These are lyrics in the song I Hope You Dance by Lee Ann Womack. This song has always made me think of my kids. Usually makes me cry.
On Monday, if everything goes to plan, Tyler will be leaving - officially (kind of) leaving the nest. He will go to California to start his internship. He finished his music recording program last week. He is leaving me. But not too far. And he will be by the ocean.
"I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance"
When Tyler started last year at the Conservatory his dad let him know how stupid it was. How it was a horrible educational decision. How it was bad. But Tyler knew what he wanted and he made it happen. Throughout this whole year at the school negative comments have been made. But Tyler just ignored them. I'm sure they hurt and pissed him off. But he quietly just kept going. That's my boy. Just last month Kirk said to me "if Tyler goes over to California he will do nothing but fail miserably." I think he's just jealous. Royce and Syd and Lynds and Ryan and Cheyenne and me have all encouraged him the whole time. We think its wonderful and all have faith in him. Alot.
"Never settle for the path of least resistance"
When Tyler was barely in high school, I showed him the Conservatory. He blossomed mentally, physically, introspectively, and musically in high school, and when it was over he decided he was going to the Conservatory no matter what. And he did.
"Livin' might mean takin' chances, but they're worth takin'"
I have to work every night this week if I'm going to get him there. I hope to not have to work Sunday night so I can spend that last night home with him. I'm the only one helping him. My mom cosigned the school loan, and has been helping with it. But no one is helping him get to his internship but me. I just hope I don't get cancelled.
"Lovin' might be a mistake, but it's worth makin'"
He has a few shirts, a few pants, nothing really nice, a couple pair of shoes, some personal things, his girlfriend, and her car.
I'm sure I will be working extra shifts and will get very well acquainted with Western Union.
"Don't let some Hellbent heart leave you bitter"
I recently asked his grandfather in Iowa, Kirk's dad for help. Kirk has done nothing to help the kids ever,except the occasional trip to the store, and the forced child support that stopped when he quit working last year. He especially hasn't helped Tyler with school. His father, who has always had money, very politely put me in my place and declined. What can you expect from a Human Resources manager? And what else can you expect from someone who never helped HIS own children? What was I thinking?
Its ok Tom. We can do it without you. I carry his letter in my purse with me at all times. I'll probably frame it someday.
And I still remember Mr. Claus's words. All of them.
I guess he was right. Tyler did very well in public school.
"Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance"
I've been so busy trying to find a way to get Tyler there and focusing and stressing about it, that when I stop and think - I realize my baby is leaving. That in a few days he will be gone. It will be phone calls when I am lucky. And lots of worry. It hasn't hit me yet. I'm so sad and excited at the same time.
I think of Crush the Sea Turtle in Finding Nemo.
Marlin: How do you know if they're ready?
Crush: Well, you never really know, but when they know, you know, y'know?
I love you Tyler. I have so much faith in you. If anyone can do it its you. And if things don't all go to plan - I'm deliriously proud of you for trying. And I will always, always be here for you. Cheering you on. Out of all the things I've done wrong, I must have done something right, right???
(Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder, where those years have gone?)
Go ahead Tyler. Do what I didn't. I know you can.
"And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance"
Thursday, January 26, 2012
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1 Comments:
Welcome back... I love this entry. Makes me nervous, my daughter is applying for college AWAY. Same state but AWAY. Your son will be fine. look at me, trying to be courageous and encouraging for you... and I'm nervous for me in our situation.. but everything will be FINE :)
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