This is going to be a very jumbled post.
I don't even know how to write.
I can't even bring myself to give it a title.
I can't concentrate, and I can't gather my thoughts.
They are just there, random, unexpected, spontaneous, and jumbled.
I need to write and don't know how.
My mom is gone.
She is not coming home.
I have had my mom my whole life, never really been away from her.
This was not always a good thing, and often detrimental.
Nonetheless, true.
Especially in the last few years I have been very dependent on her, due to health issues, and she has helped me tremendously with money.
But we never got along.
There were many many bad fights, and horrible words.
From both of us.
My mom is old. I should realize this.
I don't like thinking about mortality.
But she is gone now.
The reality of that hasn't sunk in yet.
I am completely overwhelmed.
My world is crashing. Completely.
I was not prepared financially, and we are barely existing when it comes to money.
I have not had to be independent.
She has always carried me.
And now she is gone.
And the regrets.
Why didn't I just let her be her? And ignore her.
I always thought I had to voice myself.
The fact is, she was mean.
She was.
Very mean sometimes. Very hateful.
Because I was never away from her, I was never free of this hatefulness.
I never developed a normal adult child relationship with her.
Never got away from her.
Looking back, I know alot of everything that happened was due to being bipolar. Including everything with my mom. I'm not blaming anyone or anything, just understanding it. My financial world has been destroyed because of decisions made because of being bipolar. And therefore I stayed dependent on her.
And, as Russell Brand said (speaking of bipolar) - "I don't like change."
A week exactly after her stoke, we had a horrible car accident. We should not have walked away from it. Me and my kids should have been killed, along with the other guy. And we knew it. I went home and kissed my babies. Over and over.
I will write more later.
I am not okay.
Nikki - I read your blog, and I related so much to something you said. The last part made me cry.
"Been thinking about the reason behind today's celebrations - Independence Day. And what that can mean for me. Freedom from bad choices. Freedom from old tapes in my head that say I'm a failure and other nasty things. Freedom from the belief that I won't actually make the changes I need to. And freedom/independence from the state of ill-health I've been calling life for a while now."
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you.
I love you Mom.
I'm so sorry.
And I miss you so much, and you're not even gone yet.
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I love you. ~Nik
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