Been thinking alot lately - especially since my birthday, and Sept. 27th.
I'm a little shocked at how much I've changed in two weeks.
Starting to get a little angry. I wish I could just get to that phase and be done with it.
Royce has been very kind through all of this. It helps alot. It's weird how it has made me look at him, and he look at me. If that's the good I get out of it - I'll take it.
The weight is getting lighter. A little everyday.
It's funny, I was on Facebook - went to Michael S's page. My sister P sent a whole bunch of pictures from highschool that he posted. And you know - I wasn't in one of them. It's like I never went to school there. Lots of pictures of the "it" people. Some of my closest friends like Nikki and Cathy. Not one of me. I know P is barely my sister anymore, which I probably deserve. So I shouldn't expect any different. But not one. It just made me feel invisible. Kinda sad.
We have both said mean hateful things to each other. A few months ago I apologized to her for what happened that day. I told her I was wrong and I was sorry. And I meant it. I know I've been known to hold a grudge before - just a few times ;) - but isn't forgiveness a vital part of her belief system? Don't they believe that if Jesus didn't forgive them they would have nothing? I will never understand why you would choose to be part of a group of people, choose a belief system and then not practice what you supposedly believe. For that much - even KNOW what you believe. It's amazing to me. I will never get it. And never want to be part of it again. I will never ever go back.
I was looking at those pictures. Took me right back to high school. It's not much different though than when the pictures were taken - I always just "looked" at those people from afar. Was never part of the group. I forget how bad it made me feel.
Are things different today? I know I'm different. Are they different? Would David or Tricia or Nora or Sara or Steve or any of them talk to me today? Be nice? Act like I was even there?
Well, I am here. And I like me for the most part. They only affect my life as much as I allow them. And I forget about them soon after I started my day and went about. But it made me think.
And Susan - you were the Queen of them all. But you were always nice to me. And now we are friends. Maybe they would talk to me. You do :). I always wanted to be you - but now I know why they all loved you.
I will be ok.
I'm making it an opportunity to change my perspective.
But still crying. And waking up to horrible feelings. When do those end? Do they end?
And the whole high school thing - makes me so thankful for the people who do love me. I honestly don't feel worthy of them.
Susan and Cathy - you two made my birthday. I laughed so hard - and cried so hard.
And Nikki - you are still and will always be my rock.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
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2 Comments:
The bible thumpers are ALWAYS the worst ones...
I will always ALWAYS love you. And be here for you. If I don't pick up the phone, call back. And keep calling until I answer. You know I'll do whatever you need. You are a beautiful, flawed person. Just like the rest of us. Except you are YOU and that unique Barb-ness is something that I'll always need. And even P knows that. Give it time. Work on you and she will let go. Or she won't. Either way, you know it starts within and you are worth all the love your friends can give you. Love you. ~Nikki
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