Floating

Hi everyone.
If there's anyone out there.
I said I was back.
It's a slower process than I thought.
I think things are changing.
If I can just stay on track.
Have strayed a little.
Straying less and less.
I think I finally have found an answer to my own tiger's blood and Adonis DNA.
Lamictal is changing my life.
Tried lithium.
The old standby.
Spent 2 nights in the cukkoo house for it.
Worked, but made me so sick.
I was so frustrated.
Thought nothing could help me.
Cried alot.
I guess that's why you get a real honest to goodness shrink.
12 years of studying crazy people and a lisence to prescribe I guess sometimes actually create answers for other people. For us Rockstars from Mars.
I'm laughing alot.
But can still cry.
I'm not a zombie.
But I'm not a fucking psychotic bitch either.
I still feel.
But how shall I say it ...........
Float intead of drowning or flying.
I've racked up alot of frequent flyer miles on GodIveMadeAnotherMess airlines.
Had alot of luck.
Had an angel, or goddess, or something forcefielding me like Violet did in The Incredibles.
Lots of repercussions that never saw morning.
Very lucky.
Floating.
Finally floating.
Not perfect yet.
But do I want to be????
Somewhere between Eminen and Glinda the good Witch of the North.
The 30s were rough.
I think the 40s will be different.
Missouri was the last hurrah.
The last rock bottom.
I hope.
Still picking up pieces of undiagnosed chaos - years to pick up pieces from choices I didn't even understand.
I lost and killed so much at my own hands.
Either with an empty bottle of Jager, or my forked tongue.
So many things. Lost. Eliminated.
It's hard to put warped pieces back together and make something recognizable, much less pretty.
But as Charlie Sheen said tonight - I'm so lucky - after all the stuff that I did, I still have a family that loves me.
Well, at least the ones that count.
Don't get me wrong - I have not turned into anything close to sweet.
Stewie and Brian are still my heroes, the Kardashians still make me wanna puke, Tosh makes me laugh so hard I cry, and I still like dogs more than most people I know.
I still see the world through fucked up, sarcastic, cynical glasses.
Lots of faith lost forever.
But am getting glimpses of .......
Of........
Of........
Hope? Faith? Humanity worth reaching to, worth watching?
Could it be?
Me?
And the nightmares have released me - for a little while.
Probably my least favorite symptom of being bipopular.
The dreams.
I dreaded going to sleep.
And now - peace during sleep.
So far, the Lamictal is saving me.
I should have listened to you Sarah. 2 years ago.
I miss you.
I think I'm not just back.
But finally floating.