I'm never clear whether Imbolc is the 1st or the 2nd. So I'm celebrating both days as a whole. Sometimes I frustrate myself with all or nothing, without even knowing I'm doing it. I've had this sage around the house for like over 6 months now, waiting for myself to thoroughly clean the house prior. Well today I'm going to sage the house. Clean up and do it. Perfect or not. I know we only have 2 months left in the house, but I want to establish some cleansing before I move. So I sage it today.

I borrowed money from my mom today. Once again, I fucked up the checking account. And it's Royces acct. I'm not allowed to have one. Yet. So I borrowed some money to get through till Friday. She made me feel like complete shit. No matter how much money I make I never seem to make it through the week. Money I have realized is my biggest challenge. I just can't seem to manage it. I never want to play victim, but I know that is a classic fallback/symptom of being bipolar. Fuck anyone who is reading this and critical of me. This is me, these are my mistakes. I've been bipolar for so long but just found out last year. But the mistakes I made because of it are still haunting me. Hence our move in April.

Doing this on my own, with no meds, no doctor, is hard. If I were my nurse I would consider myself a very bad noncompliant patient. Visiting with Sarah was good last night. Sometimes I feel like she is the only one who gets it. Which is kinda true.

Not been feeling bad lately. The manic kicks my butt but it passes.

Gonna have a little LOST party tonight. Snacks, food, pillows. Can't wait till 8.