Having a hard time with losing my house. I just get very sad about it. Waiting to move till April is excruciating. It feels like limbo. Like purgatory. We have to give up two of our dogs. It never was a great house. But it was mine. I enjoyed fixing it up and making a place for my kids. I can't let them see me cry about it. It will make it worse for them. So I cry when I am alone here. Alot of memories here. Good and bad. I just keep telling myself that we will be somewhere better, where everything works, be within our budget, and so can have nice things, and that as long as we are together we are ok, and that we will make this new place our home. But sometimes it just hits me - I won't be living here anymore. I'm losing my house. And it hits very hard.

I feel like such a failure and a bad parent. My mistakes have finally caught up with me and the direct result of th is losing the house. If it were just me and Royce it would be no big deal. But my kids. I know once we get moved in it should be better. I'm making sure we will have cable and Internet hooked up throughout. I am buying all the kids new beds. Right now Tyler has an air mattress, Sydney and Lyndsey sleep on the couch. Cheyenne sleeps with us or at Grandmas, and Ryan sleeps at grandmas. I'm buying new couches, our sectional is old and stained. Buying a dining set, we don't have one now. The new place should look really nice with all the new stuff. I just want a nice place for my family.

My demons have caught up with me.