b i p o p u l a r

A girl named Tina in my outpatient class last year used that term. Bipopular. I thought it was hilarious.

I miss you too Heather. Lots and lots. I wish we could just sit somewhere and just talk - on a regular basis. I so just need to talk, and I always feel better when I talk to you. I'm glad things are better with Jess. Hopefully once they find out what works it will be the magic formula for her. You've been in my thoughts alot lately. Miss you.

Oh and to answer your question - we are just moving down the street. To an apartment.

They moved up our move in date to March 18, something about their books and records, it made it easier for them. So I said sure, why not.

My house is so out of control right now. So disorganized. Overwhelming. So much that its hard to find a place to start, so I don't ever start at all. I can't let this overwhelm me, but it is. I need to just start, and just do it. I think if I take the approach that "everything has its place" it will help me alot. (Was reading about this here: http://www.solitaryinsanity.com/, see the post on Feb. 23, and it inspired me.) I never used to keep the house the way it is now. I've just completely let it go. The more I learn about bipolar the more I realize that my dad dying was my sentinal event. The thing that pushed my mind over to the crazy side. Apparently, although most people that are bipolar have been that way their whole life and not known it, there is usually and event that happens that makes it very obvious, and therefore they get diganosed. My dad was mine. He died Sept. of 2006, and the 3 years since he died have been a bipolar hell - for me and everyone around me. And it all hit the fan January of 2009 (I should go back and read those posts). All kinds of insanity and bad decision making. Just craziness, stuff I'm ashamed to even write down. But if you read other peoples stories, it is very much identical in many ways. It explains all the financial problems, trouble with relationships, losing my house, all the alcoholic behaviour. The owning 5 dogs that I can't care for - yeah another symptom. Losing my driver's lisence - yeah another one.

I'm realizing that when situations are presented to me, things that will affect my quality of life, such as spending money, going out, staying out, having too many animals, the fights, the alcohol, speeding, ignoring traffic tickets, ignoring creditors, just basic Barb behaviour - my reaction is always the same. "Everything will be okay". Thats my reaction. And as positive as it is and all, I give it a very unrealistic quality. I literally, for that moment, or moments, think that what I do really won't affect my life. So I go ahead and do it. Staying out all night and not being with the kids - it will be ok. Excessive alcohol - it will be ok. Sure we can have another dog - poor doggie, needs some love and a home. It will all be ok. The blow out between me and Maria - that cost me my job. All the broken relationships at my own hand. I don't need them anyhow, it will be ok. I could go on.

But it never is. Its not ok. I am losing my house, don't have a driver's license, am in financial hell, my credit score is probably -25, had a car reposessed, caused alot of damage between Royce and me, ignored my children, my house is a disaster. Boy when I write it all down, it seems so obvious that that is what has been wrong with me the whole time. For years. My whole life. The only thing I haven't managed to lose is my nursing license. Thank god.

I think moving to the new place is a new start for us. It will be clean, and working, and just a new place. I am going to make an appointment with Sarah's nurse practitioner. I can't do this by myself. I thought I could, but I can't. The alcohol has to go, I need meds, and alot of lifestyle changes. I just can't manage my life. I need help. So for my kids and my marriage, I am going to get help. Everyone is suffering because of me, and I don't want to do this anymore.

I started Tegretol again. I have enough to get me through till I see the nurse. It was a hard decision to make. I don't want "me" to go away, but right now "me" is a mess.

I forgot the hell that the first few days on Tegretol is like. I was so sleepy at work, couldn't concentrate - literally. It was horrible. Last night was horrible. But I made it through and didn't kill anyone. I should have just called off, but once again I've taken so many day off (another symptom) that I will be in trouble if I call in again. And I desperatly need this job. So I just went and worked. It was hell though. It was like I was dreaming while awake. Literally. It was obnoxious. From now on I will take it right before I sleep, whether that be morning or night.

I need to just accept the fact that I have it. Quit fucking around trying to play doctor. I'm a very non-compliant patient. Very bad patient.

I'm educating myself on diet and bipolar. Apparently this is very important. And I will try hard to eat that way. There also are some supplements I can take that can reduce symptoms by around 55%. I think natural meds are way way under-rated and totally believe in them. But like someone who has cancer, you can do all the non-traditional stuff, but don't refuse the chemo. Those people die. And the amount of alcohol has to drasitally decrease. It is the worst trigger for me. I have such bad episodes after I drink, like the next day. So that has to change.

I've always been really hesitant to write about this on here. But I actually feel better after writing this post. I want to get well.

I want to be a good person for Royce to be with. Life is hard with 5 kids and a crazy wife, and he gave up alot to be with me. I want to make it worth it for him. This will entale losing weight. I've put so much weight on I don't know how he hasn't left already.

Sometimes I feel like I need to go to everyone who ever knew me, and something bad happened between us, or I was just frustrating to them, and introduce them to this little skeleton in my closet. Who finally fell out of the closet and broke into a million little pieces, no longer to be ignored or pushed back. The shit, the bones, are all over the floor now, and need to be cleaned up. But might explain some things to those people. Lets see - Karl, Sharon, Loida, Jerry, and god knows Mr. Leukert should know, William, Gina, just everyone. But I'm not that brave yet. And I'm sure there are so many more.

Getting excited about the apartment. I need a fresh new start.

Its nice to know I have something in common with Robin Williams too.

The length of this post probably means I'm a little manic.

There - I wrote about it. I feel better.

Happy Full Moon everyone. Will do something tonight.