Christmastime is Here

That is my all-time favorite Christmas song. The Charlie Brown one.

Merry Christmas everyone.

The kids are all happy with their presents, so its a good Christmas. Went to my mom's for dinner, but she is so unpleasant to be around, I just ate and left. Its hard to describe, her behaviour, but its really hard to be around. As long as everyone has food in front of them she thinks things are as they should be. And thats just not enough. She just acts so miserable. I would rather eat at McDonald's on Christmas than to have a meal prepared by someone so unhappy and just stressed out. So I ate and left. Tried to lay down a little, but I hurt so bad today I could't sleep. Its midcycle when I ovulate and it always hurts bad, but actually interrupted sleep today. Watch me have some cantalope sized tumor growing in there and end up with like a colostomy or better yet 6 months to live. There is just so much pressure. They told me my uterus is completely inverted, upside down, and the top of it, my fundus, is sitting right on top of my rectum. Nice. So I couldn't sleep. It feels better now though. And I did something to my back the last time I worked. I helped Ralph move his patient up in bed - this useless, dead weight, helpless pt - and I felt it when it happened. And it has hurt ever since. So between my cramps and my back, it was just a shitty afternoon. Better now though.

Like I said, the kids are all happy with their presents, so I had a successful Christmas. I've been looking forward to it being over. I tried very hard to not let the kids know I was upset today. They played forever with all their new toys, got a Wii, and they played that a long time, I heard Cheyenne singing Rudolph the red nosed reindeer throughout the day. Then she played with her kitchen in her new princess dress for a long time. Ryan played his Indiana Jones Wii game foreved, and he got Optimus Prime and Bumblebee too. They seemed to all be in their own little wonderful Christmas world. Which is how I wanted it. Had a very hard time today though. My mood, it was just one of those bad days. Just so sad this afternoon. Just sat in the bathtub and cried and cried. And sat there. Then got into bed. It actually felt like I needed to come back to the hospital for awhile today. That bad. But I knew it would pass, and it did. But it got better, I'm learning how to cope through the moods, and then to get out of them. I guess I will have to do this the rest of my life. So I better learn. It got better before I came to work tonight. Actually I'm better at work most times.

Syd always knows when I'm not ok though. She always makes me feel better. And I got out of the bathtub and snuggled up with the dog under the covers naked. I love my Tebs. He always makes me feel better too.

I got 3 Christmas cards this year. One from my Uncle Paul and Aunt JoAnn, one from Sarah and Lisa, and one from William and Talese.

I think I sent out 22. All with a picture of the kids in them.

We watched Marley and Me last night. Cried my eyes out. I hate that. Good movie though. I know the days will come when I will have to be there for Tebs and make that decision. Until then, he's the best dog ever. Can't think about that time.

I gave my mom some presents, and Peggy and her kids. Actually Peggy was just about the only bright moment of the day. She always is so silly. Always makes me laugh. Especially when we haven't seen each other for awhile. She got me a snowglobe, but I haven't even seen it yet, like I said, I ate and left. My mom gave me money, that I don't even want. When I buy her presents, its cause I really want to. When she gives gifts its out of obligation pretty much. I don't want anyone obligated to give me anything, especially my mom. Sometimes I feel like she really doesn't like me. Really disappointed in how I turned out. What kind of mom I am. On Christmas Eve she told me how stupid it was to be watching a movie with the kids. Like it was a waste of time. I should be doing better things with them. I walked over to my house after that conversation, whipstering "Well, fuck you" under my breath. I had worked the night before, was excited about sitting down as a family and watching a movie on Christmas Eve, got Panda Express for everyone. I was looking forward to it. And then she just says shit that is like a huge drenched overcoat that someone threw over you. Wet, heavy, and hard to get out under from. My dad used to call them "Money wrenches". "Garnet always has to throw a monkey wrench in and ruin things." Somehow I honestly don't know how he lived that long with her. And hopefully he has some peace now. But its still Mom. This last year has been much more peaceful for us. A lot less fighting. I haven't done anything to upset her, of course except not believe in god. And she just acts like she can't stand me. I hope me and Syd and Lyndsey are never never like that. But me and my teenagers are way different than Mom and I were at that age. So I think we will always be close. I hope so. I need them.

We liked the movie.

I missed my Dad today.

Tyler was here last night, Christmas Eve, and opened up all of his presents and I gave him his money. I spent about $250 on each kid, and only $90 on him for presents - got him socks and underwear and shirts and stuff - so I gave him $150. He left afterward with Tayler and they drove to San Diego to be with her family. I thought I would be nice and let him go. She asked me a while ago and I said ok if he would be here on Christmas Eve. I would have liked to have seen him today, but I did call him, and I have to realize that he is getting older and wanting to do his own thing. I would have loved to go to San Diego over Christmas with my boyfriend when I was that age. And we all know how that wouldn't have happened with my parents. He has been listening and obeying the rules alot better lately, so I thought I would give him a little slack.

Kirk didn't see the kids at all today. I think they wanted to stay with me today, and that made him mad (which we all know is a pretty much a baseline for his personality - always mad about something (( you know why divorce is expensive? Because its worth it)) ). Well Kirk, have fun with your big boat, with your nice car and house, all your gadgets, ------ cause I got the best present today - I got the KIDS. They know who they want to be with. My priceless present.

He's probably going to withhold Chrismas presents from them now. Knock yourself out honey, whatever it takes to make you feel like a man. To feel in control.

I was so sad about Brittany Murphy. I can't believe she is dead. I just loved her. Everything I ever saw her in - especially Girl Interrupted, and Sin City. And Don't Say A Word. I feel so bad for her and her family. I loved her. Alot of us did. Her funeral was on Chrismas Eve. And I read that among the many prescription meds she was on, she was on carbamazepine (Tegretol) the same thing I was on. For the same thing. She was Bipolar too. Makes you think. I will miss her.

And here in Phoenix an Amber Alert was issued today. Some psycho creep was at an apartment complex this afternoon, Chrismas day, taking pictures of kids as they played with their new Christmas toys ourside. He tried to assault one of the older girls, tried to pull her pants down, then apparently grabbed the 5 year old and forced her into his car. This happened at like 2:15 in the afternoon. Makes me sick. I can't even imagine. She is so beautiful too. You know we will never see her alive again. What a fucking bastard. God I wish I made the rules. Breaks my heart and terrifies me to think of my precious 5 year old Cheyenne. Playing with her Christmas presents today.

Go here to see her picture and read about it:
http://www.kansascity.com/news/nation/story/1650713.html

Isn't she beautiful?????????
Bastard.

I keep thinking about what is going on with her, to her - right now. Christmas night.

Kind of a melancholy Christmas for me. I'm glad my family had a good day though.

Hope everyone had a nice Christmas.

Cathy - what happened to your mom? Can I do anything to help?
Hope she is ok.

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December 26 at 1213 am - No details yet, but little Natalie has been found, alive I think.
Just found out.


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December 26 at 1257 am - UPDATE

Natalie Flores, 5, was found alive tonight at about 9 pm after being abducted by a stranger in front of her apartment complex by a stranger.

And Amber Alert went out, and at about 9 pm a police officer spotted the truck in question. She was still in the truck with the guy who took her and the policeman rescued her safely. AND caught the guy.

Alot can happen in 7 hours with a child molestor.

But she is ALIVE and back with her family.
Glad I was wrong.

Christmas just got a lot better.