The overdue dead baby, that weighed 12 pounds, that got stuck with the head out, for like 10 minutes. Her skin would peel off just from holding her. She was purple and mushy. I had to bathe her, dress her and get little footprints.
The baby that was too early to resuscitate, that was just "dumped" in the dirty utility room until the morgue guy came. It continued to "breathe" for hours. I just watched it.
The haunting scream of a mom, post car accident, when no one was laboring that night, that scream in the middle of the night when she woke up and remembered that her 6 year old had been killed in the accident.
The baby that had already been chopped up in the autopsy, but family hadn't seen it yet so we had to go get it from the morgue for them.
The anencephalic babies - born with no brain, look totally normal until you turn them over and their skull is just jello.
The beautiful little 16 year old whose boyfriend was upset that she was pregnant and shot her point blank in the stomach to try and kill the baby. It missed the baby but hit her spine. She was a paraplegic, had another 2 year old, and delivered a healthy baby.
The trauma I had to go down to the ER for, 22 year old shot in the back, 7 months pregnant. She was dead on arrival but we had to go down to see if the baby could be delivered by c-section. We never found a heartbeat. I looked and looked though. We had to cover her up and walk out.
The pregnant mom who had been air-evaced to us after a car accident. Her 2 year old and boyfriend were killed on site. The baby started to crash on the strip so they did an emergency c-section. The baby died, they coded it for a half hour. And mom was fighting for her life at this point. When all was said and done the family came up to the triage window where I was working that night and wanted to know what happened. They hadn't been told anything, about the 2 year old, or the boyfriend or the baby. The doctor and I had to take them aside and tell them. Then I found out that labor hadn't taken the baby, and the NICU hadn't taken the baby, everyone just left it in the OR. It was time for me to go home, but I stayed until the morgue came for the baby. I couldn't just leave it there. That was the same night we had a code and a twin demise. I went straight to the bar that morning.
Beautiful Anne - my co-worker and friend, 21 weeks pregnant. They called me in that day to be her nurse in ICU. I knew when I walked in she was dying. She didn't know. I never said goodbye to her. And most of all, I didn't save her or her baby girl. I still can't talk about it. It was Thanksgiving morning when she died.
Right after Anne's funeral Gina and I went straight to the bar. I had been carrying a little card in my purse that said "Expect Miracles" up until that day. I left the card at the bar. After the bar we went back to the gravesite and drank some more. I drank myself into oblivion that day. That was back in 2002.
Being raped myself, and some of the domestic violence that happened.
All the other dead babies, or unwanted babies, or fucked up situations.
The tiny little footprints.
The 13 and 14 year old deliveries.
The AIDS patient screaming at us to please just let her die and to quit poking and prodding her everyday.
My dad's body in the casket.
What it looks like now.
*********************************************************
These are all things in my head. And more. Things I see.
I drank many times because I just didn't want to see them anymore.
I need to release them. All of them and all of the others.
Here and now.
I guess I needed a break from County.
Only now I'm on a Cancer floor.
The trauma I had to go down to the ER for, 22 year old shot in the back, 7 months pregnant. She was dead on arrival but we had to go down to see if the baby could be delivered by c-section. We never found a heartbeat. I looked and looked though. We had to cover her up and walk out.
The pregnant mom who had been air-evaced to us after a car accident. Her 2 year old and boyfriend were killed on site. The baby started to crash on the strip so they did an emergency c-section. The baby died, they coded it for a half hour. And mom was fighting for her life at this point. When all was said and done the family came up to the triage window where I was working that night and wanted to know what happened. They hadn't been told anything, about the 2 year old, or the boyfriend or the baby. The doctor and I had to take them aside and tell them. Then I found out that labor hadn't taken the baby, and the NICU hadn't taken the baby, everyone just left it in the OR. It was time for me to go home, but I stayed until the morgue came for the baby. I couldn't just leave it there. That was the same night we had a code and a twin demise. I went straight to the bar that morning.
Beautiful Anne - my co-worker and friend, 21 weeks pregnant. They called me in that day to be her nurse in ICU. I knew when I walked in she was dying. She didn't know. I never said goodbye to her. And most of all, I didn't save her or her baby girl. I still can't talk about it. It was Thanksgiving morning when she died.
Right after Anne's funeral Gina and I went straight to the bar. I had been carrying a little card in my purse that said "Expect Miracles" up until that day. I left the card at the bar. After the bar we went back to the gravesite and drank some more. I drank myself into oblivion that day. That was back in 2002.
Being raped myself, and some of the domestic violence that happened.
All the other dead babies, or unwanted babies, or fucked up situations.
The tiny little footprints.
The 13 and 14 year old deliveries.
The AIDS patient screaming at us to please just let her die and to quit poking and prodding her everyday.
My dad's body in the casket.
What it looks like now.
*********************************************************
These are all things in my head. And more. Things I see.
I drank many times because I just didn't want to see them anymore.
I need to release them. All of them and all of the others.
Here and now.
I guess I needed a break from County.
Only now I'm on a Cancer floor.
5 Comments:
That brought tears to my eyes. I won't try and point out miracles in any of those situations. All that sucks. I could never be a nurse. Everyone asked me why I trained to work in doctors office and not be a nurse. I say because I don't care enough about people to make them well. Nobody ever thinks of the awful things you see that get stuck in your head.
You need to be strong for that shit.
Babe, that's awful stuff. I have no words, I know it's hard to see God and expect miracles when there's so much shit in the world. I watch my Dad slowly die from Cancer, a man who has always been an environmentalist, healthy eater, non smoker, and I think it's fucking unfair. I got nothing, it's a struggle every day to not say 'fuck it.'
I think you're awesome.
being there in the moment of pain and death is something that takes an amazing person to live through. to CHOOSE to be there. to honor that time with your presence and reverence (if you will). And you can't expect it to not affect you. It is evil. But YOU were not evil in those situations. You were a bright light, peace in it even. You are amazing Barb, and you letting this stuff out now is showing just how strong you have been trying to be. Let it go. - nik
still can't remember how to log onto this thing.. can't remember my password for the life of me.
Got caught up on some of your posts. Intersting journey. I could never stomach seeing or experiencing what you have. Your friends are right. You are the light. You were the face of peace for those people.
-C
I'd hug you if I could. {{{{{{}}}}}}
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