Drying out

I have to say, we are having very weird weather. Its the middle of June for god's sake, its usually between 112 and 115, and its been like well, 91. Weird. Those of you who are here know what I mean. Its like no one is talking about it cause they don't want to jinx it. I swear I haven't had one weather man say how it is unseasonbly cool. Weird. But not complaing. And it was cloudy all day here and then windy, it was one of those Haboobs. I swear thats what they are called. Haboobs. Google it. They are a wall of dust . I love them. Also, music to my ears, I heard it was officially Monsoon season. Wait for it.......................... Ahhhhhhhhhhhh..........

No burning hands on the steering wheel. No melted crayons or CDs in the car. No oven when you open the door door to go outside. Not yet at least. Its like summer will only be 2 months this year. Its so nice. I remember the year it was 122 outside. I believe it was July 5th of 90.

I've decided I'm not going to color my hair anymore. I'm going to let it be brown, like it used to, but who knows how grey it is. I haven't seen it in 9 years. I just feel the need to start over in lots of areas. Thats why I cut my hair. Its still long, about the middle of my back, but they cut about 8 to 9 inches off the back, and I gave myself bangs. They are all symbolic things to me. A need for change. This is my year to make alot of changes. I started saving for my lift/augmentation. I want to get it shortly after my year is up, and think I will have the money saved by then to do it. I've wanted it for so long. They will be spectacular. But I also need to get skinny and in shape prior to getting it. So that is motivation. I have kept 25 pounds off since March. If I lose 25 more in the next three months I will start to look fab.

I'm much more aware of what I do. I know that sounds weird, but without a constant buzz, or worse, I didn't really "think"about things. I guess that was the point. Things are just clearer I guess. Why I go to work, what I'm like when I'm there, not just punching a clock. Time with the kids, what I do and how I am when I am with them. Not just being "mom". And I see alot of things I don't want to be later, with patients at work that have lived badly starting in their 30s, and what they look like now. Alot of very old broken people at the bars. I notice things I never did before. How what I do now will determine what I'm like when I'm 50,60,70, and on and on. I don't want to be a broken down, fat, bitter old person. I want to be in shape and healthy, and happy. Peaceful. I guess that's what I don't see alot - peace.

Now that I know what is wrong with me, I see things a little differently there too. There are people at work making fun of pts with the same things as me. I used to be one of them. I still am. I now have a very good mask about it at work. I realize that people are more than a "diagnosis". They have lives, and friends, and family and stories, and a life. I used to only see the disease. I am developing a huge fear that it will just get worse, little by little and I will end up one of those crazies you see roaming the streets talking to themselves. It scares me. Alot. I've been doing everything I am supposed to do, but I am educated enough about it, I know too much.

My dry brain has realized something else. People go to church and to the bar for the same reasons. You can pray at home, and you can drink at home. They go for social reasons. They want to be with people that are like them.

Heather I need to see you and we need to talk.