Deliver Us From Evil

I started back to work last night. Its good to be back. I don't like being the patient.

I want to welcome someone here, her name is Sarah, and I met her in outpatient. And once again kindred spirits find each other. She is a wonderful, intelligent, beautiful person, with a wicked sense of humor. Sarah, I am going to keep in touch with you so don't even worry (even though I know its hard not to). She is a writer. So, welcome Sarah - I miss you already. I'm looking forward to your writing here.

Its hard to deny a diagnosis when the meds "fix" you like overnight. So I know it is right. I'm having a little bit of a hard time with having something that is just manageable, not curable. I will be on these meds for the rest of my life. And since I quit drinking my blood pressure is normal, and my stomach doesn't hurt any more - I have quit taking the medications for both of those. Its a little bizarre how when I do talk to someone who knows me they aren't surprised. Its like they knew all along. Everyone but me. And I know Mr. Leukert would SO NOT be surprised. Hell, he probably diagnosed me in high school. I just feel like I should apologize to everyone.

I went to another AA meeting. Not so bad. In fact, kind of cool. Everyone is very nice. I almost broke down and had a drink, so I knew it was time for a meeting. And it helped. My least favorite part of the meetings though, next to the times when the "speaker" just whines and moans about their life for about 20 minutes, is the end of every meeting when everyone holds hands (reminiscent of Bible camp and Kum By Ya - all we need are some pine trees and a guitar) and everyone closes their eyes and recites the Lord's Prayer. NOT that I don't know the words, they were permanently etched on my frontal lobe like a bad tattoo. I just stand there. Quietly. I've come to the conclusion that I can ignore the very small parts that I don't agree with, and take something with me from it that is positive and usable. I got my 24 hour chip.

Went to the gym 3 times last week, and did cardio 3 times last week. I am 17 days sober. I'm going to do this for a year. And walk back into Pat Murphy's on St. Patrick's Day 2010 and be in much better shape, sober for a year, and maybe have a green beer and maybe not. I can't think that far into the future when in comes to being sober.

People are telling me I look so much better. And I feel so much better.

I asked Cathy to be my sponsor. She is here, and understands alot of the dynamics. Unfortunately. Thanks Cath. Love you.

I'm playing with the idea of going to the Basketball game Saturday night.