A Million Little Pieces

It is a beautiful Full Moon. If by chance I don't work tonight, and maybe even if I do, I will do something to celebrate it.

Cathy, I got your call, I was in the tub. But I did call back tonight while I was at work and left you a message. Can you get together Sunday night? I will have money, and I am not working for sure. I would like to see you.

I caught up on your blog tonight. You sound so way ahead of me when it comes to personal progress. You sound so responsible and accountable to yourself. And so disciplined. I have to ask myself, and you, --- what sentinel event caused you to do such a 180? What was your life like a month ago? You sound great. I would love to talk. I'm sorry your relationship is hard right now. All I've got to say if I'm glad I don't date women. We are so complicated. If I WERE a lesbian, it would probably turn me straight. I can only handle one of me - Wait, I don't even do that very well. Can't imagine my partner being anything like me. One of us needs to be logical. You are a brave soul. It sounds like you are making alot of progress with yourself and J. I really enjoy reading your blog. Thank you for being so open and honest. Royce and me are one area that I tend to keep private.

And you are doing so much better than me with weight loss. I'm still not making progress. Feeling really fat. Now that the weather is cool I have started exercizing more though. I can't believe you have lost 32 pounds. That is so great.

Every once in a while it will dawn on me how amazing our friendship is. Our past - all of it. And now. I feel very fortunate. Very. That kind of thing just doesn't happen. And it did with us. Let me know about Sunday. My treat. Can we go to the same place we did the night you almost killed me? I love that place.

Over the last 4 years I have lived a very destructive life. Between my loss of faith and losing my dad, I have been very destructive to me and everyone around me. When I think about some of the low points, I am so ashamed that all I can do is self hate. I think of my children, and hate who I was. I think of Royce, and hate who I was. I think of the moments I missed, that I will never get back. And the moments I royally fucked up that I can't change. That my children will remember. And all the moments that they never saw directly, but felt on the perimeter. And what all of that did to them. Will I even know exactly what it did to them? The decisions they may make later because of me. And the last 4 years. The near misses that I know about. And the near misses that I don't. Russian Roulette - seriously. And the consequenses if any of those misses would have hit.

And I can barely look at myself.

But I am looking. Its hard not to look when you aren't faded.

I'm coming into the early morning hours of a 4 year night of being faded, the early morning when the daylight starts coming and you start to emerge from the night of drinking before, the party of the night before, and just want to go back to sleep because of the regret of the night before. Its hard to look.

But I am as capable of making good decisions as I am of making bad ones. Its a matter of choice.
I am alive today and am able to choose. This is my power.

I have not had any alcohol for going on 6 days now. I haven't really had a goal, just been turned off with the feelings and lifestyle for the last week. Yesterday was hard, I really wanted a drink, and if I would have had the money - any money at all, or way of getting any, I would have bought some. Any. Just some. My body wanted it badly. But by choice and by financial situation I didn't. I wanted it and I didn't. The feeling passed, but was bad for awhile. I haven't been to Murphy's for almost 7 weeks. A couple of times during the day, but not at night, which was my weakness. My home. I don't have any desire to go right now.

I've been struggling with depression, and I hate to say it, panic. I've never been this way before. I am attributing it to hormonal changes, my cycle is definately changing, menopause will come early. And also to withdrawal symptoms. The combination is a doozie let me tell you. One alone makes me feel crazy. It seems if I drink the night before I wake up in complete panic and very depressed and scared. I shake, and am very anxious, and cry, and am terrified. I hate this feeling. This has kept me from drinking this week. I hate that feeling. And we have pinpointed it to right after I drink. I know, classic withdrawal. This week I have been irritable, depressed, scared, pannicky. At just random times. Withdrawal sucks. I don't have a goal. I know I will drink soon. But I am doing much better.

I just finished "A Million Little Pieces", by James Frey. Thats what I have felt like for a very long time. Like I've been in a million little pieces. Broken. The book was a wake up call and a trip home at the same time. It often felt as if someone crawled in my head and began to type. Especially after my week in detox. The book has helped me alot. It will stay with me. Heather, I'm going to give it to you. You need to read this book.

Heather, thanks for your words about Tyler. He told me he saw you and Jeff at the Metallica concert. That you were right behind him. I couldn't believe it, in that whole stadium. Since we have been staying with my mom, Tyler hasn't been staying with us. He will come home when all the power is back on. I don't blame him. But I miss him so much. I've never been away from him this long. I miss him.

The new job is going well. Not used to the new place yet, but I can't complain. I need this job and my family needs this job, and so I do it. Working on the same floor that my mom had cancer on and that my dad was dying on often hits home. Makes me think. And there is something about taking care of dying people that makes you look at life differently.
Everyone has been very nice. So it is going well.

I'm probably going to have to start working again like I used to - working my ass off, to get me out of this mess. But I guess I take it one day at a time, one moment at a time, and just hold on till the moment passes. The bad always passes, and I am ok. Even when I was scared and not ok. If I just wait, and take it moment by moment, I am always eventually ok. I learned that from that book. And it makes alot of sense.

Can't wait to be in my own house again.