Sweet Karma

Its been a week. I started my new job, finished orientation, and actually did one shift on the floor. I feel a little better about it, I know I can do it now. Everyone was really nice. And it doesn't seem overwhelming. So this is good.

And you know, I always say life is strange. I guess with the way I believe now, strange isn't the right word. "Karmic" is a better word. I didn't delve into the reasons behind losing my Dialysis job. It was really painful, and I had a hard time writing about it. But I basically lost it because of my boss there. She didn't like me and got rid of me. I have never been fired from a job, and it was really painful. Did alot of bad things inside of me. She said very bad things to me, how I wasn't right for the job, and lots of things, that hurt alot, that I knew in my heart were not true, everything logically told me that it was a personal thing with her, but you know how it is, you start questioning yourself, even though you weren't in the wrong. I always have been a good nurse, even when I didn't feel like it, even when overwhelmed, in all circumstances - I have always prided myself in my work, I am a good nurse. And she really hurt me. And it came totally out of the blue. Complete slap in my face.

Well, guess who was at orientation at my new job? Jennifer. My previous boss who got rid of me. Jennifer, who told me I wasn't right for the job. Apparently when she decided she didn't want me, UPPER MANAGEMENT decided they didn't want HER. Its a beautiful thing. The first day of orientation we saw each other. The look on her face reminded me of those commercials - "WANNA GET AWAY???" I smuggly sat in orientation, in front of her, knowing that she got fired after she let me go, and now she knew I KNEW, and now we were hired for the exact same position, we were equals now. And she totally took a pay cut and a position cut. She went from managing a clinic to being a floor nurse. And she's on a med/surg floor. She went from signing payroll checks and playing queen bitch, to cleaning up shit and taking vitals. Just like me. Actually on her floor, probably more shit. And I had nothing to do with it. Again.

Yeah. Feels good.

I still wanna stab her in the eye though. She is the reason we are staying with my mom right now.
Ahh...............Karma.

Other than that, I'm doing better. Had very little to drink this last week. An amazingly huge decrease. I feel better. I spent alot more time with the kids this week. Started exercizing. Fighting alot less, even though we are really stressed right now. Picked up an extra shift tonight. I'm going to keep Registry for extra money. Its easy, and its good money.

Tyler got a job. So I'm excited for him. Its the same place that Taylor works. He has been staying with her while we are at my mom's. Its just easier, and he has a place to sleep better than a couch. I miss him terribly. I can't wait to get him home.

Its still hard to look at myself. The effect of alcohol are finally harder for me than having to look at myself, and so I've been forced to look at me alot more lately. It is still really hard. I don't like me and what I've done. I feel like I'm a grown woman, I should not have the financial or family problems that I do. All from bad decisions.

Doing better entails looking at yourself. Its kinda like when I decide to get in shape. I may be on the right track, say even lost 20 pounds, but instead of ignoring what I look like and stuffing my face, I am now looking in the mirror. And even though I've made good progress, I'm transparent now, and its hard to look at. When I'm out of shape and not caring, thats when I feel the best about myself, cause I'm not looking. Then when you are forced to look in order to change, it is completely horrific.

I am ashamed of alot. But I am not going to waste my time or energy on it. Remember "Mr. Brownstone"? Axel Rose? "I'm not gonna worry about nothin, . . . . No, cause worryin' is a waste of my time."

I see a very faded picture of who I know I can be. Physically, spiritually, financially, emotionally. This is what I have to keep looking at. I just keep seeing the NOW me. I feel so lost and ashamed alot of the time.

And physically fighting withdrawal makes nothing easier.

One day at a ...............................
Oh wait, I hate those.

But, the weather is cooler. Its nicer outside. There is a feel in the air. And life is good if I choose it.

I have to nuture my good wolf.

Blessed Be