One Day At A Time

Thank you so much Stacey for the Birthday card. It was so great to get it. I didn't even get one from my mom. It was really unexpected and very appreciated. Thanks. It made me feel so good.

And Heather - I love you too. Alot.

Lyndsey just had her 10th birthday on the 10th. It was a very fun day. I was able to get her almost everything she asked for. Feels good. She is so beautiful.

But I start my new job on Monday. So things will get better. It will be the best paying job I've had that includes bennies. And its close to home. So I am excited. It will be on an oncology floor, actually the same floor that my mom and dad were both on. Which brings back some memories. It will be a new area of nursing for me. I am excited and scared both. But I have to make it work. I need this job. So I guess losing the dialysis job was a blessing in disguise. Who woulda thought. I am making this job my top priority. I am dedicating myself to giving all that I am to it. In every way.

I started thinking about me, from my mom's point of view. I always say I will never treat my children the way my mom has treated me. But I'm not sure how I would feel about my children if they did the things to me that I have done to her. I want to be a good daughter. And know I haven't. I owe her so much money. One of my main goals after I start this job is to start paying her back. I really want to. Its hard to think about. I am willing to look at it though, if it will help me change who I am. I haven't liked who I am recently. The lack of alcohol makes it impossible for me to avoid looking at myself. And its hard. It feels alot better to be numb. Its been slapping me in the face lately, all of the things I have done in the last few years. The lies. The lies have been bothering me lately.

If I were her, I wouldn't trust me either.

The beauty and peace that I have found in Wicca has really been my only grounding point lately. When I feel completely off, it is always there. The spells, and celebrations, the history, the goddess, all of it. It has been the only thing I have been holding on to inside. And I haven't been true to it either. But it is still there for me to hold on to. A reason for me to be a better person, along with my family.

I haven't been to Murphy's in 2 weeks. This is amazing for me.

I don't like looking at myself.

Peggy is back. She looks great, and looks well, and looks happy.

The weather has finally cooled down here. It was like 65 on my birthday, and tonight it was supposed to get down to 49. I love it.

So I'm going to start exercizing. And being more true to myself and my beliefs.

I know I have the strength to do both. I have done much harder things.

Blessed Be