Hovering

Worked 14 hours today.
Ate twice. Spaghetti both times. Probably about 500 - 600 calories.
Had a diet Full Throttle to get through the day.
Today is the 6th Anniversary of our first date.
In some ways more important than our wedding anniversary.
It was such a perfect date.
Sat with Royce at Murph's for a little.
Went somewhere else had a double
(really a triple, blessed heavy-pouring local bartenders)
of Jager.
Stopped there - Wow, thats a first.

Tomorrow is the day my Dad died 2 years ago.
I know I will drink tomorrow.

I can see, like I'm floating above the room in Hospice 2 years ago. Hovering.
This was the night I spent with him.
Where I read to him.
And told him everything I needed to say. And watched his uneaven breathing.
And held his hand.
And fed him chocolate.
And he looked at me. Alot.
And we listened to his music.
And watched his movies.
He was "there" that night.
That was the last time.
Then the next night. Tomorrow.
Living corpse.Shell.
And left Peggy there, unknowingly, by herself to watch him take his last breath.
But god I was so thankful for that last breath.
He starved and dehydrated for 9 days.
Enough.
But I was lucky to have that night 2 years ago.
Not many people do.

Ociferswife - I have two words.
Kindred Spirit.
I can feel the connection already.

Nikki, I need you.
Especially now.
Thanks for being there.

I am so tired tonight, that I can't write anymore, or to anyone else.
But I will write to you both.

My oldest friend,
and my newest.

I did good with food today.
And alcohol.
Must lose this weight.
I am determined to this time.
It will save me from certain torture.
It will let me be who I really am.

I love you Dad.
My only consolation is that you finally have peace.
I would visit you tomorrow, but I know that you aren't really there.
But I may visit your body.
Its still who you were,
and I miss you very much.
Its the only way I can visit "you".

I love you Royce.
And I love you Dad.

Namaste and Peace.
I wish I had either one.