Barbie Page

Have had a hard time writing lately. Part of it is because there are two things going on that I can't write about in a public way. For respect for 2 other people. Nikki and Heather I can tell you both. Later.

A big part of my life right now is my job. I thought it was so perfect, but at this point am really really not wanting to work in healthcare at all, ever again. Its just not worth it. For 12 bucks an hour, for 40 bucks an hour, or for 100 bucks an hour. Just not worth it.


I think I will just get in shape, and waitress and dance. I've had a lot of people lately tell me I could do it. That I don't look my age, that I'm very cute, and that I have the right personality. I need to get in shape for my reunion anyhow. I promised Royce I would start working out when the weather cooled down, in late September. But I think I'm gonna start now, the beginning of September. I have about 60 pounds to lose. Not that much really, when you look at some people that have lost so much. And I know with even 30 pounds lost I will look so different.

I have felt this way for a long time, but never quite got to the ending point. After whats happened lately, the straw has broke the camels back. Done. Just can't jump without looking, or making sure everyone around me is ok and doesn't suffer because of it. But in my mind, I am done. And I will leave nursing as soon as I can. I just can't do it stupidly, like I've done in the past. Nothing spur of the moment or emotional. It has to be planned and well thought out. And that planning starts now.


I'm tired of helping people, and being hurt in return. I would much rather be in an industry where you cater to people's basic hedonistic natures. Where you cater to their "sins". Where you aren't trying to make them better, you are just trying to make them feel good, and making a living off of it. I'm tired of my paycheck and career being based on caring.
I don't anymore, and am not good at it anymore. Don't want to do it.

I will be 38 in about a month. I've had it in my head that I am too old. Lately people have told me though that I could totally do it. People have always told me that. I just never really took it seriously, and thought I was trapped in my job. I'm switching gears in my mind. I am the only thing holding me back. They have told me I look good enough, and definatly have the right personality to be very good at it. Without even mentioning my weight. I know I have to lose weight. So it begins today.

I will either dance, waitress, bartend, and/or eventually own a bar or a strip club. We've talked about this many times. And I've just made the decision. I will do this.

Between whats going on with the two people I can't write about, my view on food intake and looks and on helping people and sex, all of those things, my view is pushing me to enter that world and leave this one behind.

I don't expect anyone to hire me fat. So it begins today. I will go weigh myself and post that. And go from there.

I'm so angry. So angry.
That will be my fuel.

The only people I take care of now is me and my inner circle.

Sydney has a camera. I will start taking and posting pictures.

Barbie Page. I like that.