Struggling

So, I'm having a little battle - with myself. A lifestyle battle.

Gotta rant a little first.

One of my biggest pet peeves is "victim mentality". How there is some excuse or reason, something that someone else did to you, that is the cause of all your problems. To blame the way your life is on the actions of someone else. And yes I know there are real victims and there are self-appointed victims. Whether or not you are a valid victim does not change how I feel about "victim mentality" - however the self appointed ones are annoying as fuck. Not trying to be a bitch here, the mentality just annoys the fuck out of me. That said, I as well as everyone else, and in some ways more, know that shit happens, and shit that you did not bring on yourself sometimes happens, that can affect the quality of your life and your circumstances. I am not talking about justifiable anger towards someone that has wronged you, or the healing process. This is all very natural and has to happen. I'm talking about the dependence people have on justifying there sucky life or circumstance on what happened to them. Taking no responsibility or actions after the fact. I think strength comes not in what you accomplish, but in what you overcome. Shit happens, deal with it, do what you have to to heal yourself, do good anyhow, and live as well as you can.

I also don't like people who judge - know one knows what has happened to someone else or why they make the choices they do. So I am not going to do that here. And therefore I will use myself as the example:

I could say I have financial problems and stress because I have 5 kids, and 2 of the dads abandoned me, poor me, this is why I struggle. When in reality, I suck with money.

I could say I struggle because 2 guys got me pregnant and left me. When in reality - I didn't use birth control. Had sex - got pregnant. It that simple.

I could say I'm divorced because my ex was an asshole, who hit me, verbally abused me, cheated on me - its all his fault. When in reality, yes all this happened, but it was my choice to stay with, marry, and have kids with someone who had already raped me once, cheated on me and hit me. Bingo, my fault from the beginning - for making a poor choice. What happened was simply results of my first bad decision.

I could say I'm a vicitim of rape - which is true, but I willingly went with someone who had shown himself to be a mean and angry and violent person. Should I really have been that surprised? Even at 19, come on - I wasn't retarded. Bad choice, bad outcome.

I could say I'm overweight because of all the stress in my life, dealing with kids who I am left to raise, dealing with being raped, being adopted (thats a good one - whatever), and because of past domestic violence. When in reality, I eat too much and move too little. Simple as that.

I could go on. But I think I made my point. Everything that I struggle with now in my life, whether someone else had a part in it by wronging me, is directly because of a bad choice I willingly and knowingly made myself.

That said, back to my battle. I drink. Alot. And often. I am an alcoholic. I know this. I like drinking. I like being an alcoholic. It makes me feel good. Yes, I drink to get away from things, from life. This is my reason. And because it flat out makes me feel better - for awhile. I've seen alot of shit, I've had alot of shit happen, I've seen really really bad things, and my life is stressful. This is why I drink. But it isn't why I am an alcoholic. I am an alcoholic because I lift the glass up myself, drink it, and choose to handle life this way. Not because of anyone else. Ever. My decision, I own it.

That said, I have chosen to make some lifestyle changes. Moving more, getting healthy. I joined the gym, and for about a month now have been regularly working out. And it feels good. I have drank for so long and so much that the alcohol isn't working anymore to help my mood. I reject my doctor's "solutions", and believe that exercise is the only thing that helps me now. This is a good thing. I'm finding my mood is directly affected by how much I work out, and if I don't do it I get depressed. So I am doing it. And I feel better.

But old habits are hard to break. Especially when they are chemical based. I have enough of an addiction to alcohol that if I go a day or two without it I notice physical symptoms of withdrawal. I'm a nurse, I recognize these. Jittery, irritable, shaky - unable to concentrate - very irritable. And so I keep drinking. I like it. But it is not easy to make the new lifestyle changes and drink too. Its almost impossible to go work out after I've been drinking. I feel like shit, and the workout sucks. I would much rather be at the bar, especially where we are regulars at and our friends are, than at the gym. It doesn't feel as good. But I don't like my body or my health right now or where its headed, and that feels worse. So I have cut down. But I am struggling.

Last week, Tuesday, I decided I would try the Yoga class at the studio by my house. I have been terribly intimidated to do this. I had never gone to a class before. $8.00 a class. Hell, I pay that for a Long Island. I almost didn't go. The thought of those little Yoga/Cardio Bunny/Cheerleader-look-a-likes that I envisioned yoga participants to look like, and then envisioning myself doing Downward dog in the same room as them, or better yet the poses being too hard for me and me trying to do it in front of all of them simply terrified me. I sat in the parking lot and almost convinced myself that it was a bad idea and that I should just go to the bar down the street. But I said no. I was just going to try it. I made a deal with myself that if I did the class I would reward myself by stopping at the bar on the way home and having a drink.

The class was wonderful. There were 7 other women, some in great shape, some not. The instructor was wonderful. Everything a yoga instructor should be. There was only one challenging pose. It was so healing. I always knew I needed yoga, but never knew how much until I actually did it. I will never miss a class now. I can't explain it, but those of you who do it know what I mean.

Breathing - its so natural. Its the first thing we ever do. We don't need to be taught, we just know how. And yet, --------- we do need to be taught. Who ever would have thought I would need to learn how to breathe??? But I do. The class has stayed with me the whole week. I so need this class. It is my medicine. I am going to the class tomorrow night again.

There are times when I don't even want a drink, but Jagermeister is simply the only thing that helps. Tylenol, even the maximum dose won't touch it, and motrin rarely helps. Only narcotics, and I don't have any and don't need ANOTHER addiction. Jager instantly makes me feel better and takes away the pain. My uterus is sitting directly on my rectum. Talk about pressure. Everytime I eat, I get sick. For hours sometimes, until everything "passes". And with the endometriosis when I ovulate or have my period everything is so swollen it puts pressure on everything and is horrible. I really had accepted the fact that I needed surgery. But I have been feeling better with exercise and have decided to get healthier, lose the weight the hard way, and I think things will be bearable. I am choosing to heal myself.

And so - Red Bull has gone from the main ingredient of a Jager Bomber to becoming a work-out facilitator. Big change.

I think I have great potential. I have let myself go. I remember what I looked like in high school, and right after, and it was pretty spectacular, even though I didn't know it back then.
Right now I am the result of 20 years of not taking care of myself, of not eating right, of not exercising, of having babies, a divorce, of stressful things happening - and these all aged me. I'm right around 180, and 5'3 --- not good. And yet I can still walk into the bar and all the heads turn. I don't sit alone for more than 5 minutes, and never have to pay for a drink. The owner of the bar smiles at me from across the room, watching the behavior of the guys, and teases me later about it. He likes it cause he makes more money. He tells me "You definately make an entrance when you walk in." And tells me everyone ALWAYS notices when I walk in. The women still hate me, the men still stare. I have a sexual energy. A presence. So I'm told. Be it my voice when I'm not feeling well, or my mannerisms, or my mood. I have always had this. It makes me feel good that he tells me these things, these are things a girl needs to hear. But I know how much better it could be. I know what my potential is. Imagine that presence, that energy, with a spectacular body and a boob job. This is what I could be. It would be a shame to let alcohol get in the way of that. I don't want regrets. I need to beat this.

But I am struggling.

I have a shooter of tequila that I put away today and went to the gym instead. Its still out there. Its bedtime. I'm thirsty. And reminscing. And craving.

And thirsty.

I'm struggling.

And if they try to make me go to Rehab --- I'll still say no no no.

But struggling.