Black

Hair is black.
Again.
Black on the inside too.
Again.

I hate my body.
Hate my hormones.
Hate my period.
Hate who I am becoming.

I know it is chemical. I know it has a name. I know it happens to alot of women. None of these things make it any better. I've been doing things to fix it, medications, recommendations, but apparently not enough. I can almost feel the dip in chemical in my body. This is supposed to happen 20 years from now. Not now. I'm supposed to be in my prime.

Having really bad dreams. Vivid. Graphic. (Thats the word I was trying to think of Royce - graphic). About death. And bodies. And dead flesh. And dead people. I've had two in the last few days. Very disturbing. This can't be normal. I almost don't want to sleep.

The first one was disturbing on so many levels. I was at my old church, the Baptist one. Pastor Larry was there. And he was doing some kind of presentation - for my benefit. I don't believe anyone else was in the church. And it seemed he was in the balcony. There were huge dead body parts of animals hanging from the ceiling, like in a meat freezer. Huge pieces. Lots of them. And he was acting out a scene - where he wanted to embrace, or save, or somehow help these dead pieces of meat, but was being pulled away from them by some force. He was laying on the ground in front of them, desperately reaching for them, clawing the ground, but slowly being pulled away from them. And this display was for me to see. I knew the pieces of dead meat represented me. He was trying to get to me. I immediately felt that panic, of not being "saved" anymore. Of turning my back. Of going to the "Dark Side." And I felt this huge conflict. Like being torn apart. Not wanting to go back. But sheer fear and panic. I think it even woke me up. That was a few days ago.

The second one was last night. In the dream me and Sydney and Lyndsey were hiking in a forest. We came upon a higher place in the forest, and an opening. We saw vehicles and a lot of chaos and noise. There was a huge bus/truck that was tipped on its side. Rescue people were already there. We went to see if we could help. We walked to a part of the bus where passengers were, and they were hanging from their seatbelts. The one closest to us was a young girl, maybe 16. Blond hair. Motionless. And two friends next to her, a male and a female. They were suspended in their seats above us. The rescue workers were moving very calmly. I said, "There's one" and pointed to the girl. The worker said, "Oh, she's already dead." I looked at her, and so did my girls. Her face was puffy, and bloody, and she started drooling, and her mouth started moving silently. I thought she was alive. The worker said again, "No, she's dead. They're all dead." And she just hung there. Dead. Then the workers started to rip part of the seat apart, and I thought it was because they were trying to rescue the other two, but there was a little white dog under the seat, and it was alive, and they were trying to get it out. And then they got it and it was fine. We walked away, me holding the little dog, all of us just looking at everything. There were others that were alive. A man with a huge laceration on his head, but he was ok. We helped out. And we adopted the dog, and another one whose owner had died. We found out that the other two people hanging there were Josh and Tina, friends of Royce's. And now we had their little doggie. And then it morphed into another cloudy dream.

I don't like these dreams. And I don't know why I am having them.

I just need some peaceful sleep. Maybe in the morning.