1994

I've been a nurse for 10 years. 8 Years in labor and delivery - and at County. My threshold for stupidity has recently reached an all time low. The things people do to themselves. The things they let happen to them. The reasons they come to the hospital. The reasons they don't come to the hospital. Doctors. Interns. Family members. I could go on. It has crossed over to non-work situations too. Like stupid drivers. Stupid parkers. Stupid pedestrians. Stupid criminals. Once again, I could go on. I've also lost my fascination with the human body, particularly the female reproductive system. When I was younger nothing fascinated me more. That is why I got into obstetrics. I loved babies, pregnancy, delivery, and everything that went with it. Every delivery is still a miracle, but they don't affect me the way they used to. The bad things have numbed me. Along with the fact that I've seen so many births. And I think I've just been working too much. Thats probably alot of it. I really do still like my job, I love working at County, and still love babies. And I'm really good at it. And I'm one of the most experienced nurses on nights, aside from the fact that one year at county is like 10 years at a normal hospital. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've become numb at work lately. Just don't feel things the way I used to. Don't sympathize or empathize as much.

Then something hits you out of the blue. I'm in triage again tonight. She came in for bleeding. 25 weeks. But this one is different. She's in the bathroom getting dressed and leaving me some urine. I'm writing down her information. I look at her birthday. 1994. She is twelve years old. And date raped. I just want to cry. It didn't really hit me till I saw "1994". Thats when I had Sydney. And I think of my Sydney at some stupid party, thrown into some dark room and raped. How do I explain to this child what a speculum is? And what we are going to do with it? How do I ask her if she plans on breastfeeding? I ask her if she knows who the father is. I ask her if what is written down in our records is correct, if she was raped. This is my job as a health care provider. She just looks at me, and asks what that is? She doesn't know what "rape" means. Would Sydney know what that word means? I mean really know what it means? Should she? How can you say "no" if you don't even know what it means? Or that you can say "no"? I look at her mom. I wonder if we are the same age. She might even be younger than me. And the fucker gave her chlamydia too. I hold the flashlight as the doctor does the pelvic exam. I feel like we should be arrested for child abuse.

She's a pretty little thing. They always are.

And people wonder why I drink.

A twelve year old can legally consent for her medical care because she is pregnant - because she went from "minor" to "mommy". But our 18 year olds who are old enough to have their heads blown off in the name of oil can't buy a beer.

I am going to take tonight off. Its my dad's birthday tomorrow. I need a little break.

I can see tonight being a night when I just need to sit down at the piano.