New Week - week 2

Cheat day yesterday:

Potato Skins (3 at 300 each).............................900
Shot of Brandy (3 oz).....................................193
Jagermeister (200 ml bottle)............................687
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Total........................................................1780

Weighed myself this morning, after yesterday, and I was 174.4. Only .6 increase.

The potato skins actually made me sick later. Bad food after a week of good food.

This starts week two. 173 would have been my new goal, but since thats what I was yesterday, my new goal for this next Friday is 170, 3 pounds down. I am going to be working all week if they let me. This is my biggest challenge. I won't be able to get out and do that workout where I run. So I have decided to do my kettlebell everyday. Royce said do a light day and a heavy day. I am going to keep listening to him. It is working.

My finances are so fucked up. Too many loans out, I need to get rid of all of them. My house payment is behind. Bills are due that I don't have money for. Thats why I have to work this whole week. Hopefully they will need me. I'm starting to hate my job. I don't want to do it anymore. Lately I've just been going through the motions at work. I have had some nice patients though. Royce hates staying home, and I hate working. Why am I so bad with money? Will it ever change?

My sister is moving to Texas. Apparently pretty soon. Is it wrong that I'm not sad about this? I'm not happy about it, but I'm not sad either. I have been sad lately, about alot of things, but this is not one of them. Actually, I think something is wrong with me. I just can't get happy. Exercize helps. And I will be doing more of that. I just feel like I am going crazy. I can't get thoughts out of my head, they torment me. I can't "feel" a good outlook on life. The stress in my life is at an all time high. I feel very depressed and sad and my nerves are shot. I feel like I need something to calm me down, just to function. This was normal for my period week, but now it seems like it is all the time. I am waiting for my insurance cards to come in the mail to make an appointment with the doctor.

Kirk, I don't usually address you on here, but I know you read this. For what reason, I really don't know. When you were married to me for 10 years, you could have asked me anything, but you never talked to me, much less touched me. I have often thought I shouldn't write for this reason. But you know what, I am not going to let it affect it. Read all you want. I'm sure you get some kind of pleasure out of my bad times. Well, fuck you. It helps me to write, and that is what I'm going to continue to do. And Karl and Mike, I know you both read this too. Karl, I know you think any trouble I am having is because of my "godless" life. That if I just "had Jesus in my life" things would be better. Well, fuck you too. You are one of the reasons I removed god from my life. And he hasn't helped you a whole lot now has he? And Mike, if a glimpse from afar into the life you think was taken from you makes you feel better - knock yourself out. Despite all of you, I am going to write. I am going to express, and write freely, and bitch, and mourn, and cry, and laugh, and succeed, and live - whether you are watching or not. Enough said.

Seems like a pms week, doesn't it? Told you. I AM going to have a good day today. Going to exercise and eat good and go to work. Maybe we will go to Sprouts today.