Not fading as much as I was. It's weird, I'm having a much better state of mind than I probably should have, considering. I should feel lower than I do right now. I am attributing it to good thoughts and energy sent my way. There have been people around me that I wouldn't trade situations for, even as bad as my finances are right now. Catching glimpses of color in my greyness. Realizing the things I have and "living" in the moment as Heather put it, and making the most of the right now,- even if it is only the next few hours at work with my co-workers, or the time spent with Royce when I get home, or hearing the kids play, - is not making me forget my problems, but its giving me the drive and energy to do what I must to fix my situation. Maybe thats the definition of positive attitude. I haven't really been trying to have it, I've just noticed it the last couple of days.
I've been having trouble denying the existence of "god". I have tried to, but can't seem to shake the feeling that there is "god" out there. Please do not confuse this for any belief in or acceptance or interest in anything christian. When I let go of any anger towards church or anything that happened, and am open to god or to the bible, I simply am at a loss though. Nothing speaks to me. Nothing touches me, nothing do I feel, nothing do I sense when I DO have the open mind, the willing "spirit". I feel like I have lost so much. Like Christmas will never be the same cause now I know that Santa doesn't exist. When my spirit is quiet and open to god, all there is - is void. I think that people that believe strictly in a religion, it is so the easy way out. No thinking, no critical thought. Just acceptance. Why would such an intelligent, all powerful god expect blind faith from his creations? If we truly are made in god's image, then we are intelligent with critical thinking skill just like him. He would never require his intelligent creations to just believe with no reason other than thats how they were taught. Because I said so. I don't expect my children to accept that answer. If I want to teach my kids I offer them an intelligent reason, with valid proof or valid reasons for accepting me and my words. Not just, you need to have faith in me. How is that any different than the Muslims? Than the Hindi? If you say you can feel god's spirit, any muslim will tell you he can feel Allah's spirit? What makes you any less crazy than him? THIS IS MY QUESTION. Every Muslim believes beyond the shadow of a doubt, beyond life itself, that they are just as right as Mr. Anonymous was that left those words of wisdom here. I would love to believe just because someone told me it was the right thing to do. How easy would that be? How is the Bible any more accurate than the Koran? Ask a Muslim that. See how passionate he is in his beliefs. How right he feels he is. Every terrorist, every abortion-clinic bomber, every environmentalist, every Muslim, every christian, every group thinks that they are right.
BUT.........I just can't deny "god". So I will quit trying.
However, I am finally at a place in my life where I do not need the assurance or promise of a "god" to feel peace, nor do I need the threat of hell to be "good". The peace and goodness are coming from somewhere in myself.
Energy is funny. What we attract to ourselves. What we put out there. What comes back to us. People that connect with us when we need them, without even knowing it. How we are positive energy to other people, without even knowing they may need us at that time. How when we least expect it, we hear something from someone that reaffirms what we believe, questions what we question. How we shouldn't get so caught up in our own problems that we are unaware of what we might be to someone else, even if it is only a conversation, or a thought expressed.
How just another boring night at work, a tedious step in fixing my finances, a night in a string of many to come, that I'm just trying to get through, can be a place to connect, a space to listen, a field to learn, a medium for so many other opportunities. All very subtle, all very hard to see until you make yourself be in that other spiritual place. And these moments happen all the time, and we never pay attention to them. Too busy with life.
Another night of work done. A week to go.
Fading less.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
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5 Comments:
your description of the questions about god is why I am now agnostic. I'm glad you are feeling better. Little steps. Did you ever see the movie Contact? I think that's a great movie and kinda has the same thing you're talking about. Love you, nic
Hon, I'm back on the chat if you get this
You make some excellent points. I appreciate your openness and genuineness.
The Bible says we are to love God with all of our heart, soul, mind, and strength. He wants us to use our minds. He does not want us to just have blind faith. He gives just enough so that we can know He is here, some would say He gives to much, so much so that we don’t have a true free choice because He is so undeniable with His actions in history, creation, the lives of people, His “finger prints” are everywhere.
It is not about rules, religion, or “being good” it is about relationship. When you have built your relationship with your children they learn whether or not to trust you. This trust is the same as faith.
I looked at the evidence in the Bible and the world around me; I read the Quran seven times before 9-11 and studied all the other major world views. I found the evidence in the Bible compelling.
I had no Christian or church influence in my life, I was an atheist but I decided to trust God, I turned away from my life of extreme hedonism which at times can be exciting but always comes up wanting in the end, you always need to refuel.
Whereas He has never let me down and my trust in Him grows every day. Now I see how hollow and boring hedonism is, compared to a living relationship with the Creator, with Whom the fuel supply is unlimited. I don’t have just myself as a witness to this, all the people around me see the change in my life and want that change for them. It is not something I could do to myself, it is not human made. It works where the “rubber hits the pavement”.
Hey Angel, You and I are similar in the way we think and question things. I've asked the very same things- even recently. Like you, I simply cannot deny there's a God. He's definitely NOT Who I was taught He is. He's not this angry tyrant who gave me senses, sexual desires and a passion for living to the fullest- only to roast me in Hell for enjoying my life.
I don't hate anyone, I allow people to have their opinions, but my beef with organized religion is that it claims to have all the answers about God, life, etc. and they are tucked neatly into a very small, but heavy box.
Reality is, you & I grew up in a very controlling, negative and arrogant religious atmosphere filled with a bunch of propoganda, but absent of genuine love. (Now the Pro-Church people can scream in my face and write me rude comments about this and say I'm wrong and "You're just being negative") I'm the one who was molested by a church elder, two teenagers from the church and sexually harassed throughout most of my high-school experience and when I raised my voice to stop the madness I was told that I "egged it on" and "What you are describing doesn't happen in OUR schools". More recent abuse is the fact that we were told to sell the house we built and follow a ministry- only to fire us and our dear friends just a year later. I've seen many of my friends used in this way and having to endure the most frustrating of situations all in the name of doing "churchwork". We literally lost everything and it's all been swept under the carpet, while my family suffers. That's NOT the way to treat people!! So, you & I have a right to feel angry. I just don't want that anger to turn to hatred or I'm not much better than my abusers.
What you, I or anyone craves is love and acceptance. We want life to make sense. Like me, you are not blind to the ugly things in life and it's annoying when all church people can see is sunshine and roses while babies die, good people get sick and Tsunami's destroy lives.
I believe there are good and evil forces in this world. All I want is peace, some hope and I find that in God. That stillness, that quiet I feel is His calm washing over me. It's not written in the stars, but I know He is there and that's a HUGE miracle. Best of all, He is big enough to handle my questions. He specializes in finding lost or abandoned sheep. I have to be true to the Voice in me- His Spirit- no matter what brother or sister so-n-so say. That takes boldness.
I have followed your journey for quite some time now and what a path you are on! You are brave enough to search things out for yourself- not just taking other people's word for it. I respect that, as I know that kind of path takes a great deal of courage.
I've been an Atheist. I have studied up on everything from New Age to Shintuism. People in the church warned me that I would only become confused. On the contrary, I'm more sure now than ever of who God is. I think every belief has some bit of truth to offer, a different piece to the "God puzzle"- if you will...
Like you, I reject the "Because I said so- you just believe" mentality. In order to have a REAL experience, you have to learn and to find these things for yourself... my thoughts- hope you don't mind me sharing...
Hey Barb,
I have not been on here in ages!
I am graduating with my Masters this weekend and so excited.
I worked my ass off.
(Why is it bigger?)
Next focus: my health
How are Royce and the kids?
Last I remember you had a candle party in your backyard and the wind was blowing.
I was reading back on a few blogs and get the impression you are still struggling with your beliefs and someone is egging you on.
I don't have time to do that so it must have been that brother in law of yours.
I hope you find your way and keep up the diligence on the finances.
Every little dollar counts.
I am learning, it's not how much you make, but how you spend it.
Look forward to talking with you soon.
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