Monday, Bloody Monday

So I've started exercizing again. I started riding my bike again on Monday. It probably wasn't the smartest decision to start my exercizing the same day I start my period, but I did. Probably the "I feel so fat" feeling had something to do with that. I have rode my bike for over an hour for 3 days now. The first day I rode over to Papago Park. There was alot of uphill (I think I actually had to put the bike in 1st gear, which is totally pathetic), which kind of killed my out- of- practice- just- started- my- period self, but then I finally got through the park and got to McDowell I got to go through the mountains (hellish uphill at first) but then it is all down hill all the way to like 52nd street. Awesome. Worth the uphill hell. Then I went just everywhere, through little neighborhoods. That day was ok. It was yesterday that hurt. I am not used to cycling and neither is my ass. My ass hurt, my lower back hurt and all my female insides hurt. They always do though, just more on my period. And I'm probably fucking anemic so that doesn't help. But I didn't let it stop me. It was much better today. I didn't push as hard, but I still went for an hour. And I feel ok. I just live on Tylenol when I ride. But thats ok. My liver has alot of practice with the amount of alcohol I've trained it with.

So I am going to ride everyday. I think I am going to ride at least to work every time I work, if not back also. That way at least I get some riding in when I work. It is lighter at night now, so it is safer and easier. I think I have found my thing. I really like riding. I liked running, but my boobs just can't handle it. I'm probably doing more aesthetic damage than improvement. And when I get my surgery, I don't want to ruin them. I feel good when I ride. I am going to get a bike for Royce and we can ride together. I was 176.6 this morning. Down a little bit. I'm just going to concentrate on increments of 10 pounds, until I get to 120. I don't need to be any heavier than 120, unless I gain alot of muscle, which I would like to eventually, and then maybe 130. Either way, I need to get to 170 right now. 6 pounds. Recently I have quit drinking soda and eating fast food. For awhile there I was eating fast food everyday. So I know those two things have helped. And I know when my period is over I will go down about a pound or two, I always do. So we will see where I am in a few days. I am going to switch from soda to coffee at work at night.

Royce and I had a disagreement about my plan. My plan is to move more and make better food choices. I can't count every calorie, it drives me nuts and I never stick to it. If Serena Williams eats pizza everyday she still is not going to get fat. Cause she moves. Alot. Royce wants to train me, make workouts for me, thinks I should have a very structured plan, and wants to do it together. I don't want this. I will exercise alot and regularly, eat better, and thats how I'm doing it. I'm an alcoholic, I know this, and I'm ok with it. I'm not going to give up alcohol. I like it, I enjoy it, and I like how it makes me feel. I just have to cut down. And I have, and I will continue to do so. I love wine. And thats the way things are. I'm going to join a yoga class when I am 150. I know Tracy, it shouldn't be about that, and it "doesn't matter" what my weight it - but it does to me, and thats when I'm starting. I will do my video tape at home until then. I am going to try and get that weight loss progress meter that Stacey has at the top of her blog.

I have two years before my 20 year reunion. Literally. I've got to start now. And for oh so many other reasons. I want to work at a strip club. Not stripping, I'm too old for that, but waitressing. And I can't do it looking like Supersized Ugly Betty (actually I think Ugly Betty is very pretty, but you know what I mean.) I really want to do that someday. I would so love to work there. And I will. I'm getting really close to 40, and you know what? I don't care. I'm going to do whatever I want regardless of how old I am or what people think. Marissa Tomei and Demi Moore are WAY hotter in their 40's than they ever were before. And I want to look good for Royce. I want to be able to go out with him and be fucking hot. So I will.

I've come to the realization lately that I don't take very good care of myself. I've always been low maintnance, and proud of it. But lately I've realized it has gone way too far beyond that. I have one pair of shoes. Yes ONE. My work shoes, My super comfy work clogs that I wear everywhere. Do yardwork in them, go to the store in them, go to work in them, ride my bike in them. I honestly don't own another pair of shoes. This is wrong. I need to go shoe shopping. I never have my hair or nails done professionally. I never get a wax. I don't have a skin routine, never do cleanser or moisterizer. Never tan. And lately I have run out of makeup. And it hurts my eyes at night, so I have just stopped wearing it. And I have hardly any clothes, and neither does Royce. So I've decided to change this after I get caught up a little better on bills. I'm going to have arcrylic nails put on (I've never had this done), and it will be a french manicure. I'm going to get my hair done at a salon, lots of layers like those really hot strippers have (except MY hair is real, not extensions), and I'm going to have a few platinum streaks put in just for shits and giggles, and I - yes I Barb - am going to get a Brazilian wax. And hopefully by the time my finances are ready for all that I will weigh a little less.