The Dream

Cooking today. The older I get the more I enjoy it. Not that I'm getting any better at it.

Sydney is in the bathtub. I hear a scream, then, "Mommmmmmmmmmmm !!!!!!!!!"

Sparky jumped in with her. I guess the dog needs a bath too.

I had a dream last night. A dream about going back. A dream about rewinding about 20 years. It has been with me all day. I can't shake it, nor do I want to. I've been in this mental fog all day. It has inspired me to write. I got so overwhelmed by this dream and the feelings that it created - that it evoked, that I felt the overwhelming need to see Royce. He is at school today. I was out paying the water bill, and I felt so strongly that I needed to see him. Even if it was for only 5 minutes. So after I left the water place I drove to 43rd avenue and Bethany Home. It was noon when I got there, the time I was sure he had lunch break. I saw the van. But he never came out. I waited 20 minutes, then decided I had better get back home. Tyler and my mom were watching the kids. I felt so empty. I can't wait till he gets home.

I know one time Nikki said she thought I was bipolar. High highs, and low lows. I know that I am not, but sometimes there is a purgatory. A place in between. I think I am a pretty creative person. Always have been. And sometimes I just get a burst of creativity. Thats how it was with this dream and my impulsion to write. I am going to start it today. Hopefully. Who knows where it will go.

I started putting myself in my own shoes. Years ago. Times ago. Different worlds ago. And whenever I started thinking about Royce, it shook me - what I have, what we have, how I feel about him. How things used to be. And I need to see him. To touch him.

My party is 8 days away. I am scared I am not ready for it. I am letting those fears get in the way of the spirituality of the whole thing.

My living room looks so different. It looks amazing.

I'm already disliking the heat, and find myself hiding indoors intil the sun goes down.

I sound like a Vampire.