Truth

Nikki, it wasn't really written for you, more for Deb, and anyone else who is "christian". I know you Nikki, and know how you feel. It just seemed I got a strong reaction. I remember feeling like that when I "believed". Like it was my christian duty to stand up for jesus. Whatever. I really like you Deb, and didn't mean to offend you. I was just bitching.

There is a certain thought that is occurring to me. I wrote to you about it Nikki. A sort of epiphany to me. Kind of like those 3-d pictures that you have to adjust your eyes to see. Its not quite focused for me yet, but its visible. Even after everything that has happened, and all my new beliefs/experiments, I still can not completely deny the existence of god. But now this, here is the thought......I'm not sure I have to. That maybe the two can coexist in my spirituality, maybe even compliment each other. Who woulda thought? I can not deny something that I have felt present all along. Like god. Even in the worst times. The same way I can not deny the accurate readings of my cards. Truth is truth, without labels, or pre-existing approval or condemnation. Its just truth. And I'm trying to find it. So what ends up being truthful to me is what I will accept. Just not there yet.

I guess that would make me more agnostic instead of athiest. Maybe not even that. If I think there is is a higher power out there, then I'm not agnostic. Ok, lets see. I'm not sure there is a god or higher power, I am open to a higher power, and if it truly is god or a higher power then it is smart enough and good enough to understand where I am coming from and accept me. So I guess that makes me an open agnostic. Wow, a new label. Epiphany. I know I am not christian anymore, I don't accept the bible anymore - too many inconsistancies. Either it is all true or it is not, and no one - not the scholars or the experts or any of the christian leaders can explain the inconsistencies to me, much less agree on them. And telling me when I have a question that they can't answer, to " just have faith, and everything will be ok, god will explain everything in the end, " is not good enough for me. Their actions speak much louder than their faith, and so many actions so much of the time are so mean. So, thats why I don't believe the bible.

Do I think someone or something hears me when I pray? Yes, I kind of do. I just don't know who it is. Maybe its not important to know who.

I got some new books. "Llewellyn's 2007 Wicca Almanac", "The Magical and Ritual Use of Aphrodisiacs", "Llewellyn's Herb Guide 2007", and " Tarot, Plain and Simple". I love the aphrodisiac book. It will be put to good use. Now, to just find the time to read. I want to read "The Time Traveler's Wife" too.

And now............Another episode of "The Girl Next Door":
Nira, Crazy Neighbor's mother (Nira is the old crazy one, 80 years old and really really mean, who lives on the other side of Crazy) decided to walk down the alley, and study my backyard for awhile. Sydney overheard Crazy say to her " we can get the little dog." Later in the day, Crazy and Pedro (the illegal) were working in the backyard, and Sydney and Lyndsey both heard them talking about our little doggies. Something about taking them. They blame us for Animal Control taking their neglected animals away, and they blame us for CPS taking their baby away. So I think they are going to try to do something, maybe try to take one of our little doggies, and god knows what else. I told the kids to keep an eye on things. I really love Max, my new little doggie and I'll be pissed if something happens to him.

Another nightshift done. Almost time to go home.

namaste