Sinners and Salvia

I feel like shit today. 3 hours sleep last night, had to get up at 5:30, I have this nasty cold, I think I'm fevered, the kids are all home sick today, my nose won't quit running, i'm ovulating so my boobs feel like giant wet pendulous sandbags, my uterus is so swollen it hurts when I inhale, my back hurts like in early labor, and my old c-section incision aches. Plus cramps. I'm just a mess today. So I took 1000 of tylenol, pseudophed, had some chicken noodle soup, and I'm sipping on red wine. Its rainy and cloudy here today, the perfect day to just lay in bed and watch movies and eat chocolate. And more wine of course. But, I don't think that will happen.

I quit taking my vitex. I'm really having a problem. The vitex really works. It evened my mood, and took away like every negative female symptom I was having. No cramps, no pain at my incision, no pain through the month like I always had, usually on a daily basis. And I always have very bad intestinal upsets when I ovulate and right before I bleed. Basically twice a month, every two weeks I was getting really sick and it was totally interfering with my quality of life. I thought I had fixed it. But the one thing it also does is kill my sex drive. I become this asexual, blah, totally turned off person. This sensual zombie. It was seriously affecting me and Royce. I didn't even want to be touched. Pushed him away. So I quit taking it. I made the decision to suffer physical rather than emotional symptoms. I definately feel more like myself, but I'm so sick now. I refuse to take antidepressants, and that seems to be the doctors only remedy, or a hysterectomy. Forget it. I'll deal. And all this on top of a cold, it really sucks.

Now that we are going to have insurance, maybe I will go to an obgyn and see if something is wrong. Maybe its just life, and I should quit bitching. I would welcome any and all suggestions. From anyone.

Interesting conversation last night. My brother in law decided to stop by. Royce's brother. I recently was told that John, after long years of sowing wild oats, and I do mean wild - drugs, sex, fights, more drugs, lots of drinking, more sex, among other things - he has decided to start studying the bible again with the Jehovah's Witnesses, the church he grew up in. The conversation started because I saw his MySpace profile. You can see it here:
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=113430368.
You can read it for yourself, cussing, bragging about his penis, yadda yadda yadda. Thats all good. Whatever. The part that got me was the agnostic part. Now I know why I don't believe, and I'm always curious to find out why people do believe. And much more curious why you would publickly state you don't believe in god, yet currently be studying with the JWs. John says he's an open book. So I ask. I ask a few questions. Like, why is it ok to push your beliefs down other people's throats, and why would you be a part of a religion that teaches you to do this. And, why is it ok to "banish" someone for a year, not be able to talk to them for a year, after they have repented and asked for forgiveness. Isn't forgiveness instant when you ask for it? It was in my bible. And how can another human decide whether or not you can be a part of god's family? How can anyone but god kick you out? And if you believe the whole bible, and this is what makes you the "true" church, how can you just ignore the Sabbath commandment, a direct command from god? Once again I got bullshit answers, nothing intelligent, answers like Jesus pushed his opinions on people, especially the pharisees, and we are following his example. Oh and, people are only banished for the really bad sins, and when they weren't banished they went out and sinned more. I didn't get an answer about humans passing eternal judgement. And the Sabbath answer is that the law changed when Jesus died, and some bullshit about the gregorian calendar, and how our workweek is actually a day later now, and that makes it right. OH MY FUCKING GOD. A couple of times I just had to laugh. And then Royce and John really got into it. Everytime I didn't except an answer, or had more questions, John got madder and madder, and eventually ended up insulting, and cussing, motherfucker that and motherfucker this. OMG.

But the best part is yet to come. Brace yourself. At the end of everthing, John comes in with a pipe and lighter and we smoke up together. This is just a beautiful ending to my spiritual conversation. Why the bible is right. I'm laughing right now. Oh, and John was drunk for the whole conversation. Its a beautiful thing. "Now that I've made my point about god, and defended the true church, I think I'll smoke up. Want some?"

He had some weird shit though. It wasn't pot. Its this stuff called salvia divinorum http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Salvia_divinorum. Its completely legal to buy it, grow it and smoke it. It is a mild halucinogen, and is a strong little high. Fast and fleeting, but powerful. Its kinda cool. Colors, tactile sensations, lots of heat, its really weird. Like really strong synthetic weed with good shrooms. Weird. And two good hits do it. And it only lasts like 20 minutes. And let me tell you, a very powerful aphrodisiac. Oh my god the mind blowing sex we had. It should be called blow job weed. The penis worship that went on.

In fact, I think Jehovah is probably smoking some himself right now.

Once again, like always, any philosophical discussion with a christian so totally reinforces why I don't believe. Why I want as far away from them as possible.

Gonna go lay down. Will listen to Tyler play the piano today. I will write about that next. Tyler is very good. I will have to write in detail. And not just cause he is my son. There is something there. Even more than I had. I'm a little stunned. And very proud.

I love my kids. So much. All of them. I am so lucky. And I get the whole "sick" day with them. For all of you that don't have kids, I know you have full lives. But I am so lucky. I just have to express it a little. Gonna go lay by Shi Shi. I love baby breath.