Broken

I'm supposed to be sleeping right now. I have to work tonight. But I can't sleep. Only got like 3 hours sleep last night.

I'm going to be taking a staff position in Labor and Delivery, supposedly to start on Sunday. I will be working every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. This will work with Royce's schedule of Monday thru Thursday. And hopefully an 8 hour shift sometime during most weeks. I'm kind of excited, cause I will be home more. But the money will be less. But we will finally have medical insurance. We need it so badly.

Royce and I have had a bad couple of days. We don't always get along, even though it may seem that way. This is normal I guess. Its hard for me to know what normal is.

I'm having alot of weight issues. Internally. I guess I have more of them than I think I do. Maybe we all do. I know I'm going to get backlash for this, but I feel like not eating again. Or very minimally. Its really weird, but its kind of a way of coping with things. Its something I have control over. I remember when I was in high school and I used to throw everything up that I indulged in. I did that for years. I remember William getting really mad at me. I just shouldn't have told him. Did it in my 20's a little too. It actually started to become a release. I started doing it in response to stress, not only in response to food intake. It felt good. I know that sounds sick, but it did. Right now, I'm back where I was in high school, mentally. Physically I am about 70 pounds heavier than then. And to think I was fat, what was I thinking? All 110 pounds of me. I'm having all the same feelings about food and eating and my body that I used to. And I'm taking effedra again. I know, its supposedly bad for me, but it is what is working right now. I know it supposedly raises my blood pressure, but so does being 200 pounds. Effedra is my friend. And it didn't help anything that the old lady in the dog food aisle today thought I was pregnant. Thats always fun. I saw this great commercial last night. A woman, mid 30s, is sitting in a waiting room somewhere. I girl, mid 20's, sits next to her. The 30 something recognizes the 20 something as herself 10 years ago. Her hair is frazzled, her belly is big, her thighs are big, and she kinda looks a mess. She looks at her beautiful 20 something body and listens to herself at 20 something talk about how fat she is. Its a commercial for "getting your body back." (At the end, the 20 something asks her if "we get married?" 30 something looks tired and just kind of rolls her eyes and tries to smile, its cute.) This commercial hit me so hard. Its like I was sitting there. I'm 179 today.

I'm finding more and more that its so hard to fix the outside if the inside is broken. I feel broken. I feel angry, and sad, and confused, and lonely, and misunderstood, and judged, and searching,.........and broken. Today I feel this way. I better start taking my St. John's wort more faithfully. It seems to be the only thing that works for me. I feel broken.

I saw a little man in the grocery store today. He reminded me so much of my dad. I'm almost sure he had Parkinson's. He had the same mannerisms, and facial expressions, and it seemed he had a little confusion and maybe some tremors. Not bad, but I recognized it. It seemed so much like my dad standing there at the checkout counter, trying to buy groceries. They even wore the same kind of clothes. I just kept looking at him. I wanted to give him a hug. To walk him out to his car. To go home with him. To tell him how much I miss him. It was nice to see my dad again, outside my dreams, even if it is only through a glimpse of someone else.

One thing I have always indulged myself in is a bath. I have never liked showers. I always take a bath. No matter how busy I am, or how soon I have to get somewhere. Sometimes it is where I try to meditate. The warm water just feels so good. Today I had the pleasure of taking my bath with my baby girl. It was such simple fun. The weather is so nice now I opened the window in the bathroom.

I'm loving my little dog too. Today I brushed him all over. He hated it. But he was so soft afterward. I really love this little dog. Took him for a walk last night. Another thing I am finding is that dogs are one of the good things in life. I never knew this before.

Right in the middle of writing this, Jenn signed on to messenger. I so needed to "hear" a friends voice. Thanks for the chat Jenn. Energy is so weird. You made me laugh. I needed that. Can't wait till your back at work.

I love you Royce.

Off to work.