Ryan

Today is my Ryan's birthday. He is 5. Out of all of my children he has the most pure heart. He has a pure and beautiful soul. He never does or says something good for any ulterior motive, he always means it. I have never had a child that I didn't have to teach "thank-you" to. It just comes naturally to him. You can't be around Ryan without loving him. He is loving and genuine, and it is catchy. Even Kirk is fond of him. Brings him little presents, lets him sit on his lap. When it was said in the Bible that you need to be like a little child in order to enter the kingdom of heaven, they were talking about Ryan. He is sweet and loving and genuine and giving, and a tough little dude too. Sometimes it seems he doesn't feel physical pain. He just gets up and shakes it off.

I've always felt like Ryan was cheated. Because of all of the circumstances with that pregnancy. I always felt like I cheated him. And if you know him and his little soul it is heartbreaking to think I did that to him. I knew from the beginning that he would be ok, but I think because of those feelings sometimes I tend to overdue it with him. Like with birthday presents. He deserves them. Because of everything that happened, and because of who he is. I never thought Ryan would have a dad, or grandparents, or "his" side of the family. I thought it would be me and Ryan against the world, with the other kids.

Ryan is truly one of the most beautiful things that has ever happened to me. I am so lucky that he is mine. I remember how I felt when I found out I was pregnant with him. I was so upset and so stressed. It seemed like the worst possible thing that could have happened. It was a "problem". That was before he was Ryan, thats when he was "the pregnancy". The OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M PREGNANT!!!!" pregnancy. It all just seemed so wrong, worst possible timing, worst possible situation. And what was I going to tell the other kids? I wasn't even divorced yet. I was so alone. At some point farther along in the pregnancy he became my ally. It was us together. Him and I. And we would do this thing, and we would be ok.

Little did I know it would be more than ok. I don't know what I would do without my Ry Ry. He is truly one of the best things that ever happened to me. I feel so bad about ever feeling that way. I feel horrible that some thoughts ever went through my head. Terminating was always choice, but never an option to me. I never considered it. But none-the-less the situation seemed horrible. And now to look at him. Its like finding the winning lottery ticket and mistaking it for the forclosure on your house. It couldn't have been any more opposite than I thought it was.

Right after I found out I was pregnant, I almost lost him. This memory makes me cringe. Makes me feel like finding out that the edge of a mile high cliff was inches away from where I was driving. I was 7 weeks pregnant. I started bleeding. And being a labor and delivery nurse I knew this was not ok. I went to the doctor, had an ultrasound, and found out I had a subchorionic hemorrhage which was coming from the newly implanted embryo sac ripping away from the wall of my uterus. Those are obstetrical terms. In regular English it meant I was starting to miscarry. They said it was a "significant" tear. If it tore all the way I would just pass the embryo and miscarry. I was put on strict bedrest. Only allowed up to make food and go to the bathroom. Keep in mind I had three other kids, as a single mom, one of which was only 2. Yeah...........right, strict bedrest. And I was the only working person in the home, working a busy level 3 labor and delivery floor. Yeah. This is where I am eternally grateful to Mike. No matter what else has happened between us, or what happened before or since then, I will always be grateful to him. Mike stayed with me the whole week and a half, and waited on me hand and foot, did everything for the kids, made food, did everything. Kept me company. I just laid in bed, feet up, barely moving, for a week and a half. Never knowing if the next time I rolled over, or sat up or sneezed if it would tear it the rest of the way. Who knows if I would have stayed pregnant if I didn't have Mike helping me. If because I didn't have help I would have bent over, stood up wrong, or picked one of the kids up one too many times. I've always told Mike all the things he did wrong. Well, this was the one thing he did right. And it was very important. If you are reading this Mike, thank you. More than you know.

I always thought Ryan and I would be alone. That Ryan would not have a dad, that he would have to watch the other kids go with their dad, that he would never get presents or spend holidays with his dad. That he wouldn't have that set of grandparents, or aunts or uncles or cousins. It would be me and him. It was the best I could do, I couldn't magically pull family out of the air. I even set aside pictures of Mike's family for Ryan for the day when he would ask. I grew up never knowing what any of my family looked like and I didn't want that for him. And then, unexpectedly, came Royce. Royce never intented to have children, never wanted them, never wanted to get married. Liked kids as long as they were someone elses. And I was not looking for a father for my kids. Any of them. Didn't want one. Didn't think I needed one. We were ok. But then, it started to happen. Don't know when or how, but it happened. Slowly, but miraculously. Ryan did something to Royce. Something inside. When most men become fathers, it is something they don't really have a choice about. They better bond, they have to, right? And they don't get to pick the kid. It is something very special, and amazing to watch when it happens to two people who aren't bonded together with blood. Who are only bonded together by what happens inside of them because of the other person. In some ways adoption is so much more amazing than conception. For this Royce, I will be eternally grateful to you. Always. Forever. I love you.

We went to McDonald's for lunch, and played for an hour in the playplace. Came home, and Ryan opened his presents. Got lots of Spiderman stuff, he loves Spiderman. He is Spiderman at times. Then we had a pinata out on the front porch. Watching Ryan and Cheyenne with the pinata was priceless. In my memory forever. Better than a polaroid. Then we went to the Rainforest Cafe for dinner. Ryan is playing with his new toys right now. And we still have to blow out candles and sing and eat cake.

I love you Ryan.

Happy Birthday.