Peace on Earth, Goodwill towards ........... Mom

Been chasing 25 week twins tonight. Nice assignment. Its been a good night.

I haven't talked to my mom for at least a month. Every day I am more relieved that I don't talk to her. Clarity is finally happening. Its sad that you have to remove people from your life in order to have peace. But the way it feels comfirms that it is the right thing to do. It is so nice not having to deal with her. Or her voice. Or her stupid comments. We have never gotten along, and always someone apologizes, or things just blow over, and they are never fixed, and its just easier to not address it and go along like nothing happened. And we start talking again, until the same thing happens again. Over and over.

But not this time. I'm done. Never again.

I have such a sense of relief and peace. And everyday is gets stronger.

I lost my mom along with my dad. Thats how it feels. But I got me back.

I went and gave my dad a pointsetta last night.

There's been a song on the radio lately. Its on an r and b/pop station that I don't usually listen to, KISS 104.7. Everytime I hear it I love it more. I told Royce about it, wanted to show it to him. I didn't know the name of it, or the words, but knew it was by Christina Aguilera, once again not someone I usually listen to. But I really loved this song. I wanted him to hear it, so for a couple of days would leave that radio station on, hoping to hear it, in the meantime listening to really annoying crappy pop songs. It seemed like it would never play again, or course, when I'm listening for it. So we are sitting in the car, and it starts. I'm like, "This is it, This is it!!! Listen!!!" And I was so excited it was finally on. So like halfway through the first verse, I feel it coming on. And I think its just because of the key it is in, or the chords, or because I'm on my period, or something like that, but I feel the tears behind my eyes. Thats cool, I'll just fight it, it will pass, and I'll fake through it, especially with Royce listening so closely now - all ears on the music. I've never really got to listen to the words closely, before now. So by the chorus I'm full on crying, tears running down my face. And its my dad. It hit me so hard, I didn't even realize that the song was about him. And me. How utterly inconvenient to have it hit me when we are quietly purposely concentrating on the song that I made so much hype about.

Royce knew right away what was going on. How could I not have known? Its very haunting. It really gets me. Its called "Hurt". By Christing Aquilera.

Christmas is weird this year. I have such a sense of loss with some of the songs. "Mary Did You Know?" used to really get me, bring me to tears. But now, I don't think I'm convinced that that whole virgin birth, nativity scene, Jesus saving the world thing really happened. Its hard to feel emotional when you don't believe something. And its not that I don't want to believe, trust me it would be so much easier to believe. It reminds me of Santa Claus. How kids must feel the first Christmas or two after they found out he isn't real. It just isn't the same.

All the songs that I lost when the truth wasn't the truth anymore. So many songs.

The living room is empty except for the piano. So yesterday I put Christmas lights up INSIDE. And 3 little lighted chrismas trees, and a big inflatable snowman. I want the house to look Christmassy even though its kinda empty and in limbo right now. The kids love it.

Trailady, thanks for the support. I love hearing from you. I think our mom's were probably very much alike. I will email you.

Cathy, I drink everyday. You know this. I like to drink and I'm ok with that. In fact, there are some people that I wish would take up drinking. But I hear you. I'm sorry things are rough. You are right, we are connected, we have always been connected, and we always will be.
I think when shit and love are combined, especially lots of shit, and years of love, it has this incredibly binding effect. And we have lots of both. And going back to being friends in Cradle Roll doesn't hurt anything. You are my sister. Forever. And thats that.

Jenn Zeer, just wanted to say hi. Hi JENN ZEER. Thanks for the hot book. I'm sure Royce will benefit from it. Expect a thank you from him. Still think we need to sit and just talk outside of work sometime.