Started reading "Eragon". Really liking it so far. The movie comes out Dec. 15th. Royce already finished the book, in like 4 days. I don't read that fast. Hopefully I will be done by the 15th. Its easy to get lost in.
Being doing the herbal thing again lately. I'm learning more and applying more. Its really amazing how they work. Drinking 3 different teas. Taking some stuff in other forms too, like capsules. Making my own tea. There is so much to learn. Guess I'll start out as a green witch.
Sharon told me about Thyme tea. I'm going to try it in a few days when I need it.
I got a new deck of Tarot cards too. A "Celestial" Tarot deck. Also got a beginners book on how to interpret and do readings. Have had some really weird readings lately. Its amazing how many people ask you to do a reading when they learn that you have cards. I learned that I can do readings on myself. That should be interesting. It all just fascinates me so.
Still not talking to my mom. And with each day that goes by I actually find more peace. It will take a long time to get her yelling screaming voice out of my head. It pops in in almost every situation. I have to tell myself, thats mom's voice. What would you do Barb? Ignore the voice. It is getting fainter. I'm feeling more and more confident in my own decisions and finding my place. That my place is valid and good and doesn't have to be justified or defended to anyone. I sometimes wonder if I am going to regret breaking off communication and a relationship with her. Like if she were to die. Will I regret this? But there is a noticible difference in my feeling of peace knowing I am not talking to her, and not planning on ever being on those terms again.
It seems like every morning I wake up I fight depressing thoughts. Even if they aren't concrete, it is a general feeling. Not of darkness, but of depression. It seems that when I have just woken up I have been having dream after dream that have a depressed feel. I have to fight these thoughts every day. And before I get out of bed, literally, decide I am going to have a good day. Whether it be productive, energetic, reflective, self-nurturing, or family oriented. Probably half of the days in the week I just want to stay in bed. Not get out, even if I am awake. Just lie there all day. Maybe watch some tv. Read. Whatever. The herbs and teas are helping. St. John's Wort. It seems to really help. I have to keep taking these.
Other things of a personal nature that I can't really write about. Just very bad lately. Interpersonal things. Me and Royce things. Things that I can tell are definately me and in my head. He is being very patient - most of the time.
Haven't started working out or exercising yet. I know this will help tremendously. But just haven't gotten into it yet, haven't made that decision yet. Haven't stuck with it yet.
The weather is beautiful. 60's most of the day. It is just beautiful to be outside right now. And with all the Christmas stuff, I love it. Work has been good, enjoy being there. And getting the house better all the time helps too. Still alot to be done. But slowly it is happening. It is mine. It will be my palace, my canvas, and my comfort zone. I love my house.
I'm fighting bad thoughts. Bad memories, bad feelings. Self-esteem. Reminders of failures. But I am fighting them. And winning slowly. I'm learning how to turn them off and put the energy into something else, even if it is just something distractive.
I miss my dad.
This is my life right now, or something like it.
Sunday, December 03, 2006
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 Comments:
keep fighting. don't give up.
someone broke in to my place on Thursday. took my flute. and other things that don't really matter. shook me up. and I am angry. if they would ever be so stupid as to do that again I am ready. in many ways. at the very very least they would leave in pieces. so, FIGHT Barb. FIGHT. we will not let this get us down. I know that stuff like this shows up when we are not expecting it and when we think things are going well, or at least it did to me. but dammit, we are stronger than this. and they don't get to win. whatever or whoever the they are. I need to get some spells from you. maybe email me sometime at the msn. I'm thinking of you and sending you every good thing I have available to me. And I love you.
Nic
Hang in there, Angel. I can SOOO relate to how you are feeling- I'm pretty much there too- just a little different circumstances.
I don't know your Mom- never met her, but from what I've read, she seems a lot like my Mother.
You've taken a positive step in setting up the boundary with your Mom. I've had to do the same on more than one occasion. It's NOT EASY, but is necessary. You see, many Christian parents have children expecting to make them into shiny little carbon copies of themselves- their values, their opinions, their beliefs. In their minds it's our responsibility to make them look good to other church members. In her mind, you have refused her the honor that is due her and embarassed her in front of her peers. She's been working hard for so long to convince herself and everyone else that she's perfect, but she has this daughter who's hurting and rebellious. She has bled you on more than one occasion, but she shames you for feeling that pain, expressing it on your blog and for acting out. WHATEVER!
The Bible says "You reap what you sow". If a kid is raised with anger, guilt-trips and rejection, then don't be surprised when they grow up to reject the parents and the belief system that treated them that way. She probably wasn't all bad, but she left you emotionally empty, Barb. Now you are supposed to be raising healthy, well-adjusted children- all the while this hurt inside you is like a gaping wound. What does she expect from you???? She needs to humble herself and for once in her life LISTEN. She's the parent here and she needs to take responsbility for her behavior.
If she ever apologizes and starts trying to treat you right, then forgive her because the grudge is only going to hurt you- it will eat you up inside.
I think there may be a part deep inside you that will always grieve for the tender, nurturing and accepting relationship you wanted with your Mom but never had because she was cold & critical.
But you are better off without that toxic influence in your life.
She is NOT God- the church is not God. God is more like your Dad was. He is the warmth of your Daddy's arms around you.
I also use St. John's Wort. I battle depression on a daily basis. I feel like I'm closer to God now than I've ever been, but with so many Adventists telling me I've got it all wrong- the rejection I feel by my church is very disheartening. Top that with SO many changes in our lives. We may be moving... house is for sale and we have 4 serious interests. We'll see.
I am thinking of you, Barb. If I was there, I'd come over and fix you some really good tea, rub your shoulders and your tired feet and you could cry and tell me all about it. Seriously! E-mail me anytime.
moc.liamtoh@ydaliart
(I wrote it backwards so spam-spiders don't pic it up.)
If you e-mail me, I'll send you my phone number and maybe I can get yours. I'd love to talk sometime. Take care.
Post a Comment